Ok so I'm really really sorry for making a new thread. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't have anybody in real life right now so I just am really alone. If you even read this thank you. <3
I'm scared because nothing is changing. It's been a year of things being consistently this bad and I thought it would at least go away or get better or something. But obviously it has not because I am not dead, which is the only thing that would make it better even though that is not what I want.
I'm sick of doctors, hospitals, therapists, anything. Any of it. All of it. I don't want attention. I don't want drama. I want to be able to go to class and do my schoolwork and get a new job and just be somewhat functional. I don't want things to be bad. I want people to be safe and I want things to be okay.
But all of it is completely unattainable. I feel like nobody knows what to do with me because none of it is a big deal. I don't like being labelled an attention seeker, and I don't like them freaking out and thinking everything is a huge deal when it's just not. This is all consistent. I'm not having some major mental health crisis that means I need to be IP or something. It's consistent in that it's day in, day out. Sometimes I can distract enough to have a good day or two, but then it all comes crashing back down.
I don't know what I am asking for right now. I know something bad is about to happen and I know there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it. Chucking me IP for a few days wouldn't even stop it; I'd still have to do something when I got out, and it would just mean putting it off a few more days. Telling anybody even if I could won't change it. I'd have to do something worse for telling. Maybe I just want to be heard? or want a hug. something. i don't know.
I'm sorry for wasting space on the board and I'm sorry I have been **** at being supportive.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'm in a bit of a state right now so I can't reply properly but I want you to know I read, I care, I can really relate and you're not a waste of space. Hang in there, I'll reply properly when I can <3
I know this might sound like a terrible thing to say, but I wanted to say that one year isn't really all that long.
Its too long to be struggling and suffering of course, but if looking at the bigger picture how one year turns out says nothing about how the rest of your life turns out. Things can improve and you got as good a chance as anyone to live a happy life as hard as it might be to believe that right now.
I know it's really hard for you, but I don't think much will change until you start working through everything with a therapist. I know you feel like you can't talk about things, or if you do you need to hurt yourself, but this is what you can work on in therapy.
What would be worse- feeling like you do now for many more years, or having 6 months of tough therapy but at the end you feel a lot better and able to cope better?
I'm not saying having therapy will be the magic cure, but I think sometimes you have to work through tough things and experience that pain before you can start to move on.
Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I know it's really hard for you, but I don't think much will change until you start working through everything with a therapist. I know you feel like you can't talk about things, or if you do you need to hurt yourself, but this is what you can work on in therapy.
What would be worse- feeling like you do now for many more years, or having 6 months of tough therapy but at the end you feel a lot better and able to cope better?
I'm not saying having therapy will be the magic cure, but I think sometimes you have to work through tough things and experience that pain before you can start to move on.
I understand on one level what you are saying but I don't understand how I am supposed to work on talking about things that I literally cannot talk about, or change the fact that I'd have to hurt myself severely if I did if I cannot talk about it. I'm not trying to be rude, I just don't honestly understand what you mean or maybe I am just not reading it right. Sorry.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It's your belief that you can't talk about things, not that you are physically incapable of doing so. Like I might have the belief that I cannot go outside because when I do I get panic attacks and a racing heart rate. Well, it might be true that those things happen when I go outside, but if I sit inside all the time I'll never get better. In order to be well I have to start going outside with the help of a therapist, and do it in a manageable way. I.e. start off really gently and slowly and build up to going further away from home.
So with the help of a therapist, someone who really understands you, you can take gentle steps to start talking about things, alongside learning distress tolerance skills so you don't hurt yourself severely afterwards.
Does that make it a bit clearer?
Isnt it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I've learnt distress tolerance before. It's just distraction and coping skills put into fancy words.
You make it sound like I'm just making this up or something. I'm not making it up and it's not just that I don't feel like talking about things or something.
