Triggering (SI/OD) - I. Can't. Do It. *Trig ED, SI, OD*
Where did I go wrong? Is it always me that's wrong? Is it my fault? Do I always have to pretend taht I'm ok, to make everyone else happy? Do I always have to give in? Will I always feel this weak?
I hate this. I really do.. And all I can think about is OD'ing, SI'ing, Starving, SI'ing, OD'ing.. It's all going through my head and all I can see, feel, hear is a blur and I keep just drifting out of the place I'm in and I'm scared something's gonna happen..
What do I do? I can't do this anymore :(
And no-one seems to care anymore.. No-one seems bothered about where I am, what I do, where I go.. Whether I'm even here or not. *sob* I feel like veerything I do is wrong and I just want to give up :(
Please help me... Somebody tell me it's ok and mean it..?
I'm hurting! Can't you see..?
Last edited by BrightStarShining : 04-02-2009 at 07:08 PM.
Reason: Added
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
You've been making real progress Kirsten, amazing progress over the past few weeks. You've not self harmed for ages and you're still going strong. You're getting stronger by the day, it's just that emotions are brimming to boil atm and things are changing from the usual routine, for GOOD not bad. You just aren't used to it, neither am I, but I know things are getting better. Kirsten, I love you with all my heart and hate how I've hurt you. We are on the mend, and it's because of your strength that's caused this change in routine. Baby, you mean the world to me and I know I haven't shown it as much as you have needed in the past but I am here for you now. You are my top priority because you deserve to be.
I don't feel like I deserve to be anyone's priority, or feel taht important in anyone's lives. That's because I have always been told I'm wrong, always. I've never done anything right according to those I thought loved me.. Including you. I hate saying taht, but it's oh so true and I can't help but feel that way.
All I ask is that for once I can take some time out for me, to help me, yes you want to be helped, but Connor, I can't do that for you anymore.. I've helped you by calling this break and.. And you are the one that needs to put the work in to help yourself, just like I did all those times you called a break.
I knwo it's not easy, I've been there, done taht and got the scars to prove it, but you'll get there..
Today's not been great at all for me, I've almost cried in college already.. I'm seriously going to lose it at some point. If I didn't have people supporting me, I would have lost it by now and I'm gettign way too close to that overdose.. I have money, the tool to be able to do it and it's all very tempting, but I know that it'll just f*ck things up even more, but then again I just think.. At least they'll be rid of me, the thing making everyone's lives a misery.
I still haven't given up, but I feel like I should just give up now because I see no way in hell of being able to move on from my past.. Not with the way things are at the moment :(
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
I can understand all the internal feelings I'm having at the moment is what you've been trying to deal with for years... I can understand why you find it so hard to push on... I mean christ, I'm giving up after 2 days.. I feel as though there's no hope. But you've pushed and pushed, even through all the shitty times and the time's you've thought there was no hope, you've still be there pushing forward, because you are relentless, you are such a strong person. I am sorry for bringing you down when all you've been trying to do is move forwards.. Push through the pain. I've met the pain and I'm stopping dead in my tracks.. You've been pushing that pain for years.. you are so much stronger that I am. DO NOT give up now my love, you deserve the gold at the end of the tunnel, you deserve the prize of getting through it all, because all you've done is push.
but. Ivfeel liek i cants' even od it anyorme. :( it hustr toy mcuh.
I'm sginving up becausje i felke like thetrse no hope elsft of r mee.
I feel liek nothini5gs oigng to geta beterte unleess \i rid sjthe owrld, the poepln in ym lkife, of me. Teh thing tahgts makign thinnsg harrder for hhtem.
wy do i ke[e[ gteting hurt if i deerfeve to be hapyp and to getn throhugh al lthis? wh7y?
Allie, I'll never forget you..
Love You Always.
You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the things which you think you cannot do.
