I caused myself much damage through this. It embedded the PTSD and Depression still deeper, and I am now emerging from the fall-out.
I was a teacher, and was in the wrong job.
I was terrified and had nothing else to hold onto, so stayed with it. Stubborn and strong willed me. But I also felt so powerless.
I was unwell then. I see that now.
There are a number of people who I am very annoyed with, to put in mildly.
And I am also angry with myself.
But I am working to bring back my heart.
But it hurts, and I feel so sad.
I went through hell.
It really was.
I felt so inadequete, so ashamed, so desperately alone.
There's lots I am not saying here. It would take a lot of time to say all I want to say, all that I've been talking about in therapy this past week.
I am lucky now in my current job. My guardian angel must have been looking compassionately down on me when I got the library work. My colleagues are so understanding, they don't judge me. And I like my job, mostly. And I can do my job. I am not failing.
Can you imagine what it is like to stay with a career for 12 years and be failing for all that time?
I worked in a small village primary school for 4 years, and left rather than have to go through a disciplinary procedure.
The head would only give me a reference for supply teaching. I did that in Kent for several years, before I moved to London, and had to work for a supply agency for several years until I'd accumulated enough voluntary work to allow employers to see someone else other than 'teacher' [failed teacher at that.]
I feel so sad that I stayed in hell for so long, and made myself ill with it, really.
Words can only just describe even some of the sense of shame and inadequecy that still lingers in my psyche, and which my therapist and I are working at ... healing.
What would I like by posting this?
To know I am not alone.
Supportive words.
Understanding.
Katie, 12 years is a long time. But it's not so long that it's the be all and end all. The important thing to remember is that you're not there now. And you can start to work on healing yourself, which is the most important thing.
I can relate to what you are saying! When i took on my job i was stressed from the first day to when i finally broke down. I hated it too. I didnt move from it. I did well too on the outside. I was a success i guess. But it was killing me. Worst thing is that i knew it but i was too frightened to admit it or do something about it. So i struggled for 4 years. I too can look back and i realise just how ill i was aswell. It was the first thing i thought of when i woke and the last thing before i slept. I know now i was in a terrible state and i honestly dont know how i lasted so long either.
However, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I have to accept that at the time i thought i was doing what was best for me. It may have not been the right thing but i thought i was doing what was best at the time.
Perhaps you were too? Although you see it now im sure you too were doing what you thought best at the time, regardless of how wrong it now seems!
You know that sometimes the best lessons in life arent knowing what we want but knowing and learning what we DONT want. Unfortunately the path to knowing the latter is usuqally far less enjoyable but probably far more beneficial!
Im glad you like your job!
*big hugs and a monkey i stole today from the park*
Matthew xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I am sorry you've gone through all that. I've spent 10 years fannying around doing all the wrong jobs too. I'm finaly trying to sort myself out.
I'm sure you can do the same thing. I'm glad you're in a better job for you now. I know it's hard but try not to regret too much. Try to stay positive and look to the furture.
Thank you.
Its hard not to feel that I fail at everything I touch. Like reverse Midas touch. I see that I don't. I am doing my best to accept that with all of me.
And, Matthew, yes, I do see how it really helped in lots of ways. The teacher training was a good foundation for self observation and reflective learning. And I certainly wouldn't have traded my 2nd year at uni just doing English. It was wonderful.
I do have some good memories.
And I am working my way through the difficult times, untangling myself from them, my integrity and self-respect.
I think gaining enhanced self-respect is the key.
That is what is lacking, has been lacking all along.
It seems to happen every so often, whenever I reach a core life experience I froze off from emotionally at the time, and start to unfold the feelings I accept anew my depression's existance. Each time I understand more. Its amazing. And also really hard work. But the best work.
my godmother went through a similar thing - spent several years in teaching, then local government, becoming more and more miserable. then she had an epiphany and went into social work and things turned around for her. sometimes you have to get it wrong to realise what is right for you. she would never have thought of going into social work straight away - she had to get there. don't regret that time, just learn from it. if you had never done it you would never have known it wasnt for you. you are not alone at all. very few people fall into the right career right away, and feeling you arent doing well at your job of course compounds depression and feelings of inadequacy. it's a pity but it doesnt make you any less of a person for not finding your calling straight away.
im just starting out on the whole 'picking a career' thing and im terrified.
HUGS
xxxxxx sv
