I can't believe this. This is so freaking scary.
She said she read my diary. I didn't believe it, and just laughed and said " So what did you find there?" and she said " You cut yourself". I was so shocked I couldn't say anything. So turns out, she didn't actually read it. Just tested me. And, stupid me, I fell into that trap. I told her I'm ok now and I haven't SH'd in 2 months. Which was a lie, because it's only 19 days (longest I've ever gone.. But I'm coping pretty well so I think I can make it way longer :) ). Mom said she's not gonna tell anyone and not gonna remind me of this anymore. And she said she won't think about it, I know that's not possible, but all I want is.. that she wouldn't try to tiptoe around me and that she wouldn't think I'll cut myself every time I get angry and go to my room. I just don't want things to change. Self harm was MY thing. One of my friends knows, but I don't see her so often. Mom sees me every day. That's what's terrifying. She believed I'm over it, but I know she will look for something that would prove that I still SH. Which means, that if I accidentally hurt myself she will think that I did it on purpose. She did it BEFORE she found out that I really do SI. It will probably get even worse now.. Or better. Maybe now she got her answer and she's gonna forget about it? Who am I kidding. Of course she wont forget.
Sorry, I know this post is really weird. I'm shocked, so that explains this.
I feel so weird about this. Some part of me is saying "who cares? so she knows. big deal. she'll get over it." and other part's like "OMG this is horrible. Panic!" and another one " She found out! It's good. For reason unknown."...
It's understandable to be shocked in this situation, sweetie. And I can understand why you're feeling a bit weird and stressed out. But it sounds like your mum took it quite well and is trying to be kind about it.
It could be useful for you though, now that she knows. Can you talk to her about how you're feeling?? She's your mum and will be worried about you and want to help, she just might not know how to if she doesn't know much about SI.
And well done on 19 days, that really is brilliant. Sorry I don't have any real advice, but I'm thinking of you *hugs*
it sounds like your mum is worried about you and is going to be supportive. what happened when my parents found out was that they didn't so much tiptoe around me, they just sorta made sure that i wasn't unsafe afterwards, and tried to stay calm. they also would stop if they saw that they were going to far and i was unable to cope. and then would come back to it calmer later.
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I know it's hard but try not to see it as such a terrible thing. If she is understanding she could help you towards recovery. Do you feel you can talk more openly about it with her now? Similar thing happened with my mum and now it just isn't talked about, which I find worse, because it's like she never acknowledged seeing my cuts in the first place.
I agree with Carrina, it's better to try and talk through it (though it is NOT the easy choice). With my mom and me… things were horribly awkward at first, but now it's just pretty well off topic. Once or twice a month is seems to pop up unexpectedly, and those comments always make me cold and shuddery with panic, but all in all, it's sort of… okay. But I totally understand the whole three-feeling thing. I felt the same way - like it'd be fine, like it'd never EVER be okay again, and like somehow it might be a wonderful thing but I just didn't know why. Got to say, it wasn't a 'wonderful' thing, but it wasn't bad either for me.
My sister found my diary, by the way. I felt completely… violated? Like I couldn't trust anything. I donno how you are taking it, but I advise continuing to journal stuff. I found a new and way more secure hiding place for my old diaries and kept the current journal on me at all times for a while, but definitely don't stop letting yourself write things out.
I hope things turn out okay with you and your mom. We're all here for you. :)
Silence can be golden but gold can sometimes suffocate
Like that girl in that James Bond film, too late to respirate
Tragedy can be plain to see with lights and sirens
But sometimes it ain't quite so clear, Domestic Silence
~Scroobius Pip
Well she's not the kind of person I can talk to about my feelings. I know I sound like a coward (and I probably am) but it looks like if she thinks I'm over it, it's ok. The past is the past. Mom's acting same as before, so everything's fine. Almost. Except that I want to cut just to.. start over. It's like if she thinks I don't do it, then it's almost like I've never started. I know it's stupid. I haven't cut for 20 days... I really want to make it a month, so I have to resist this urge..
About the diary thing - I'm not gonna stop writing. I'm gonna hide it better though. I mean, she didn't really read it, but she used it as a lie, so she's probably thinking about it. But I'm not gonna stop writing, that's for sure.
Thank you all for your replies.
You're not a coward. It sounds like it would be difficult to bring up the subject if she's acting as if it's finished with. My mum acts like this, and I'm thinking maybe they're just afraid of confronting it? If you do want to talk it through with her you could direct her to this website and the information about self-harm. Or write a letter to her, putting down all your feelings and that you could do with her support to help fight the urges.
These are just some ideas. You should feel proud of yourself for being without SI for so long. You can do it.
They probably are. But so am I. I'd rather just pretend it never happened. Stupid, I know. And anyway, I couldn't direct her to this website, because she doesn't speak english well. We live in Lithuania (it's in Europe. Small country. HATE IT.) and we speak lithuanian (you've probably noticed that my english isn't so perfect).. And there isn't a lithuanian page like this. There are a few articles about self harm, but nothing as good as this. And translating everything to her would be awkward.
Writing a letter doesn't seem like a good idea to me now. I'm not sure why.
I kinda think I can do this alone. It might be just the fear talking.
Or maybe I really CAN..
Your English is brilliant, don't worry about that I'm afraid I don't know anything about support websites specifically in Lithuania but if there is a website or some information leaflets you can get hold of it'll at least maybe allay some of her concerns. You never know. And you wouldn't necessarily have to show her yourself. If you had some information leaflets or something printed out you could leave them where she might find them. Then it's up to her if she wants to talk about it with you, but at least she'll have been informed a bit more.
I'm sure you can do it alone. I'm doing it alone, too. I'd love some support but just can't bring myself to talk about it with my mum either, so I'm probably a bit of a hypocrite saying to you it's a good idea. I guess because ultimately I believe telling people and having a support network is the best thing.
I find it way easier to talk on here than to people in real life, and here everyone's going though something similar.
I'm glad I found someone else who is doing this alone too. PM me anytime. :)
I am sorry that happened. *hugs* I know how you feel. Like you, I felt like SI was MY thing. When my parents found out, it was awkward. Like you, they would think that I'd hurt myself intentionally even if I hadn't whenver they saw an injury.
Like you and your Mom, my parents and I don't talk much about my self-harm. Well, my Dad just likes to pretend it doesn't exist like your mom does, so I know how you feel concerning that too.
Like others have said, it's normal to feel upset in a situation like this, considering SI is a private, personal thing.
I'm afraid I don't know anything about support websites specifically in Lithuania but if there is a website or some information leaflets you can get hold of it'll at least maybe allay some of her concerns. You never know. And you wouldn't necessarily have to show her yourself. If you had some information leaflets or something printed out you could leave them where she might find them. Then it's up to her if she wants to talk about it with you, but at least she'll have been informed a bit more.
