Triggering (SI) - WHY??!!!!!!!

dragonfly · 14-02-2009, 01:10 PM

I'm feeling so completely lost.

I have had a housefull but yet i feel all alone. My head keeps spinning, i don't know what to do.

My freaking leg is throbbing from the cuts, my head is aching from lack of food.

I just want to be able to go outside and find my tree to sit under, is that really to much to ask.

All these people around me are making me worse. I get so paniced when around people, i just want to be on my own for a while.
Just to have my fella here so i can have a cuddle when i need one and they go back to my isolated place of comfort.

I feel so messed up, i just want to hurt myself.

I keep on getting urges to cut my face, i haven't done that one in so long but the pain from it is so much more soothing that anything eles i have ever felt. To feel the blade right against my bone, to run my finger across it and be able to look in the mirror and finally have a reason to not like my reflection.

So f**ked up, so f**king stupid.
Why do i hate myself so much, why can't i find the answer to make me better, why don't they see how much help i really need.

sherlock holmes · 14-02-2009, 03:12 PM

I get urges to cut my face sometimes. I think it's because it would be so visual, everyone would see I'm not okay.

Do you have a doctor or therapist you can talk to? Let them know you're struggling, so you dont have to cut yourself.

dragonfly · 14-02-2009, 05:23 PM

Well i haven't had urges to cut my face in so long, since i was about 16 i think was the last time i did it and the it never bothered me that people could see them as they were tiny scratches that looked asthough i had caught my face with my nails in my sleep or something.

I am seeing the local CPN for therapy on thursday so i may bring this up. She asked me to do a diary thing when i saw her on tuesday concentrating on one thing but i haven't even started it yet, the closest thing i have is the journal on here which i might print off to take with me.

I don't really know what i'm going to do.
I'll prob just turn up and sit there answering her stupid questions as she describes me as a seive again

inblack · 15-02-2009, 06:07 PM

*hugs*

Its good you're seeing your psych soon. The more you open up the more helpful they can be. I saw a psych at 16 and it was completely useless...I didn't know how to open up. She also sucked. I've just kind of started to see someone new now at 22, but I've learned to open up so much more and I feel like theres a lot more potential for me this time. It helps that he doesn't suck. Have you been seeing your psych long? If not, hopefully over time she will become more helpful.

dragonfly · 15-02-2009, 06:57 PM

On thursday will be the first proper thing with her.

like you i went when i was about 15/16 and they were useless, she made me sucidal so i stopped seeing her and then i started seeing the school one and a youth one who were amazing. Unfortunately school ended and the youth one i had to stop seeing when i got to a more grown up age.

last yeah i tried getting a new one but the doctor i saw was crap and he put the referal through but i couldn't make it so he said he'd put another one through but never did so that brings us to now.

22 and cracking up again.

Due to having so much trouble with them in the past it's not easy to see the more professional ones as a helpful tool for me so i get there for the first inteview last week and my guard just went up, i thought i'm not going to tell her to much as then she can use it against me like the other ones did.

I planning on writting alot of things down but it's just getting round to it aswell.