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i cant stand it..very long but i need HELP
So basically ive asked my mom straight up for help and SHE told me i dont need it, but then why would i be asking? i dont want to call because i wont talk to anybody about it. i keep it all in angry moments how i feel whats going on in my life. im so good at pretending my friends call me "the happiest person they know" but i fake it..im so good because ive been doing it for so long i dont know how to truly be happy anymore. i lie down on my bed and stare at my ceiling for hours and i think how did it come to this?
my story is basically when i was younger i was all smiles always. as a little kid you got me mad all my family said i would shrug and walk away or just it was pretty impossible to get me mad. i was smart straight a student, played rep soccer had all my friends, loved my family every morning sit down with my mom before school as she drank her coffee and she would tell me stories how her and my dad fell in love, what it was like when i was born the day weather etc, just random talks. my mom was in the hospital for 4 months when i was in grade 2 and flatlined for a min and 30 seconds or so, so i always stuck close to her she would tell me i was her favourite i knew she said it to me my sis and my brother but i still loved to her it. my dad always worked hard because my mom was unable to work after the surgery so after a while she stopped playing horsey with us or with our dolls, came home had a beer relaxed and i loved my dad i was so proud of him that he worked hard so we could havewhat we had.
but in grade 6 summer going to grade 7 i was picked up from soccer came home to find about 400 papers stacked of a conversation online between my dad and another woman that he cheated on my mom with saying i dont love my wife i hate this family i wish i never had kids they suck the life out of you eorst decision ive ever made saying how he loved her and was going to leave us for her (2 weeks previous he packed his stuff and left for a day then came that night) and just things i dont want to recall.
this is when i changed i became depressed, everybody did. a house of 5 all angry depressed people i could barely recognize them anymore. ive NEVER seen my parents act that way and that scared the **** out of me because ive never seen them so angry and the fact when we were finally going to bed he had the nerve to smile as he set up a bed on the couch downstairs and he wouldnt even leave the house for the night. everyday for about a year or more i guess was like constant fighting and bickering some how all their problems were because me my sis and my brother that we were the ones doing wrong stuff i still dont understand. the talks in the morning that i used to have with my mom just became her venting out her anger and i understood she needed to get it out and i listened but then she told me how she rejected to marry my dad 7 times then one night he said he wanted to talk came to her apartment and raped her and she told him dont ever talk to me again until she found out she was pragnent with me so she married him. so told me it was my fault i ****ed up her life if i didnt exist things would be different. she began to hate me and resent me we never had our morning talks if we even spoke it was about her complaining about me but i was still so good i didnt say anything bad back i just cried and thought eventually it will go back to how it used to be but it didnt my dad i never spent time with only at soccer when he drove me and everytime he would complain that hes missing work or leaving early to drive me that i never appreciated **** i was a spoiled little bitch so i began to hate soccer. in grade 7 my highest mark was like a 67% i never gotten a 60 in my life before that not to mention as my highest mark after that i went lower and lower im in grade 11 i failed my first class ever i havent gotten a 80% ever since grade 6
so basically it spiraled down after that incident
-i couldnt talk to either of my parents
-it completely fcuked me up because i was pretty much told all lies most my life until suddenly one day it was a bunch of ****ed **** that made our family not the fairytale i was told
-i wanted to be a doctor ever since my mom went to the hospital and i was planning to but i never will now that breaks my heart
-i cant stand my dad i hate him because its his fault, we recently moved because we were unable to afford our house because he missed so much work to go to his whore and he was the only working one
-my first job was gr8 babysitting i gave every penny to my family to help pay with bills so i had a lot of pressure on me
-when we moved my brother moved out. hes actually my half brother from my moms previous marriage hes 10 years older so he was about 25 and when they fought hed always say lets go watch a movie or get ice cream just anything to get out of the house. i saw him as a father figure. when he left i felt so abandonned and envious that i couldnt leave and why did he leave me behind i still needed him
-my dad loves off my sister hell do anything after soccer always bought her food gave money for clothes drove her everywhere while i nothing from him but i didnt suck up to him and after about gr9 i wasnt scared of him anymore. hes a big strong man and when he yells you dont wanto be there but i couldnt stand being wrong for everything.
-grade 9 i started skipping drinking at anytime i could drug problems sneaking out smoking cutting..anything to feel better
i jsut hate my life theres so much wrong ive tried to kill myself once that my mom knows of i woke up in the emergeny room just thinking why am i here i dont want to be. i should have been dead i really dont know why im not, that was earlier in october 08. that was the first time i really felt like my mom cared she cried for me which i thought i was imagining she said she would get me the help that i needed that i asked for and she was sorry she didnt take me seriously. a week or so later i ask if we could call someone for help she said **** you what if someone i knew saw us there? what are you doing youre useless you might as well have died
i still love her though and i dont blame her shess had a tough life i know im not the best im always angry i scream at everybody i get iritated in an instant im no longer patient im not good at anything i do anymore. i am useless i feel so bad for her that im like this i wish i was better i want to make her love me again i know she will if im smarter but i just cant do it im trying doing my homework going for extra help whenever offered EVERYTHING and i cant do it. i go a 50 in chem justbeause i tried so hard she passed me because i attempted
everything is so angering when we get in fights how my parents laugh with the TV 5 mins later but ill be depressed the rest of the night i dont understand
i dont have friends i really dont whenever i talk to people they talk over me or just kinda tone me out and pretend im not there. i have people i talk to at school but only at school. i dont have a person to call if i have problems or talk to anybody. i talk to guys on msn because they think im pretty and they "like me"
i cant be in a relationship either i cant stand people for too long i love solitude..just not all the time
life seems so pointless when youre a failure at everything. im an idiot ill grow up to be a bum on the street with no education, i cant play sports anymore im horrible at them now, i have no friends or nobody that actually cares nothing
its helpless
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