im such an evil bastard

-Stewie- · 27-02-2009, 11:28 PM

i really need your help here, because you're the only ones who can understand/relate even though its something totally unacceptable.

i got into a row with bf last night. i kept calling him and he wouldnt answer. i got more and more frustrated so i texted him basically saying if he didnt answer id do something stupid. he called me right away and we talked and eventually everything was ok but he said what i did was emotional blackmail and he doesnt know if he can forgive it. he only dropped it cos i got so upset at the realisation of what id done.

i havent done anything like that since i was like 18. im now 22. when i say anything i mean used my issues to manipulate people- not that i havent done stuff since then. it used to happen when i felt out of control and hurt and frustrated and really worked up and paniced.

and i guess same goes for why i did it last night. but im not exactly the hardest person to get into a panic and ive not done it before now =/ i cant explain it- its like it wasnt even me. the person i was back then is like another me thats still inside and who im good at keeping under control most of the time.

obviously i told him this last night when talking.

i dont know what to do. how to prevent it happening again, how to show him how disgusted i am. i feel like just ending it because he doesnt deserve someone like me. i mean look right here- i did that and all he cared about in the end was me not upsetting myself over it, totally disregarding his own feelings.

he doesnt deserve this =/

wildly insane · 28-02-2009, 01:54 AM

If you've said sorry and he's forgiven you even just a little bit then you also have to forgive yourself. Can you tell yourself that you will try your best to not do it again. give yourself a chance, we all do things we know we shouldn't but in the end it's realising this and moving onwards and upwards from it that makes us better people. Don't underestimate yourself, you have the strength to fight this and you have a very understanding boyfriend who obviously cares about you and believe me he wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be so give both him and you a chance. Don't give up, hugs, Hannah

Mosnickers · 28-02-2009, 04:14 AM

*HUG* your not evil. I know that you may not believe that. I know that it may sound stupid coming from someone you don't even know, but your not. We're all not. We just deal with things differently than other people.

I hope everything works out. I really do. :]

blondiebear · 28-02-2009, 05:01 AM

Think about if you were acting and reacting in fear? Then think it through that way? Fear motivates a lot of what I do, especially when I am manipulative.
*hugs* Susan

Geranium · 02-03-2009, 08:23 PM

I know where you are coming from with getting worked up like this after a row as I can be a bit like that + when you get so desperate it seems like there is no choice.

I think it's important that you realise that this behaviour is unacceptable and unfair on others - which you obviously do. It's also important that you realise YOU are not bad - it's just this way of reacting that you need to change - and you are obviously making progress over the years with that.

Hope things work out for you - he clearly does care a lot for you.