Triggering (SI/OD) - Why? Need hugs, please. Getting too much *also abuse trig*
Sorry, I haven't been around much recently. I went back to work again a few weeks back and am on a phased return. I had been given something to help me sleep by my GP for a week aswell so actually got some sleep. It's a shame I can't get more of it as sleep is really c**p again.
Well, I feel really stupid as I finally kinda spilled a few of the things going on in my head to my CPN last week. I feel like such a fool. I'm sure he's sat there thinking yeah and well that makes you do what you do. People deal with way more than I do. However, apparently, after telling him just a couple of the things my dad used to do he said that it helps him understand a little as to why I sh as I have suffered a trauma and was emotionally abused. I think that he was overreacting and goodness knows what he would think about my dad if I told him other things but now I feel guilty for betraying my dad further - he always accused me of betraying him and now I am doing so more. Sorry, that prob doesn't make much sense.,
Anyway, I get so frustrated as I'm supposed to be getting some new meds to help with the agitation etc to help reduce my sh but now apparently I have to see the psych again who can't stand me. My CPN forgot to ask about an appt a couple of weeks ago and made a note again last week. I still haven't had a letter through re an appt. I'm hanging on by the skin of my teeth at the moment. Do they care or perhaps it's because they know I'm just a loser who has no reason for what they are doing.
To top it off, my sister was dragged out of her house by her husband and then thrown out of a moving (stolen) car by him - broken arm and breastbone, wrecked foot, messed up face including an eye which is missing 2/3 of eyelid. She is so scared and she has finally called the police. I told her that I was under the mh services to help her feel less weak about the whole situation and persuade her to speak to the police. I feel so scare and angry for her and keep having horrific nightmares about it. I really hope he pays for this. He also assaulted a random guy in the street and is being done for sotlen car and driving without a licence but he needs to pay for what he did to my sister. Feel dead guilty that I had turned a blind eye to their somewhat explosive relationship - apparently the police have been involved many times before. Am I that unapproachable that she couldn't tell me.
Sorry for the long rant just feel so on edge and vulnerable and triggered right now. The world is so s**t and everything hurts.
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 21-09-2008 at 10:14 AM.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
But it's not "just for now" is it? It's hurt for so long and I've tried to ignore it but no longer can.
Feel so mad with myself that I am drunk again. I've been trying really hard recently not to get in this state but if I don't I'll just end up cutting or taking an OD and people really need me right now.
Just a stupid, pathetic, selfish cow.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Also, whilst I am drunk and splurging when I shouldn't, how do I tell my CPN about all the other **** that has occurred to me eg my boyfriend when I was 20 who f**ked with my head. Pathetic. The common factor in all these situations through my life is me. I ask for it, don't I. I'm a failure and useless and pathetic. How much longer do I have to fight this?
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
F**k it, "me, me me". I just need to shred myself to bits. So what that I've made a (fairly) succesful attempt to get back to work. I'm worth nothing. I just need to cut and hurt myself. Maybe drink so much that I poison myself to death, it's fairly easy, so I hear.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
If you can go to work, you're doing so much better than I am. I work from home, it is just so much easier.
*makes sure there is sports drink available for you for your hangover*
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
At work I am this great trainee that no-one seems to have experienced before but inside I am scared to death and just want to give up. Want to cut so much tonight as I've spent all week resolving problems at work that others seem incapable of doing yet at the same time, I don't understand how people relate and I am trying to learn from what I see.
Sorry, I rant again. Such a loser. Just trying to stay safe and away from another section. If it happens again, I won't fight it, but will just give in. I'm such a failure. Some people don't belong in the world and I reckon I am one of them. It sounds drastic to some but taking a logical standpoint, it isn't.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I understand. I've always felt like an odd ball. I can work well enough, but just don't get along well with others. I'm not a team player.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Thank you so much. If you don't hear from me for a while, you know why.
The crisis team have changed their number. Is it because of me? They reckon if I think that, I am paranoid but I'm not, they have joined the rest against me, I'm useless and they are trying to get rid of me - they are plotting against me. Help me before they all take me away. Please!!!!!!!!!1
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
*trying to drink sports drink handed to her by blondie last night*
Don't know what happened. Ended up in A&E and had to see the mh team. They said no signs of mental illness - I tried to tell them that I didn't want to see them and I know I am not ill but needed someone to make sure he wasn't following me and stop him from hurting her again - they said he wasn't there - they think I was making it up. He wasn't there when I left the hospital but he was there earlier - he was telling me he had to stay with me otherwise he would do more terrible things. He can't have been there though, can he? He doesn't even live anywhere near and he doesn't know where I live. I'm so stupid. I swear it felt real though although looking back it can't have been. Was it just the drink. Was I actually just sleeping? I've had these nightmares all week. Maybe it was just another one.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Thanks for the support/hugs and sorry for the drunken posts the other night
I suppose the stupidity of it all has hit today now that I have recovered from a mammoth hangover.
They're going to pass on details re A&E to my CPN, hoping it will be lost by the time he gets back from holiday in a week or so. So embarrassed. It can't have been real and I must have looked so pathetic and hysterical. I really wish I hadn't opened up to him the other week because that combined with my hysteria is just really dumb and pathetic. Maybe I just need to get on with things by myself.
I had been doing so well with the whole not drinking and not cutting badly enough to need A&E. It's all wasted now (bit of irony there) and I'm back to the beginning. I didn't know how else to relieve it all. I just need to accept that I am a loser and my efforts are always just going to be a waste.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Oh by the way, my sister finally spoke to the police yesterday. Something good at last. I really hope she carries on through the process.
