Preoccupied with being alone...

-Asphyxia- · 07-02-2009, 04:50 AM

Sorry for another "woe-is-me" thread, but this has really been bothering me lately. (Warning - a bit long.)

I'm 23 (24 in April) and single. I know that's not a big deal, but I've never been in a serious relationship, and I just wish I had someone in my life that I felt safe with and could share things with. I feel like everyone else can find that but me...A lot of people I know are getting married too, and that makes me feel a lot worse. I'm that girl in the movie known as the "single friend."

I know part of it is my fault - I tend to withdraw and be avoidant and I don't "put myself out there" very easily. I find it extremely difficult to open up and trust people, and I think I tend to push people away/self-sabotage because I'm afraid of what could happen...I get scared that people won't like what they see if I let them in...It's like I tell myself I don't deserve something (or someone) good, so I screw it up on purpose. (In more of a withdrawing type of way as opposed to dramatic.)

I mean, I know I have issues...but doesn't everyone? I just wish I could find someone patient enough to put up with this shell/armor I've built up around me...

I'm not sure what I'm looking for in responses here...Maybe just some support or a bit of advice as to how I can change?

Sorry for the length, and thanks in advance.

Stellata · 07-02-2009, 08:36 AM

I can empathise.
And I'm approaching 39!

Take things slowly and gradually. There are reasons for your avoidance and fears, and challenging these kindly and gently can be the best way forward.

englishrose · 07-02-2009, 07:55 PM

Hun im in the same place im 20 but never been in a relationship i push everyone way because of my past yet i still want someone lol just have to believe that there is that someone out there luv jad

CaiteeBug · 08-02-2009, 02:23 AM

Hey!!! *hugs*

charliotta · 08-02-2009, 07:18 PM

i feel lonely too. all my friends graduated from uni, are engaged and getting married, having babies, getting great jobs. And there's me. 26 this year, living in social housing by myself - and scared of it. Also with an incurable and complex illness already. I've just had to prioritise. I can't see me ever being in a stable relationship so I'll always be the single woman. All I can do is try and devote myself to trying to concentrate on studying and getting an enjoyable career. It's better than nothing. And every time you think you have no friends you can count on people here.

UbermoronicismAgain · 10-02-2009, 07:26 PM

I used to be everything exactly as you've just described.
Until I met my Husband. He helped me work through some things but most of it came from me. I was closed off from him for a good few months when I first met him. I had my walls up for years and I thought I would always be single.
I hated attention, I didn't want to talk to any of my friend who weren't single and I was sure I would be crazy cat lady with too many pets and a brown sofa.

I was so wrong. Having someone who cared helped me let my guard down.
In time I grew to love me (pardon the cliche) while I was falling in love with him. I couldn't do that alone, I was scared and paranoid and my self-image was seriouisly twisted. Things have changed, although I still look at myself and don't necessarily like what I see, I have more good days than bad andit feels like a miracle.

As for you, I think the suggestion of trying calmly and slowly (slow is imperetive) to work through the issues you have might be the best way forward. You need to focus on you and learning your own mind before you think of being in a relationship. I had already made steps towards getting well before I met him, he simply sped things up for me.

I hope this is some sort of inspiration rather than sounding all me me me.
It isn't intended to sound self indulgent.

I hope you can begin to see your own true worth and realise that if and when you're ready then the right person will help you through the things you need help with. The right person is also a cliche but it's true.

Look after yourself,
Iz x

-Asphyxia- · 10-02-2009, 11:23 PM

I don't think your response is self-indulgent or has cliche elements...I think your story is sweet, and I am happy you found your husband.

I don't think I've ever "dated" anyone who actually cared about me...If they did, I never knew it/they never made it known. I don't know what it's like to have someone care unconditionally for you, but I know what it's like to be the one who's doing the caring and not getting anything back.

(Or so I feel.)

I feel like I spend a lot of time (too much, probably), in my head...I feel like I know myself...but maybe not in relation to others?

I know the "right person" will probably come around eventually, but it's just discouraging when everyone you like doesn't like you back, does, but is a jerk/unavailable, or they start off liking you, then you f*ck it up...

I know I shouldn't place such importance on this, but I'm just sick of being lonely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by UbermoronicismAgain

As for you, I think the suggestion of trying calmly and slowly (slow is imperetive) to work through the issues you have might be the best way forward. You need to focus on you and learning your own mind before you think of being in a relationship. I had already made steps towards getting well before I met him, he simply sped things up for me.

I hope this is some sort of inspiration rather than sounding all me me me.
It isn't intended to sound self indulgent.

I hope you can begin to see your own true worth and realise that if and when you're ready then the right person will help you through the things you need help with. The right person is also a cliche but it's true.

Look after yourself,
Iz x