If it weren't for this amazing surf ministry I'm on leadership for, I don't think I'd still be alive right now... I don't think I really have anything else worth living for. I'm glad I went to the training retreat last weekend, and met some amazing friends... like the wife of the regional director, she even gave me this book to read, that really inspired me a bit, and I was just sooo thrilled, even tho it was just a silly book that she can get lots of copies of for free, that she thought enough of me to give me one... and she hung out with me a lot and was really supportive, and really made me feel like someone cared... but now she's back home in a different state, and she won't be back to visit for another month... At least during this next month I'm getting to help with this outreach event at the US Open (surfing) and getting to do a bunch of fundraising stuff for that, it's a lot of work but it feels good that I get to be on the team to help out, I might even get to meet my all time favorite pro surfer...
But apart from that, I have nothing... and all I want to do right now is die. I don't want to live any more, I'm tired of it. Tired of worrying about how to pay bills, tired of feeling upset, of dealing with life, tired of getting stressed out about calories.
An instructor, mentor, and good friend died a couple weeks ago. He had brain tumors, we all knew it was coming, and at least he's not suffering now... but I still feel SOOO upset about it, I wanted to cry so badly but didn't, because I know others would be angry with me for crying. They'd say it's better, he's not suffering, I knew it was coming, and it's a part of life. This instructor was one of the few people that really believed in me, I shadowed him while he was tending to the animals or doing research, and learned so much from him.
A close friend of mine is in the hospital right now. He was driving and got hit by a drunk driver two days ago. His pelvis is broken, he'll have to have several surgeries, and even then it doesn't look great.
My great-grandmother is also in the hospital. Had a heart attack, then was having trouble breathing, and is now in a coma. Can't even visit her, because that's putting myself in danger due to the rest of my family being there and my parents being abusive.
And I REALLY REALLY just wish I could have a mom right now, but my mom wants nothing to do with me. She won't call me, talk to me, have lunch with me, she never wants to see me again, she said she never wants a relationship with me and there's nothing I can do to change that. My therapist says it's probably because she knows that my dad has severally abused me and it's too hard for her to see me and be reminded of that, it's easier for her to ignore it and hate me instead of hate my dad. But I REALLY just wish I could have someone to go hang out with and talk to, someone to even just call and talk to on the phone... none of my friends are available to talk, most of them have left the country for summer vacation.
There's so many bills to pay, and I don't know how I'm going to pay them. I'm having issues at work. I was relying on a $3,000 scholarship I was told I was getting for the summer, turns out I'm not getting that afterall. My roommates put me in charge of managing the bills- meaning the bills come, I pay them, and then have to try to collect the money from everyone else, and to be honest it's just WAY too stressful. I've got adhd, I'm very disorganized, and this is requiring a LOT of organization, and I don't feel comfortable doing this any longer.
My phone broke... and I don't have the money to buy a new one, so I'm 100% completely without a phone for a while. Which sucks. I really NEED a phone too... I really don't talk on it a whole lot, but I do need it for work sometimes, plus with my dad I don't feel safe without a phone with me at all times, I feel like having it so that I can call the cops if I need to makes me a little bit safer.
And, I also have a really bad staph infection in my foot, from a surfing accident, it's getting worse and not responding to any of the antibiotics, so I'd have to go to the actual hospital and see if they can give me stronger antibiotics, but that costs money I don't have right now. So I just have to wait and hope it gets better on its own.... because I'm also supposed to be having some surgeries this summer- one mass that needs to be removed, they said it was beign but after having a cancerous one removed from a kidney last year, I'd feel more comfortable just having this mass gone... and I had an echo a few days ago, my prolapsing valve in my heart has gotten a lot worse, so I was booked to see the specialist next Tuesday, because that may need surgery... but I don't know as if I'll have it done... it's not bad enough to where I'm gonna die super soon if it's not fixed, but they said they don't like to wait too long, they'd rather do it now where they can just repair the valve, instead of having to give me an artificial one. But I don't want surgery, especially on my heart. Especially because then I'd be in the hospital, all alone, with no one to sit by my bed, or hold my hand, or tell me everything's gonna be okay, no one to care, no one to know if I didn't make it or if there were complications.....
And none of my roommates are home. I don't know if any of them are coming back at all this summer. And the house I live in is HUGE, and it's just really scary, being here, all alone... it makes me feel even more lonely, being in a space so huge all by myself, and really makes me feel like I have even less worth living for....
