I really want to date as I want to be close to someone and be emotionally intimate with someone, but the thought of doing anything sexual with anyone makes me want to puke. This includes cuddling and kissing because at least to me these are both highly sexual. I didn't used to be like this...I used to be willingly to try something sexual with someone someday. But not anymore. I only feel comfortable fantasizing about it. Should I just never even bother dating? I mean, how would I explain to someone that even if I wanted to kiss them, I can't physically do it. At least not without feeling sick about it.
Before anyone asks: I wasn't sexually abused as a child and I've never been raped. Something happened a couple years ago that some may consider "sexual assault", but it was so ridiculously innocent that there's no way it could have been considered that. I think at that point I already thought that stuff was beyond disgusting anyway.
I'm not asexual either—I fantasize about sex all the time and I still have physical desire, although it's quickly disappearing.
I've heard of sex therapy, but also have heard that it's difficult to find (I'm in the US) and also quite expensive. Ideally, I wish I had a friend to help (with kissing/holding hands, not necessarily intercourse), but I think that would just make me more disgusted further.
I can't stand feeling this way. Sexuality has been a huge issue in one form or another for years and I can't seem to do anything about it. It just keeps getting worse.
Hi :), I don't think the line between sexuality and asexuality is quite as clear cut as some may think. There are varying degrees of asexuality such as grey-A, demisexual, semisexual etc. Some people identify as asexual but still fantasise and masturbate etc.
Sexuality is definitely a very difficult thing to work out, also I know some people who identify as asexual/aromantic get their emotional support and closeness from very close friendships as opposed to romantic relationships. If you don't feel sex is right for you now then I don't think you should feel it's necessary to pursue it, as much as society pushes the ideal of relationships and sex making you a "well off" or "succesful" person down our throats. Your attitude to sex may well change, but if you're disgusted by it I don't think pursuing it would be exactly helpful at the moment. Especially as it sounds like you're more interested in the emotional aspect of a relationship.
Oh god I want to hear you say,
I want to hear you say that you were wrong again
This is the first thing
I have understood:
Time is the echo of an axe
Within a wood.
Yeah, I've been reading about different kinds of "asexual" this evening, so I suppose it's possible. It's just that in my mind sex hasn't been "disgusting" until recently. Thinking about actually doing it has just gotten more "disgusting". Maybe it's because I have very little experience in any of this. Kind of like having a fear about something that you know nothing about or don't understand. It could also be that I've had more problems with my sexual preferences lately than I have been. I probably find sex with one gender disgusting because I'm not all that interested in them. And I might find the other disgusting because I feel really bad and disgusting about having feelings.
It's not the societal pressure entirely (although I'll admit that it does influence me some), but because I really really want to be able to have sex or even sexual thoughts without being sick or harming myself because of them. I used to be completely fine...sex-drive and interest level and such. But then I only considered one gender, not both. And I was a teenager back then too, so maybe that was it.
I don't think you need sexual therapy, there's no problem with your sex life with your partner. I think you need traditional therapy, to explore thise traumatic event, then when you find a partner take things slowly. If you find the right person you may find you don't have a problem aanymore. I was like this when i met my ex it was instantly ok, the flashbacks and anxiety went away.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Could have written this thread..seriously can relate pretty much sentence to sentence. I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know your not alone with this.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
I don't think you need sexual therapy, there's no problem with your sex life with your partner. I think you need traditional therapy, to explore thise traumatic event, then when you find a partner take things slowly. If you find the right person you may find you don't have a problem aanymore. I was like this when i met my ex it was instantly ok, the flashbacks and anxiety went away.
Except for one instance, I don't have flashbacks. It wasn't truly traumatic. Just me and a guy (who was a bit older and married, if that matters) who were drunk and basically he was getting me to touch him and he touched me some too (but not in inappropriate places). I didn't really know what was going on at first because I'm just that innocent and then I couldn't really do much about it. I sort of froze. How is that traumatic?
I'm glad you were instantly ok, but I would find it hard to believe that that would happen to me. Whenever I really thought about it, sex with guys in my imagination was ok, but thinking about doing specific things in real life made me sick. Before anything traumatic happened. It could be because I'm not sexually attracted to men, just romantically/emotionally and get the two confused. However, I'd rather do anything, be anything, or have anything else happen to me than be gay. But then again how could I be if I've had crushes on guys? I have no idea how to figure this out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeRises
Could have written this thread..seriously can relate pretty much sentence to sentence. I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know your not alone with this.
I'm glad I'm not alone, as I feel like a freak. I'm sorry you have to go through this too though...if you wouldn't mind me asking, do you know why you feel this way? Or is it sort of a mystery to you too?
I was talking about the incident that could have been assault. Sex therapy is more for couple wanting to work through some issues, not really something done alone IMO. Regular therapy can help you work through these feelings and give you some coping strategies to help in the future. I was raped and assaulted in my past and although not with a professional, traditional talking therapies is what helped me. When you meet ssomeone if you want to try sex therapy it's usually expensive and most people wouldn't do it unless in a serious commited relationship.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I was talking about the incident that could have been assault. Sex therapy is more for couple wanting to work through some issues, not really something done alone IMO. Regular therapy can help you work through these feelings and give you some coping strategies to help in the future. I was raped and assaulted in my past and although not with a professional, traditional talking therapies is what helped me. When you meet ssomeone if you want to try sex therapy it's usually expensive and most people wouldn't do it unless in a serious commited relationship.
