A Short Lived Paradise
Where to begin?
That’s an enormous question to start with. As dramatic as it sounds I feel as if he has literally stolen my heart from my chest, ripped it to shreds, tried endlessly to put it back together again and then given it back to me. Now a deformed ugly thing that sits inside me struggling to keep up with all the other organs who need attention too.
Now my mangled heart is unable to cope and is jumping around trying to escape back to his warm embrace. To feel his soft skin that smells so uniquely of just him. To hear him whisper everything you want to hear; you need to hear. I remember every single word he said as if it had been etched into my skin and I can feel each word, each meaning pumping through my body. I am hopelessly addicted to every syllable that he utters. They fall over me like a blanket and smother me so I cannot breathe without them.
He has gone and he took his words with him. Some have been left but they are fast turning into whispers that I can only just hear and I add meaning to them and so they are different now. They have changed. The aren’t his words anymore. They are simply words that are rattling around trying to find solace.
I miss him. The way he can so easily make me smile. The way he looks at me so intently as if he can hear every thought. When you wake up in the morning and find another body next to yours and you can feel skin against skin. And this is what paradise must be? Your head is empty apart from those thoughts which question this existence.
His hand brushes past your face and you feel every finger as it lingers over your cheek for just a second. Sometimes not even touching but you know its there. Essentially all you need is knowledge. Just to know that he is there beside you and you might not touch and you might not look or speak but he is there and you can just about feel the heat radiate from his body to yours. You bury your head in a pillow, close your eyes, fight with every bone and muscle and then slowly open one eye and unclench one hand move your head slightly and there he is watching you go through this all and he is still smiling and still wants you.
And then…
You slip up. You tell him your dark secrets. The secrets where you ended in hospital because you swallowed too many pills or had to just run and run and run without thinking. You don’t tell him the whole story but enough. And now you wake in the morning and he doesn’t look at you and when he does its not the same. Your head is buzzing. Your analysing his every move, gesture, word looking for something that might explain what he is thinking. But of course, your analysis is not enough. You are shutting down. He won’t ever get back in and as much as you want to deny that you know its true. You have destroyed this short lived fantasy and now you must go back to sleeping without another body and wrapping yourself up in duvet covers because you are cold now.
He did leave me with one thing though and that’s reading. I have found my love for books again. I am on a quest to read everything from Satre to Russel Brand, from Nietzsche to C. S. Lewis. Russell Brand is at the top of my list to read today. His writings are of a man so indulged by his own self that he unwittingly destroys everything he has. I understand him though. Of course I am not a drug addict or in anyway addicted to sex but in some ways my personality has a hugely addictive side. Everyday I constantly thinks about two things; the rest of the world and self harm. Destruction seems the only way to freedom. If I destroy myself and the relationships around me I can be free to do whatever I want. If I travel to the furthest parts of the world, far from the concrete town I live in now I can be whoever I want to be. I can meet the world so to speak and then disintegrate myself with it. I can crawl into a cave of self pity and worry only for my own sanity.
I firmly believe I am in the midst of a nervous breakdown. He has affected me so much. I want to speak to him, touch him, see him but I can’t and its killing me. I cannot believe I let myself destroy this. I know we would have destroyed each other in the long run but that doesn’t bother me. Every bone in my body, every drop of blood that is running through my veins wants him. How have I let one person, one boy change my whole being?