You know how upset you are about your friends that have passed away and that are sick and hurting. Well, there are a lot of people that would feel the same about you, if you were no longer with us. Also, if you want to cry about your friend passing away, you cry. No one should tell you how to grieve and it is a process. It is important to let that process happen or it will haunt you.
That's the thing tho... it's hard to believe that anyone would even so much as notice if I died.... I've disapeared for 3 months in a row before, without anyone even noticing I had been gone. My family hates me, won't talk to me... my grandpa was really the only one I was close to, and he died last year... I just feel like I have no one who cares about me at all... I'd LOVE to just have someone I could just talk to right now, but I don't even have that.
Honey, that's a lot to deal with- I wish I could give you a huge hug right now so you wouldn't feel so alone in that big house!
As susie19 said, if you want to cry for your friend, you should cry. You need to let yourself grieve. It's not healthy to ignore it. Anyone who tells you differently is wrong.
I'm glad that you met someone who cares about you and that you have a reason to live right now! There's always reasons to live, they're just not always apparent. No matter how tired you are of living, you still have strength to hold on, and it does get better. All of this will pass in time.
I wish I knew what to tell you about paying your hospital bills! I'm truly at a loss for advice. I really hope you get that taken care of.
We're here for you. You're not alone. And you can PM me or talk to me on AIM anytime for any reason! *cuddles*
The following content has been hidden - Reason : trigger?
I won't be on RYL much right now because I'm REALLY triggered, but I'm safe... so don't worry...
Thanks for caring enough to reply... I think I may try to find somewhere else to go tonight, other than staying here in the house... I just... idk... I don't WANT to go anywhere else... I want to sleep in my bed, just for one night, but I'm TERRIFIED of being in the house all by myself all night long, especially since this really creepy guy has been calling me and saying he's gonna come by and find me and stuff, and... I'm scared... and I'd call the police, except I don't even know if they'd do anything, and the only number I could find was an office number that you can only call Monday thru Friday from 8a-5p. But I've been driving around on the road, just where ever I felt the need to go, for the past week almost, and I'm tired of staying up all night, tired of sleeping in my car because I don't want to impose on anyone else that I might be able to stay with (and I don't even know for sure that I really have many other places I COULD stay anyway). Hopefully I'll be safe staying here for one night at least. I've got all the doors locked and the lights off, my car is parked in back and I don't think the guy knows that there's a back alley to this place, tho maybe I should go park my car in the garage real quick and lock up the garage (tho he doesn't know what kind of car I have, but that way it looks like no one is home), and I just won't answer the door if anyone comes tonight, and I'll be gone early in the morning since I have a job interview for a christian bookstore anyway, after that I don't know what I'll do or where I'll go....
I hope you feel a bit better by now, I don't really have any advice or anything but yeah I agree that you should allow yourself to grieve when you lose a friend.
My night wasn't that great to be honest... but at least the dr had given me sedatives, cuz she wants me off my foot, at least until the hospital gets a look at it, due to how bad the infection has gotten, yet she knows I have hyperactive tendencies and get really depressed and restless when trying to rest and take it easy, so she gave me sedatives just incase I couldn't get into the hospital til Monday... those actually came in handy last night, I took a few- which is probably more than I should have taken- but at least it knocked me out... fell asleep on the couch watching cartoons with my teddybear... And, I sold my laptop today. It's gonna take a few days for paypal to confirm the tracking number and get the funds to me, but maybe once they do I'll have some extra cash to go see the dr and get my foot better so I can at least walk on it again.
I'm just still having a really tough time atm, being all alone isn't helping either. I think I'm just scared, I have no idea what to do with my life any more, I don't even know if it's worth it trying to finish up my one last year of undergrad, cuz I've been doing so poorly this past year. I'm not good enough to get into grad school, and I don't know what else there is. I can't turn to family, I really am all on my own and that's a scary thought... I love to just pack up and drive or fly somewhere on a whim, I've gone out of the country for weeks or months even just cuz I had the impulse to do so or needed to get away, and I guess it's nice to be able to do that without worrying about having to tell everyone you'll be gone, but at the same time I wish just once I would have someone who would care and notice, maybe then I'd have a reason to not just up and leave in a moment's notice. All I've ever really wanted is for someone to love me, but maybe I'm just not loveable....
