Advice in Confronting Someone

afraidtogetbackup · 16-11-2009, 03:37 AM

so there is this girl in my school. The guidance counsellors and her cheerleading coach plus 2 girls on the team suspect that she cuts herself. i have noticed her arm after being told of the suspicion and it is pretty obvious that she does it a lot. I think i should talk to her and tell her about the peoples suspicion and that the coach is wanting to confront her about it. I thought about writing a letter to her saying that i need to talk to her about something really important and for her to call/email/talk to me as soon as possible. I would want to know if people were suspicious of me cutting and were going to talk to me sometime. i was curious what i should say when/if i talk to her and if anyone could give me their opinion on what they would what to here. should i tell i cut too. or not? help

hillary_annette · 16-11-2009, 03:43 AM

I would try reaching out to her- but I'd be careful how I did it. I think maybe starting out by saying you had noticed the cuts on her arms and that you were worried might be a little softer than telling her everyone else suspects what she's doing. You can't stop them from saying something to her- if they've made up their minds, that's it, right? And making the girl paranoid about what is coming probably won't really help things at all.

I say just lend a supportive hand, as much as you can without being triggered yourself.

Good luck. :]

afraidtogetbackup · 16-11-2009, 04:13 AM

thanks. that is a good point.

rachiie · 16-11-2009, 12:06 PM

good luck your doing the right thing by talking to her

afraidtogetbackup · 16-11-2009, 01:15 PM

thanks. i'm going to talk to her today. well i might at least put a letter in her locker telling her i need to talk to her and for her to get in touch. or actually talk to her if she is ever alone at some point.

afraidtogetbackup · 16-11-2009, 10:57 PM

okay, so after school i talked to the girl and she looked like she was going to cry and she got really nervous. here was the conversation.
Me : could i talk to you about something?
Her: What about?
Me : Well i noticed your arm--
her : what about my arm?
more talking that i don't really remember
so by this time she looks really nervous and terrified. also like she was going to cry.
Me: well i am concerned because i noticed scars on your arm.
Her: oh. there is no need to be concerned. I have gotten asked this before..(or something like that)
Her: *deep breath* Well, I work at an animal shelter once a week. (very matter of fact like she had said this before multiple times but it didn't convince me..it was too much like the "common" excuses) you don't need to be concerned.
Me: okay i was just making sure. just to let you know a couple people on the cheerleading team are concerned and so is the coach.
Her: There's no need to be concerned
Me: okay. if there was a need to be concerned i was going to let you know that you can talk to me anytime.

that is basically what was said. i don't remember the exact wording. Now i feel terrible for mentioning it too her and then not believing what she said.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : description of scars.

Once i noticed the scars in the first place, i realized that when she wasn't wearing long sleeves she tries to keep her arm covered as best she can. Then she seemed really nervous when i confronted her and half way through and when i left she looked like she was holding back tears so i don't know if i should believe her which is why i told her the last thing i said. Would any of you believe her? just wondering. did i confront her about it in the right way? i figure i won't confront her again but i have so much more i need to say. i would have said it then but she just looked so uncomfortable and i don't know her all that well so i don't think i should talk to her about it again.
Theresa

ProzacSmile · 16-11-2009, 11:08 PM

maybe confiding in her that you know how she feels might help her?

afraidtogetbackup · 16-11-2009, 11:22 PM

i was thinking about that. it was one of the things i wanted to mention today while talking to her. I just don't know if i should confront her again. To me since i cut and probably anyone else who cuts, the scars are obvious and i'm not convinced by her story because i have thought about using pretty much the same excuse that she gave me. How can/should i confront her again. Then what if she really doesn't and it was some fluke that her excuse was completely true..(highly unlikely but a small percentage of a possibility)
what would you do?

Gofeen · 17-11-2009, 12:12 AM

I would say it's important not to confront her but to offer support if you speak to her again. I don't know how you would feel about this or even if it's a good idea but it's what I'm going to do if a young girl in band either speaks to me or shows more marks that she's trying to hide. "the cat did it" and maybe the catreally did do it but I did gently speak to her last week and what I was going to do if she said yes she hurt herself was to quickly pull up my sleeve for a second and say you're not alone. If ever you want to talk I'm here but that is probably easier for me to do as I'm mummy age! She could easily be my child and what I felt towards her was maternal. Don't know if this is any help to you at all. This is a new band I've started going to and I will always keep my arms covered there because it is open to children as young as 10. Us oldies are a sort of add on.