Ok, that makes sense. So I'm looking in the wrong place if I'm looking for therapy. Therapy isn't effective for me as I'm not a "good patient" so I'm going in already knowing that I'm either forced to be there and/or that they're going to dislike me because I'm not an ideal patient. That and I hate the fact that they're controlling, possessive, have a "ha ha, I told you so attitude". And they wonder why I'm hostile and belligerent...
I'm too difficult to talk to and I swear they intentionally bait me so talk therapy just isn't going to work. I've tried group therapy too, but had to quit as I had to leave during the second session before I started a fight with another person in the group.
I guess I'll just have to wait until I find someone who takes the lead in all the relationship things and just go along with it as I'd be lucky to even get that.
It sounds positive though that you're identifying something as a potential area you'd like to make progress in, it's often that you have to try a few times with therapy.
What kinds of therapy have you tried before?
Personally I found the kinds of therapy I'd had previously weren't helpful, I was described as "difficult" and "resistive", but as soon as I found something that I got on well with it made things a lot easier for me to open up and I benefit from my current therapy a lot.
It sounds positive though that you're identifying something as a potential area you'd like to make progress in, it's often that you have to try a few times with therapy.
What kinds of therapy have you tried before?
Personally I found the kinds of therapy I'd had previously weren't helpful, I was described as "difficult" and "resistive", but as soon as I found something that I got on well with it made things a lot easier for me to open up and I benefit from my current therapy a lot.
I guess so...although I don't see any progress made in traditional therapy or any therapy that I've heard of anyway. I don't like being told what to do, especially by a smug know-it-all therapist. And I have yet met one that isn't like that or doesn't set unreasonable goals. I'm not going to quit self-harming and never do it again like it's that easy. That's what all of my therapists have been like except for one and he was the most smug of them all.
I've basically done talk therapy and I've done group therapy which was supposed to be play acting social situations in order to improve social interactions. But by role-playing, this other guy played this guy that I was afraid of and made the character so real and mean that I hated this person. So after that everything he said was a personal attack. So I had to quit before I got into a fight with him.
It sounds like the therapists you've seen haven't been terribly understanding, it's not very understanding to expect you to just stop self harming immediately and never to engage in that again.
I think it's important, when you're in any sort of therapy, to feel safe to talk and not pressured/threatened at all. I think it's understandable that you felt that way when the group member personified someone you knew who made you afraid, I'm in group therapy at the moment and if someone there made me think strongly of someone who made me feel bad I imagine I'd feel hostile towards them, it's an understandable reaction.
Do you think you could ever give therapy another try? I'm not sure how it works where you are, but maybe you could talk to a doctor, explain the reservations you have with therapy and what you don't feel has worked, and maybe they can suggest/refer you to another sort of therapy.
Well, I'm in school right now. There are limited options there. I'm still on my parents' insurance for now, but where I go to school other people outside the school usually aren't covered or covered that well. The insurance is supposed to change in January, so maybe that'll change.
I have problems trusting and telling the truth as it is...therapists have broken my trust so many times, it's difficult to have any positive attitude towards therapy. So I just don't see it being successful. At least not right now.
I think rather than a friend, you need a partner (who you like and who likes you) who is patient and understands your issues and who will help you any way they can. For a lot of people sex isn't a large part of the relationship. Yes, it is a part of it, but it's not the be-all and end-all.
My 'therapy' was with volunteer counsellors, they get trained but they're not therapists, but they listen and don't judge and it's a good place to start.
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
I was always convinced I would never have sex and thought it was disgusting and horrible, but I ended up with a partner who was prepared to take it slow and I am fine now. I still find the idea of sex disgusting with anyone else, and I find it hard to talk about sex or listen to people make jokes about it. But it is ok with my partner.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HopeRises
Could have written this thread..seriously can relate pretty much sentence to sentence. I don't have any advice I just wanted to let you know your not alone with this.
Quote:
I'm glad I'm not alone, as I feel like a freak. I'm sorry you have to go through this too though...if you wouldn't mind me asking, do you know why you feel this way? Or is it sort of a mystery to you too?
No, I don't really know. When I was younger I was fine and used to 'do things' with guys but, never sex. I have had sex but not much. I was drunk. The longer I go 'without' the more and more a bigger deal it becomes. I am 26 and I haven't had sex for 4 and a half years. I don't get in relationships or anything either because at some point it will lead to sex. I think there is a lot of fear surrounding it. I don't know.
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
What little experience I've had with guys was either embarrassing or boring. Even with someone I thought that I was attracted to and felt very comfortable with. I just really didn't feel anything. I mean, aren't you supposed to feel something?
And yes a partner would be better than a friend, but I can't imagine it ever happening. The only time I was close, I got disinterested in him physically in a week. And I don't know how I should find out if I actually react physically to the same sex without outing myself. I suppose a few people do know there's some question, but it's not common knowledge and I never want it to be. The last thing I want to find out is that I'm only physically attracted to my own gender anyway. But I just feel trapped.
