Triggering (Suicide) - Not in a good place right now
I hate my goddamn life. I want it to end. Last night I was making my own dinner and my wife came in and started shouting at me for not making the exact same thing that she wants. It sounds ****ing stupid but we eat totally different things and she started saying it's time for you to eat what I eat so we will have less washing up. I said to her get ****ed. I sat down and started eating my dinner and she started yelling again. I said you're just like your mother and sister, a ****ing dictator that tells everyone what they can and can't do. For example my niece (wife's sisters daughter) loves seafood but her mother won't let her have any because she doesn't like it (because she is a selfish fat ****ing ho). I got so mad that I lobbed the plate, food and glass of water, smashing them on the floor a few feet from where my wife was. I told her to "go and get ****ed your a ****ing lousy wife. Just because your older than me doesn't give you the right to boss me around. Go **** yourself". I stormed out, drive the car down the street flat out and left. I stopped at a park outside of town about 10 minutes away. She called me on my phone which was in my pocket and I kept rejecting the calls. I felt so miserable. I had nowhere to go. I wanted to die. I had no one to turn to. I remembered the rope hidden near where the spare tyre is. My wife called again this time it came up "unknown caller". I answered and told her what I was planning to do because I couldn't take the way she treats me sometimes. Then she told me to at least bring the car home for her. That's when I totally flipped out. Started yelling "you ****ing selfish ****, you don't care that I want to die, you only care about the goddamn car. **** you" and then hung up. She rang back later. She was crying this time and told me that she was sorry and wanted me to come home. I eventually did, late last night. I went to sleep pretty much straight away with the aid of anti anxiety meds. I have hardly said a word to her yet and it's nearly 10am. I feel there is still a lot of tension in the air. But I am so sick of being treated like this. I am a ****ing adult, mental illness or no mental illness. Carer or not a carer my wife has no right to order me around like an 8 year old.
I do love her. Normally she does a great job taking care of me and she isn't like this 99% of the time but I hate the influence her family has on her. I was hoping her mother would have died by now because she is a ****ing selfish bitch and I hate her. She hasn't though but my wife's dad has cancer and won't be around much longer. He is nice, although my mother in law treats him like garbage but I think it will be a blessing in desguise when he does go because she will be thrown into a nursing home where she belongs. I hate my god damn bitch sister in law too. She is so damn bossy to everyone, even guests at her house. And she is nearly 35 and doesn't even have a drivers license. She is so ****ing lazy. I don't mean that all people without a license are lazy but my sister in law expects everyone to run around after her because she can't drive. My Nan is 73 yo and never had a license but she will walk 5 kilometres to go to the shops. I have no doubt that the influence from my wife's older sister and mother are the reasons behind the way she treats me at times.
What the hell am I to do? Am I wrong for feeling all this hatred? I took my marriage vowes seriously unlike most people and I don't believe in divorce. And I have nowhere to go. No money, no job, only a little bit of money from my pension which won't go far. The way I see it is that it's either be on the streets or be dead. In that case I choose death any day.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
Its awful when you row, in the heat of the moment you say a lot of things you dont really mean.
The trouble is you really do love your wife BUT you didnt marry her family. They just came as a bonus. Im just sorry you dont get on with some of them.
My Hubby is my carer and sometimes he can come over like my Dad. I suppose they have to cope with us wanting to die. Us wanting to leave them behind. I suppose they are scared as much as us. Sometimes when we are bad they need to act like a parent. To get us to take meds, to make appts etc.
I think its not hate but frustration. Frustration for feeling the way you feel.
Please keep talking and posting. Let it all out honey, I am here to listen
If you want to PM me feel free
Let me support you this time
i'm so sorry this is such a bad time for you.
just a couple of thoughts, just ignore them if i'm totally off the mark.
does your wife want to act/treat you the way she does that 1% of the time? because what you grow up around is very hard not to repeat. with my growing up, my mom did everything, my dad was hardly ever there and did nothing at all when he was. in my relationships i acted like my mom, did everything let my now ex's do nothing, just lounge around. i also let myself be walked all over by them. i'm now with someone new, and disagrees with the way i used to be, he now has to remind me when i start acting like a slave. maybe just talk to her, and see if she just needs reminding every once in a while.
i know with my cousin, and her kids, once in a while, she just needs someone to say to her to relax, and let up on them. as she starts repeating how she was brought up, despite not wanting to repeat it.
sorry i just kind of gave examples of one idea.
if they're totally wrong and horrible just ignore them.
i hope that things get better for you, i totally respect your commitment to your marraige, you dont hear that very often these days.
keep letting it out, i agree with tears of solitude thats its probably just fustration not hate.
awful in laws, i cant imagine, must be so hard. sorry that they are all so nasty.
xxx
Im so sorry things are so difficult for you right now.
I just wanted you to know that I read and I do understand.
Theres somuch I want to say but mky head is muddled right now.
All I can say is my perspective on things here in my home as my husband is my carer. I get angry with him for what I see is him interfering with my life and he gets frustrated with me for not getting better and for not listening to him and sometimes we both get extreme moodswings because of this and verbally lash out at each other. Could this be the situation with you?
sounds like a **** of a day im sorry she treated you like and can understand that most of the time is fine but the 1% no matter how small is in the way and has come to this where you feel like ****, you should not feel like that and know one should make you feel like that! Have you spoken since? about what happened? or are things still left unsaid?
my parents fight all the time and they now just cohabbit together its not a partnership or even a retationship its coz there stuck and there is so much space with the unsaid words that its filling the room and pissing us all off!
Can you tell your wife how you feel? and that maybe she needs to understand that not everything can be done her way you love her and im sure she will understand im not say it will reslove it but it might help
i understand and its crap and if you need anything i know im not there but wanted to know your not alone i feel like that alot and i dont know where to turn so that is why s.h rules me
but pm me anything i hope things are better keep posting take care
midnight xxxx
There is no chance, no destiny no fate that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul
