Triggering (Abuse) - I lost control and hurt my mother.

[Target Dawn]

I was stressed about not being able to get something to work and these evil thoughts started again in my mind and I couldn't get rid of them. I tried smashing objects with an axe but when I saw my mother in her bedroom later on I walked in and shoved her to the floor. All the other times when I've had violent thoughts I've been able to stop myself from acting on them and now I'm worried about others safety because I'm having really evil thoughts and I can't control them. I shut myself in my room but I can't stay here forever. I want to get rid of my knifes because I don't trust myself with them, but I can't tell anyone else at home about my thoughts because I can't trust them with the information. I'm worried that I'm going to hurt someone who isn't family and then go to prison but that's not what I want to do, it's what the thoughts want to do!

I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday but I don't want to tell her this because she might make me move out of the house. I have no where else to go. I'm ashamed of what I did, I hate violence and I feel like I'm being taken over by thoughts that aren't even supposed to be here. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to explain to my mother about why I shoved her.
I'm an evil person and I deserve to be punished.

[Breeze]

I think you need to tell your Dr. It is really important that you do tell them. It doesn't mean you have to move out. But they can with you to help you control the thoughts and things going on in your mind.
How about printing out your post and showing the Dr? Easier than saying it maybe.

Have you spoken to your Mother since?

[bleeding black]

You aren't evil.
We think you should tell your psych.
Maybe they might be able to help.
Are you on medication that helps anxiety?
We hope you are ok.... We're thinking of you

[Target Dawn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelpie

I think you need to tell your Dr. It is really important that you do tell them. It doesn't mean you have to move out. But they can with you to help you control the thoughts and things going on in your mind.
How about printing out your post and showing the Dr? Easier than saying it maybe.

Have you spoken to your Mother since?

Yeah, printing out my post is a good idea because yes it is easier than saying it. I'll do that although I'm worried that the doctor will want to keep it. It might get into the wrong hands. If she doesn't give it back then I don't know how I'll stop her from showing it in meetings, to other collegues etc.

I've spoken to my mother but it wasn't about what happened. She just tried to talk to me like nothing had happened and asked me what I wanted for dinner, it was confusing. Tomorrow I will say sorry because she's sleeping now. To be honest I think she is scared of me and I hate it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bleeding black

You aren't evil.
We think you should tell your psych.
Maybe they might be able to help.
Are you on medication that helps anxiety?
We hope you are ok.... We're thinking of you

No I'm not taking any medication for anything. Last time I saw my psych I said no because I wanted to live without it. I still want to live without it but after today I don't know. If there are other ways to stop all this happening I'll try them but I don't trust pills.
I'm a hypocrite because I suggest medication to others, I admit it!

Just so everyone knows, I'm not a violent person. If I could go back in time and take it back I would.

[sherlock holmes]

It's very important you tell your psych. I know you didnt mean to hurt your mum, and you dont want to do it again, and the best way to make sure of that is by telling your psych and talking through with her how you can control the thoughts.

[judey]

try not to feel ashamed, you aren't choosing to have them - its an illness and its not your fault. you aren't evil at all, you are a good person who is just struggling with something really horrible at the moment that isn't your fault. i really hope your doctor can help you get back some control. thinking of you xx

[Popple]

You arent evil.
This isn't your fault but you do need to tell your psych.
It might not mean moving out but you have to be honest and let them help you.
Take care of yourself sweetie
xx

[Target Dawn]

Thanks for the replies.
I know that I have to be honest for my sake and everyone elses but it's just hard because I don't know what to expect. My psych could simply say..."Hmm, I see"...or she could get me removed from the house. I don't want to say that I'm somewhat of a danger to others but yes I know, I have to tell her everything. I know there's no point in lieing because then something like this might happen again.
I can't help feeling shameful and guilty but I suppose that's a good thing because it means I'm not a sociopath!
Anyway thanks for all the support. I'll update this thread after the appointment on Tuesday about what happened (If I get to come home, that is!).