Triggering (Abuse) - Angry and Devasted

DON'T UNDERSTAND · 05-10-2009, 10:36 PM

I have just ended my 3 year relationship with my partner. He was very charming at first then a year or so into our relationship his father was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He started to drink heavily, was verbally abusive and started to take his frustration out on our shared possessions.

We were due to get married but I put it on hold for awhile. His behaviour got worse so I moved back to my parents. After a few weeks he wanted to make things better so I went back on the condition he sought help, for anger management and bereavement counselling as his father past away shortly after.

His behaviour improved but he only attended 1 session for counselling advising me it wasn't for him. He continued to be verbally abusive, name calling, putting me down, intimidating me by invading my personal space, withdrawing and giving me the silent treatment, being critical, argumentative, then he went back to his charming self. He then trashed some of my personal items over the smallest argument. so I pressed charges and he got a conditional discharge and it was noted on the grounds of domestic violence although he did not physically harm me. But if he re-offended in a 12 month period he would face a more harsh punishment.

The turning point came, when we started again with the wedding plans for 2010, booked a holiday to spain and built a new and stronger bond. Whilst on holiday his drinking heavily returned, and his mood was simmering to boiling point. On our return we went to a friends party, there were individuals there that were using racial offensive language so I decided I wanted to leave. My partner wanted to stay and enjoy the alcohol. He followed me down the street to pursuade me to go back and when I wouldn't he pushed me over into the road.

He didn't return home all night but returned in the morning when I was in bed asleep and woke me up, he stank of alcohol so I told him to get out of bed, how dare he push me in the road, stay out all night then try to get in bed. He smacked me right in the face, trashed the house, chased me down the street at which point i felt like I was running for my life,I managed to get to a safe place and sort advice.

He had scratches on his arm and i was told if I wanted to press charges, he would press charges against me for defending myself and trying to get him off me, but as I work with children I did not want to take it further for obvious reasons. I could not press charges for the damage to the house because it is jointly owned.

The aftermath is immense and I am so angry and hurt.

On speaking to my now ex, he is not sorry for what he did, he said "I only tapped you" I didn't hurt you"

This is an 18 stone male talking to me a 6 1/2 stone female.

He wants to move back in but over my **** body! Not a chance I will never take him back, he has passed the point of no return.

My story highlights that domestic violence be it verbal, emotional or unpredictable, I am no expert but I am sure it all eventually results in physical abuse. Its escallates until you are running for your life.

I do not know where to start rebuilding my life in a positive peaceful way. Any advice would be appreciated and used.

Stellata · 06-10-2009, 06:45 PM

Domestic violence - shame, humiliation, rage, defensiveness, hostility, fear, traps, love, denial, hatred, attachment, rejection. All those complex feelings are in your words and experiences.

Rebuilding your life takes place on at least 2 levels - practically and emotionally. Do you feel safe where you are? How can you best protect yourself? This is relevant on an emotional and physical level. You might like to explore treatment through psychotherapy or counselling to help guide you as you rebuild, and/or you might try a physical form of exercise that feels peaceful, gentle and strengthening for you.

Angel_of_Urs · 06-10-2009, 10:26 PM

Re building your life after this has been such a major part for a long time will undoubtedly be difficult but when the tough times and the emotional pain hits you the hardest remember the most important thing: that you are worth so much more.

I'm impressed at your strength and determination not to have him back in your life and from what I've read it seems like the best decision you could have made so well done =)

Though it's different from everyone, I found that starting out practically is the best way to go, find things to occupy yourself that you and you alone enjoy doing so that in the hardest of times when you feel like you might want him back you have to something to take your mind off these thoughts. That was the hardest thing for me. I found it helpful make lists of reasons why the decision I had made was the right one and why I felt that maybe I was worth more than that, it helped me to have something to read that inspired me to move forward on dark days. Aside from that I agree with all of the things mentioned in the above post. It's all about you now and making yourself feel good.

As you build your life in a practical way that benefits you the emotional healing and re building will come with time and eventually you'll become stronger and will feel okay again.

This are just my thoughts, I hope some of this has helped you if only a little.

Take care x