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1 hour. Possibly triggering?
Ok, I have a doctors appointment in an hour and to be honest I'm completely freaking out about it, the whole idea of help etc is completely terrifying to me as those of you who know me will know. It's taken me months to get to this stage alone. I know when I get there I would probably try and play everything down etc so I've written it down. It's very similar to a thread I made a month or so ago so I apologise if you saw that too but do you think this is ok?
I don’t remember the last time I didn’t wake up crying or the last time I had a full night’s sleep. I’ve been trying to avoid sleeping because I end up crying myself to sleep praying that something will happen and I won’t wake up & then when I do wake up I start crying again because I have woken up. It’s so draining and it’s such a horrible feeling that I thought if I just stayed awake it would be ok, but the feelings are still there. At least when I am asleep I get a little break from it all for just a little bit. But even if I do sleep it’s not like proper sleep, I wake up mostly once an hour and even if I do sleep past that I don’t feel like I have and I’m just as exhausted. It’s completely draining and I can’t seem to win either way; staying awake is just as hard as going through the things either side of sleeping.
I’ve started missing training a lot now as well, because I can’t bear to drag myself out of my bed in the mornings to go then and by the time the afternoon/night sessions come I’ve got myself in such a state about having to face people that I make myself ill. I have no motivation to go, or to go to classes or do the work I have to do. I don’t care about any of it anymore. Going out anywhere makes me anxious and worried. Whenever someone asks me to go out I make up an excuse that I have something to do/I’m going somewhere else etc just because I can’t hold myself together and I’ve never been good at letting people in & letting people see that I’m not ok. I just don’t ever want to see anyone because I’m in such a mess and I just have no idea how to get myself out of it. I’ve never felt this bad, for such a long period before and I can’t see a way out at all, I don’t see myself getting out of this not with me still living anyway. I spend most of my time thinking about dying, what it would be like, what I’d do, how I’d do it and that scares me because I know I’ve never been this bad before. I don’t recognise the person looking back at me when I look in the mirror, her eyes are empty and desperate, lifeless maybe. But that isn’t me, I’m not that person, I have no idea who she is, where she came from or how to get rid of her.
I have no idea when the last time was that I felt properly happy, no fake smiles, but genuinely happy. I really don’t think I can get out of this this time.
Thanks for any help etc
Kirsty x
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