Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - i think i regret it

[ladybug]

ok so i sent him an email because he kept saying i could trust him.... and now i regret sending it because now he knows how he feels.



the email....

the first time we met up you told me you would never hurt me, you then wondered why i freaked out and why i kept trying to keep your hands still, i didnt want it to happen. and then i kept saying sorry because i felt like it was my fault because you said that it made you feel like crap. after that day (20th may 06, yeh i still rememeber) i went home sat in a boiling bath for 4 hours scrubing myself because i felt so desgusting i then cut my arm so much i lost feeling in it.

and then when i started emailing you again i needed to get back at you i needed you to hurt as much as i was hurting and in the end when you told me that youd rather i killed myself instead of you having to do it i ended up in hospital on the 20th of december after taken far too many pills it broke my mums heart because of you.

and when i met you the second time i TRUSTED you i let myself trust you and all that happened was i felt **** i let you take my virginity i cheated on my boyfriend for you and all i got was flashbacks tears and i ended cutting myself so badly my mate had to stitch my arm together because i refused to go to hospital.

and you say what can happen if i trust you well lets see ...... i might acturly end up dead this time.

so no im not gunna trust you!

do you think it was a bad idea???????


feel so used and desgusting just wish i could die!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[melda]

It was good for you to be able to tell him how you feel as it may have released a lot of tension and hurt for you. But I dont know what your motives were for sending him this. There is no point in regretting sending it because you cant change the past, all you can do is deal with the consequences whatever they may be. Did you want to shock him, do you still want to be with him, I dont know. But you have to recognise that there is no more future for you and him now and that you have to stop letting this rule your life. You have made the choices cut and to OD, he didnt make those decisions for you, that was the way you dealt with it at the time and Im not criticising you for it. But now is the time to move on from what happened and put it in the past. You need to say to yourself that you are going to be in control now and you are going to live your life. It may be that you need a bit of help with than professionally and there is nothing wrong with asking for some help, it is a sign of strength to ask for help.

Whatever you decide, try and make a positive decision, you dont need to give your life to him anymore than you already have, you are worth so much more and your life is so important.

If you need anything, my inbox is always open.

Take care

[troubleshooter]

*hugs* You did a great job sending that. :) You were really brave and I'm proud of you Rachel.

[ladybug]

i sent it becausehe was trying to convince me to trust enough enough to give him another choice so he could go back out with me.

and i know he didnt make the choices but it was because of him that i did.

[melda]

I understand where you're coming from, I didnt mean it to sound like I was criticising you, sorry if it came across like that. I know its your decision, but please dont go out with him again, it will make your life more miserable, there are so many other great guys out there who will treat you decently and like how you deserve to be treated. Dont be sucked in. I was nearly sucked in by the guy who abused me, he made me believe that he did care about me and that he had changed, I met up with him a few times but then I came to my senses and thought I dont have to put up with this, there are other greater guys out there who want to treat me well and respect me. As I say its your decision to make, but put yourself first, think of your happiness.

Take care.

[ladybug]

thank you

[Popple]

*cuddles* well done lovvie