My daughter holds me responsible for all of her life's issues

[Nancier]

Hello everyone, I hope you're doing well. I am in need of guidance and assistance, and I am hoping that you can help me out. I am currently facing a challenging situation with my 39-year-old daughter, who resides overseas and has chosen to cut off communication with me and the rest of our family for quite some time now. Unfortunately, she has also blocked me and her brother on Facebook, which has made it difficult to reach out.

When my daughter was young, around 6 years old, her father was very sick with Parkinson's disease, and we were struggling financially. At that time, my daughter and her younger brother were born out of wedlock while my husband was still married to another woman. His own family disowned him, and when he fell ill, nobody wanted to help us. I was forced to work overseas as a nanny to make ends meet. I returned to my home country when my daughter was 20 years old. At that time, she was already engaged and did not want anything to do with me. She blamed me for the difficult situations she experienced in her life. She claims that I didn't support her through college and that she had to take care of her brother herself. Unfortunately, I had to make a choice between putting her or her brother through college, and I chose her brother because she was never home, and her aunt had informed me of this. Her father passed away when she was just 12 years old. I am aware that my daughter had to endure a lot of hardship during that time, but we also had no choice.

My daughter is currently living overseas with her daughter whom I have not yet had the opportunity to meet. She speaks solely with my sister and regards her as her mother figure whilst completely ignoring me. She seems to be under the impression that my sister is the one who raised her, but the reality was that I was sending them money for their support.

My daughter is very upset with me and has stopped communicating with her brother. Her anger is negatively impacting her daughter, who is missing out on the chance to have a grandma in her life. My daughter's husband holds a lot of sway in their relationship because he has a well-paying job and has been a major part of her life decisions. My daughter has become an accountant, and she has claimed that I never helped her to this point. However, I had to make many sacrifices and work hard to provide our family with financial support. My daughter believes that my choices affected her mental state.

Please don't judge me for not being there for my daughter when she was young. I just need to express my frustration. It's hard for me to comprehend why my daughter would behave like this towards her own child. Her child deserves to have a grandmother. I appreciate the opportunity to vent.

[Auror.]

Parents and their choices absolutely can and do influence their children's mental health and lives well into adulthood. And choosing to cut off family members is totally allowed and valid.

And to claim that your grandchild "deserves to have a grandmother" is a pretty bold claim. Your daughter is allowed to choose whether or not she wants you or other family in her life. It's up to her to make those choices for herself and her own children.

Sounds like she has made her own hard choices, just like you had to make your own, and it's going to be on you to learn to accept them and cope.

Sorry it's been so difficult for you, and I'm not trying to sound unempathetic to your own situation. But your daughter is an adult. As are you. We don't have to like the choices other people make. How can you learn to accept them and move forward in your own life?

[Iamcatbug]

I'm sorry, but it feels like there are some holes in this story. If there is no communication between yourself and your daughter how do you know how your grandaughter is doing?

I appreciate that you feel like you supported your daughter over the years, but I get where she is coming from. Yes you did support, but only financially. It sounds like she received no other type of support from you, either in terms of emotional support while she was dealing with what was happening in her life or any communication from you over those years. So, yes, in your daughters eyes, your sister did raise her, not you. you were not physically in her life.

It also comes across that there has been some, if unintentional favouritism from you over the years towards your son. Your son got the education because the daughter was never there, but also she supported her brother?? That doesn't make sense. She was either there or she wasn't. Did you ever communicate your decisions to her?

Also, while i appreciate that you want a relationship with your grandaughter, it isn't your choice. Yes you are a grandparent, but that does not give you the right to a relationship with her.

You have to respect that your daughter has chosen to go no contact with you. The more you push, the more you will drive her away.

[CaptainB2]

It sounds like your daughter feels hurt by you, it’s not really your place to decide whether you did or did not hurt her. If she feels hurt, she feels hurt. I believe she is protecting your granddaughter from you or least she thinks that’s what she’s doing. She may fear that you will hurt the granddaughter, the same way you hurt her. Please understand that I am not judging. I’m just trying to guess what I believe your daughter may be feeling based on prior knowledge from other folks I know who are not speaking to their parents.

It does sound like you and your daughter both have communication with your sister, is that correct? If you do wish to mend broken fences, perhaps your sister could be a go-between? Truly, your daughter must know that your sister is communicating with you, right? I would try to find out if there is even the slightest thing you can do to play even a minuscule role in both your daughter and granddaughter’s life. Even if it just means FaceTiming during holidays or something small like that. Please don’t get your hopes up as it does seem, at least based on your story, that your daughter may have completely made up her mind about you, not being a part of her or her daughter’s life.

MAYBE your sister can talk her into giving you a chance, but I don’t wanna give you false hope. If the lines of communication do open up between you and your daughter, I would advise letting your daughter express her negative feelings towards you and then doing all you can to apologize and make amends even if you in your mind feel as if you’ve done nothing wrong. Obviously, your daughter feels like you have. Be prepared to hear a lot of things you may not want to hear from your daughter. At that point, it’s up to you to fix things. You are going to have to do a lot of work and that is only if your sister can get the lines of communication open up!

I am really sorry you’re going through this as it sounds like you always felt like you were doing the right things for your family. I know it must be hurting and devastating to not even know your own grandchild. I don’t want to give you too much hope but broken fences can be mended. I certainly wish you and your family the best of luck!