I don't know. Maybe I'm taking it the wrong way. I am struggling to stay safe right now so things are kind of jumbled up.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
Disclaimer I haven't read the whole thread so tell me to shut up if this isn't relevant. I think with talking about stuff it's a fine balance between being distressed talking about hard stuff and being ready and willing. You do definitely need to want to talk about stuff for it to work, and maybe with some things you're just not ready. Doesn't mean there aren't other options
It's ok, you're fine. But it's not that it's just difficult to talk about. It's that I literally cannot talk about it. It's not that I don't want to. Or that it's just hard. Or that I am unwilling. I don't know how to explain that any better.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I think I understand what you mean. Do you know what would have to happen for that to change? Would it be the person or something in you, or both? It's ok if you don't know, just brain storming
I can't think of anything or any situation that would allow it to change. Justin and Tyler found out about it but Justin misinterpreted and Tyler was actually pretty good about it. He was able to find loopholes in the rules or guess things, because he knew I couldn't lie to him. But I've not talked to Tyler since October and I don't know why. He won't answer or return my emails, texts, or voicemails. I've not talked to Justin in going on three weeks now. Part of me almost wants to not do anything just so bad things happen to them and they finally believe me. But I don't think I can do that.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I don't know what I am doing. I clearly can't do anything right. I emailed the doctor lady just to see if I could schedule an appointment if I changed my mind about things, and this was her response (put under the hide). I don't know if that means I am supposed to say anything to her or not. This is not something she has told me before and the way I am reading it she is saying she has.
She always asks if I want to schedule an appointment, and says that I do not have to. And if she's asking what I want I just get really confused and I don't like feeling pressured to be there, or worrying about having another appointment. Plus I can't afford the copay at this point, to be completely honest. My medicaid doesn't cover the copay because they can only bill my student health insurance, so I still have to pay to go. I don't have a job or income right now, and my savings has gotten to the point where I won't be able to make it more than a couple more months before I have nothing left. I won't be eligible for financial aid and loans until September, assuming I get through my classes this semester and take a fair amount of classes in the summer. So I can get loans and things then, but until then there's nothing I can do.
I guess if I can't do those things there is no point. I just thought it was I am not just supposed to give her name to people at the hospital to get them to let me go, which I don't do. Before she just said only scheduling appointments because I told the doctors in hospital I would was not effective so if I wanted to come that could not be the only reason. Now it's something different. It's always something different.
We had a snow day today so I didn't have to go in to uni, so finally got some sleep. I'm not managing well at all. I'm not doing schoolwork. I'm really not taking care of the dog properly. I'm struggling and I don't think I can keep putting anything off much longer. There's just too much.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : long email from doctor lady
To clarify, my second paragraph is consistent with what we've discussed in many of your appointments--treatment is not effective if we don't meet regularly and work toward defined goals. All of my clients schedule regular appointments, meaning once a week in the beginning, or once every other week when we've made gains toward their goals. Each time we end our appointments, you decline to schedule another appointment. This means that each time you leave, we have no sense of when we'll meet again. This virtually guarantees that we can't work, consistently, toward any goals that you have. This is unusual in my experience. As I've shared in the past, it would be unethical if I did not share my concerns about this pattern and how it impacts the effectiveness of our work together.
If we are to continue meeting, it is time for us to be clear about the following:
1) It is necessary to schedule appointments at least every other week
2) It is necessary to have a future appointment scheduled at the conclusion of each visit (i.e. we need to schedule an appointment before you leave your visit with me).
3) It is necessary to have a sense of what we're working on. The goals can be as basic as "develop trusting working relationship." They don't need to be complex, but we do need to know what we're working toward.
Treatment is typically ineffective without these three factors. If we continue to have difficulty coming to an understanding on these three points, it would be best for us to discontinue meeting and for you to explore other resources in the community that might better suit your needs. I would be happy to provide a list of community agencies that you might consider.
I will still send you my availability for next week, but I strongly encourage you to consider if you can meet these three basic necessities. If you would still like to schedule, please let me know what times would work for you.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
I'd say those are pretty basics in regard of this kind of treatment.
Do you find these requirements unreasonable or is it lack of money that is the problem? Or maybe both? Im not sure i understand exactly what it is you are saying but would like to.
Personally ive had these kinds of agreements in every type of therapy ive had. Being consistant in showing up and in case it becomes a problem for whatever reason, discuss it and find a solution that works.
Having goals and reviewing how its going along the way and setting new goals when one is reached is also a normal requirement.
