I'm full of problems, full of pain and though I do not identify as "depressed" I do have this huge depression in me, the feeling fills me up untill there's no place for any other feelings. The feeling belongs to me (not like it's an alter or something, it is my feeling) but it doesn't belong in me.
I don't have a broody personality, I like to solve problems instead of dwell on them, but the various psychologists/other forms of care I've tried have proven completely unhelpfull. My last psychologist even sent me away saying "she really didn't know how to help me"
I'm willing to try everything to get rid of those feelings of worthlessness, depression, cropped up feelings that I can't express in any healthy way, insecurity and selfhatred. There's just two things I totally despise;
Chemichal **** (pills I mean, I don't even take painkillers unless I totally feel like I'm dying while I have important things to do)
and abuse of authorothy, unvoluntary **** like being locked up, tied down, scolded, shouted at or manipulated in a way that's not respectfull of my opinions or intelect (yes, I'm pretentious enough to think I have enough brains to make my own decisions)
Does anyone have any experience with "getting over" 20 eyars of severely (mostly mentally) abuse (since early childhood) and is anyone does; what worked for you? please tell me, I want to move on, get a future instead of live in the (Hell of my) past.
Have you been back to the doctor and asked what they can do to help you? Maybe a new psychologist, or a counsellor or something? Talking therapies are probably your best bet if you want to stay away from meds.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
I kinda don't wanna go to the doctor again cause I've been going there too much, have been sick 2 times in like 5 weeks and still not feeling good, am scared they will think I'm just doing it for attention.
Also they're kinda lost too, I've been at the doc's for this at least 3 times allready in the past few years, last time stating I really couldn't do it alone and that situations would get dangerous (health-wise cause I can't take care of me when things are really bad and tend to SH too) if I didn't get help (not in a threathening or ranting way, just straight-to-the-point, these are the facts)
Asking for help is a big step for me anyway cause I've been badly abused by some who were supposed to help me. But it's really unworkable now, I simply can't live like this, though I'm trying to stay in one, undamaged piece as much as possible.
you sound like me. There are ways that you can improve and stop feeling like this even if you have seen a lot of people that haven't helped. The trick is finding the right sort of help for you, easier said than done but it is possible. I'm anti drugs as well but ended up going on something for a few months which helped up to a point and then i stopped taking it. But it did do something. But if you are still adamant that you don't want to take anything, I totally respect that.
Are you on any waiting lists or anything? Are u under CMHT? Even finding a professional at any level that you feel is supportive could help emotionally - building up trust and stuff. I suggest reading up on talking therapies and trying to look at what you've already had and why it hasn't worked. Be as objective as possible.
I'm on a waitinglist for an assisted living thing, where I have my own flat inside a building where assistance is available when needed. Typically help like learning to cook, clean etc, but I hope it could help me get a grip on my life, since I can cook and clean and all, but often I "can't".
It creeps me out, just thinking about going there but I can't keep living in a mouldy attic with rats and all, not cooking, not cleaning... I need to do something
I don't mean to be threathening or blackmailing but I keep thinking "maybe I should just stop trying to be fine. Maybe if I just break down and stop struggling someone will finally realise how broken I am under the mask"
I've learned to appear strong over the years, showing weakness leads to scolding, slapping, bing locked up, put on meds, being bullied, being kicked out onto the streets... But really I hardly manage to stay alive, just breathing and making sure I have food and a bit of sleep take all I can put into it.
But everybody seems to think I'm sooooo strong and so independant.
I'm crumbeling, falling down, but the outside is the last part to go.
