Triggering (Suicide) - Trying to sort out my feelings

[Moonlight Princess]

*rant*

Hi guys! I just wanted to apologise for not being as supportive as I could be recently. I just feel I've gotten stuck in a huge rut lately and there are a lot of things I need to be honest about if I'm going to truly move forward. That's the whole purpose of this post so apologies if it turns out to be long and rantish!

I'm having to start the year again at university this September coming up. For practically the whole of two semesters I have been hiding away in my room ignoring all calls and e-mails even from concerned friends. This has culminated in me feeling rather suicidal. The reason that I have obviously reached such a low point is because I have been turning away all avenues of support. It's pretty clear to me that I could have done a lot more to avoid getting into this situation. I need to try to discover why I could have allowed this to happen. My pattern of firstly working very hard then completely giving up has followed me throughout most of my education at secondary school and is understandably putting a lot of strain on my relationship with my mother who invariably has to pick up the pieces repeatedly.

To my mind right now I can look at this situation in two ways:

It could be that in some way I'm "using" my history of self harm as a handy "out" to excuse the situation I'm in regarding my lack of work. It is true that while I find it embarrassing that academic tutors know my history I also feel relief to know that they will not attribute my failure this year to intrinsic laziness. It seems all too easy sometimes to know that I can do things which I probably shouldn't mention that can lead to people saying "Oh that's the problem" and bending over backwards to help me. I know people who have mental health issues a lot more serious than mine and somehow manage to keep on working through it. Why should I be any different? This could be what's happening in my head if I'm honest with myself on some level.

BUT

I'm also patently aware that I need to get to the truth of this situation if I'm going to get myself better. I've also been feeling things which could mean that there is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed here. Firstly although at times I've had suicidal ideation I don't think I've ever seriously considered suicide. During other times when this cycle has happened I think I'd begun to think of suicide because I felt like I had ruined my life (which is what I seem to equate my education to lol!) Consequently when that situation was resolved and I had been given another chance as it were my depression seemed to be replaced by hope.

This time that hasn't happened and despite gaining some of the most sympathetic reactions I've had I'm still considering suicide as a viable alternative. I honestly can't even see myself going back to university in September. I can't work out if this is just because I know myself and I know these cycles keep happening or if there is something deeper at play.

What I do know is that I'm tired so tired of all this. I don't know why but I find life so terrifying. There could be other reasons I didn't work. I get flashes of thoughts and feelings that might be genuine. Some of these things are worse to contemplate than even the fact that I just might need to grit my teeth and get on with things.

Sometimes I think that I couldn't bear the idea of submittiing work because that would mean working towards my degree which would symbolise a future. Futures to me are inherently scary things because I find life so tiring. The idea of living a long life to me means being able to buffet what feels like constant tides of emotion threatening to sweep me off my feet constantly. Even when I when I am happy and someone asks me how long I think I will live I always have to fight the impulse to say "til I'm 20." I am twenty now. This I find scary because it is nothing to do with me feeling suicidal, it's just always the first thing that pops into my head.

I'm a student at Lincoln University and I'm always struck by the beauty of the campus. Some of the worse times I've had are walking through this campus and feeling like the campus was too beautiful for me to belong there. I honestly felt like a necrosis walking through there. I look at the life I have and in all honesty I find it wonderful. I do not deserve to live it. There is just so much beauty around and I feel like I contaminate it. I do not deserve to do work and be succesful at something I love. This way I can retain failure which is what I deserve.

I don't feel human.

My God that has turned out to be long lol! I'll give you a medal if you manage to read it all. Some of that was hard to write.
Kiran
xx

[guiltyinnocence]

heya,
im sorry things are so rough for you at the moment
the first step forward though is being honest with yourself, and although its often hard, its something you seem to be doing

i can relate to alot of what you have written. this year at uni hasnt been a failure, you've just struggled, and i can understand that. but you have another chance next year and maybe for the rest of this year you could concentrate and getting yourself to a place in your head where you feel you can cope with uni, and life in general really
do you want to go back to uni in september?

i can really relate to your fear of the future. i just take everything a day at a time, dont even contemplate the future. its the same with uni, i dont think about it being a degree or anything, i just think about it a day at a time

what support are you getting at the moment?

you do deserve to live life. i know you probably dont believe me but you are a wonderful person and you do deserve the beauty of the world and you deserve happiness

im only ever a pm away sweetie
*hugs*
xxxx

[nikki1922]

I did read this, and OF course I would love a medal !! hehe

I just wanna to comment that I have read your post, and you are not alone. I feel this way sometimes. I love how you can explain yourself in such detail and wickedness :) when I'd be like idk idk idk... So thats a very big big postive. I a here, even though i am not good at advice i am here !!!! PM me anytime <3

Nicole

[Bleeding Angel]

Firstly you are not alone.

Its good you are aware of your feeling, but the only way to get better is to open up and get help. There is also alot of support in university if you just reach out and grab it. Would you be willing to try and get help?

You need to understand one thing though, you are precious.