-Shae-Lynn* · 17-11-2009, 11:20 PM

I always find it easier to tell people things over the computer through email or MSN or facebook message or something similar. Maybe you could contact her that way. The only downside is that you can't really be sure if she's gotten it if she doesn't reply or mention it.
When my friend saw a picture of my arm that had scars showing, she sent me a message and said she understood what it was like to feel the need to hurt yourself, and although she didn't know my reasons for doing it, that she would be there if I ever needed help. She also said that if I was okay and getting help she'd be happy to essentially forget about it and not bring it up again. She also said that she would not tell anyone, which was very reassuring.
Could you make contact that way? That at least gives a little bit of distance and doesn't put her on the spot at all. Maybe mention RYL as a way of getting some support.
I hope things work out for both of you

afraidtogetbackup · 17-11-2009, 11:44 PM

I think i need to talk to the girl again because even if cutting isn't a problem right now something else is. she ran away from school today during her last class. someone found her but she is going to need someone to talk to. i added her on facebook so hopefully she confirms the friendship. I just don't know what to say to her. I thought i would show her one of my poems if she comes and talks to me after i give her a note. the poem goes
I feel so trapped
And I can't escape
I feel empty and lost
I need to find my way
I feel lonely
Yet I'm surrounded by people
I feel all the pressure
Building up inside of me
I need to release it
But there is only one way
A way i'm trying to stop.

The letter will go something like..
I'm sorry that i confronted you on Monday. I probably should have waited for a better time. I am 99% positive that you lied to me the other day. I don't blame you because i do that to and did do that. Although i think i said something more along the lines that i fell down on my parents' land...I know people who do what i suspected you of and i am sorry if i was wrong. Even if there isn't anything to be concerned about with what was said monday, there is something going on. I don't know what but if you ever want to talk, i'll be here. for me i know it is sometimes easier going to someone you barely know but can trust rather than to your friends. I won't tell anyone anything so you can trust me. I mean how would i ever expect someone to keep my secrets if i don't keep others' secrets. I won't judge you either so you don't have to worry about that. I know you are probably thinking "how can i trust someone i don't know...and "she says she won't judge me but she really will." i've had thoughs thoughts before. I do want to help if i can. please talk to me. whether in person, the phone, or online, i don't care what you decide but please just let me try to help. If you don't want to talk to me, i understand but i'll be here if you ever decide to talk.
Theresa.
I would also put my phone number and email address in the note but i don't think i can post that on this website.
what does everyone think? i'm so confused and don't know what to do.

Horizon · 18-11-2009, 03:34 AM

While I think it's nice that you want to be there for this girl and support her, perhaps she does not want help or doesn't want to talk about it. Not to be rude, but if she doesn't know you that well, she may be more inclined to talk to her closer friends.
Remember - it isn't necessary that you help her - it sounds like her coach, etc are well aware of what might be going on, and are waiting to ask her about it.
I wouldn't necessarily say that you should confront/talk to her about it again. I think that if she wants to talk to you, she will do so. Too many conversations/letters about it, while nice of you, could come across as smothering.

Everything Inside · 19-11-2009, 12:33 AM

I think its really good that you feel you are strong enough to help someone, I think if you feel you can you should defiantly do everything you want etc to help.
I think a letter is a good idea explaining you have done it etc.
Someone once came to me about there cutting as they new i had done it myself, and (until a totally irrelevant incident happened and she turned against me) it seemed to help her.

Just make sure you don't get so sucked in it bring you down.
You deserve a medal for being a good person though :)
x

The Dancing Chicken · 21-11-2009, 04:11 AM

You know, I am always so torn about these questions. Because I try to imagine the situation as if I am the person who is being confronted, and I always come to the conclusion that I wouldn't want someone to come up to me regarding my self-injury, so I probably would not confront someone else. It seems like this girl understands that the coach and other students are concerned and talking about her, and that she may have been confronted by them in the past. And she is dealing with it the best she can, even if that means lying about it. Does she know that you have a history of self-injury, too? Or in her eyes, are you another prying person who is trying to get into her business? If you really want to talk to her about it, let her come to you. You let her know that you were available to talk if she needs it. Give her time.

afraidtogetbackup · 21-11-2009, 04:30 AM

she is a new student this year but people are talking about her ever sense she ran away. They aren't tormenting her about it but rather kinda thinking that she could have just walked out the front door or the choir door and no one would have noticed. I was going to tell her that i cut also but she looked so nervous and that she was going to cry i felt like i shouldn't tell her that i knew she was lieing but rather i should just leave it alone and let her know she can talk to me. I haven't had any opportunities to tell her this past week. I was just going to show her my wrists but she hasn't been alone. She added me on facebook though and i have been saying hi to her in the halls. I figured maybe if i just be nice to her and try to get to know her a little bit maybe she might feel comfortable talking to me. I'll try and tell her that i cut next week at school or just let her see my scars sometime so she knows.