I agree that these things are basic and needs to be in place for the treatment to be effective as she says. Ive never experienced to not have agreements like that (sometimes even more agreements for me to get the treatment) from the start, no matter whether it was treatment in the mental health sector here or the private treatment ive had and it makes sense to me.
It seems she wants to help and believe she can but it is true that it also require you to do something and make clear deals and agreements with her that you follow. I think she seems understanding from how i read it but i do understand how it can be a problem financially and maybe you need to discuss that with her and see if, together, you can find a solution where the treatment can still be effective and you are able to cope financially with it.
It is of course not going yo be easy to challenge your beliefs, behaviors etc. But perhaps fir now, finding a solution on how to get the help and how it can work fir both you and her is most important. Then after that face the difficulties of talking little by little and challenge the belief of it being impossible to talk or certain things will happen and how to manage the risks that may occur after you have opened up. That should be in place beforehand as well.
If is your choice though whether you can talk or not. Not an easy choice but yours still. It is also your choice whether to harm yourself and again s difficult one if you believe something horrible will happen if you dont. But you only get better if you do this snd challenge it and by that learn that it is not necessarily true what you are so convinced of. I do understand that it is in no way easy and that it will cause major anxiety and triggers however how to handle those things is also something to find out with her if you agree to the treatment.
However it is clear from her email that she is not expecting you to just be able to open up and tell everything within an hour. She does need to feel thst you want this snd is trying and challenging things, even though its hard and scary. She needs to feel that you want this and is willing to do what is necessary for you to get better but not all at once.
It is not unusual for therapists/psycholigists etc. To have a few demands and from what i have experienced, hers seem very readonable and fair in comparison.
Den fuldkomne kærlighed,
Kan ikke eksistere blandt ufuldkomne
If it's so basic why is she only now saying it is something I have to agree to? Every time I turn around there's something new that I'm not doing right or that I have to agree to.
I don't think it's necessarily unreasonable but I don't think given what I have told her about scheduling things that it is ok to expect that. Especially given she has always said she does not want me to feel pressured or like I have to come. Now she's contradicting herself.
Plus financially yes it's an issue. It's 14 dollars to see her, and that means using the money that my mom gives me which I am supposed to use for things like food and gas on that. Doing that every week would be a decent chunk of that money.
It's just weird because she said at first I could not email her about things but now she seems okay with me emailing her questions or to schedule things. I think she has realised I do not talk on the phone. I have told her that multiple times. You are supposed to call on the phone when you arrive for an appointment and I do not. Justin did the first few times until he refused and I did not do it so she just comes out to check to see if I am there because otherwise she knows I would sit there and wait the entire time and not call.
I want to ask her why she is saying this is an issue now when it was not an issue before because it is contradictory but I feel like that would be rude to ask.
Last edited by Auror. : 17-02-2015 at 03:45 AM.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
It could be that she was waiting for you to feel comfortable enough to schedule regular appointments with her in your own time and that she may now just be trying to see if you need encouraging to see Her more regularly.
She could also be looking at this all from a financial point which does suck, but it is possible that there are people waiting for her support that she can't take on due to patients that aren't making appointments. Not that I am saying this is your fault at all, just that often of patients aren't seen to engage activley they tend to want to offer the treatment to others.
I have to agree with Morpheus, what she had said in her email to you is pretty standard for things like this. And there does come a time when they have to act. She could be seeing it as you not wanting the help etc.
Would it be possible to explain any of what you have said here to her?
That you don't understand why she is suddenly saying this. How you can't talk about things but that you need support. And everything else you mentioned in your first post.
I think maybe I could ask why she is suddenly saying this in email but the rest of the stuff would probably require making an appointment. She already knows that there are things I am not allowed to talk about.
I am afraid of saying something though because it is contradictory and the last time I told her that something she said contradicting something else she said she told me I must have misunderstood and that it was not contradictory.
Please do not give me virtual hugs unless you are only using the hug function on threads. Thanks.
You can't always keep it separate.
This is happening, this is part of you.
What makes you think she is saying you don't want help (and is that the thing that you feel is contradictory as previously she's acknowledged you have)?
Short reply I'm afraid - at placement. Will reply properly when I'm home x
