I don't know what to do any more.

[Heather]

Tommorrow would have been my mom and dad's 20th aneversery and my mom is in her room drunk out of her mind sleeping because she doesn't want to wake up another day because I killed my dad in her eyes by arguing with him. I just can't get through another day of struggling to stop cutting, take care of my mom, and school at the same time. I am cutting deeper again and it really is kind of getting out of my control now. If it isn't as deep as I want it... well I just make it deeper. It is like if it is all my fault in her eyes, my now exboyfriend just dumps me, and I just never have anything good happen to me.. why live? I am sick of getting hit and getting spit in the face when I try to help her and getting used like done damn whore. I want to stop hurting my body and prove to my family that I am not another screw up in this word. I want to be able to actually trust and open up to my counceler without fearing shell tell my family and just send me to some damn psych ward again. I just feel like I am about to just throw my hands up and say **** it. I just want to just take that blade and use it for the last time.


I am tired of having to live this damn life that I never wouldve choose.

I don't know what to do or what to say or anything.


Help me. Any advice at all? I am pretty desperate at this point.

[one lie at a time]

First, what happened to your father was not your fault. You didn't specify if you agree with your mother on this or not, but I hope you know it isn't.

Stopping cutting is something you have to do for yourself. Not for anyone else. Not to prove anything to anyone. But something for you. To be healthy and safe. And maybe there isn't anything you can do to help your mom. I don't really think it's your responsibility. I can understand why you want to help her, but maybe you should focus more on you. Maybe seeing you get better will help her.

Have you talked to your counselor about your trust issues? Maybe ask her what exactly she can and can't tell people. Talk to her about it, and try to build the trust back up.

I hope tomorrow goes alright for you. Hopefully better than alright.
xxxxxx

[Heather]

In a way I do believe it is my fault but I know it isn't. I feel guilty that I spent my last few moments with him before he went into a coma arguing with him and watching him get sick before my eyes. I feel guilty that all 3 years that he was sick I argued and made his life hell, when I could have made it easier for him by not. I remember watching my dad die everyday of those ywars slowly and then watching him come from the hospital. He went from happy to getting sick to his stomach during the arguement. I remember getting sat on my moms bed while she had a damn bottle in her hand, while she and my grandpa told me dad was suck because of me. I also remember taking a knife and cutting all over my body because I believed it was true.

I don't know what to believe anymore... And I know I wouldn't be able to loose my mom too. I know she is an alcoholic and that is out of my control... I saw my dad die of cirhosis but he didn't drink... I can't go through that again... It would kill me and my family. I feel like everything is out if control and I am as well.

I can't tell my counceler anything because I tried that and she told my mom which caused her to get worse. She knows that I have had trust issues all if my life.

I want help and I DO want to stop. It isn't just for my family but for everyone including me. I just CANT stop. I know if I don't soon than I probably will die from it soon enough. I want help but u can't get it because it is like everywhere I go they turn me away because in their eyes I am just a winny 16 year old who wants attention. I dont want to have to look like a damn Eskimo in the summer because I can't wears shoes or short sleeves. I don't want to have to keep cutting myself and scaring away everyone I once loved.


I want help but I can't get it. I am not quite sure if I believe that it wasn't my fault and I wish I could help my mom.

[*paige*]

ok dear wow ...i can relate to so much of that ...um first of all im paige and im so ever so pleased to meet you ..but ok from my exsperience ...drunks are very vaery selfish peole who hurt other peopl for no reason and dont rememebr a thing ..they make up even lamer exscuses than we to to cut to drink...clearly you want to be healthy often with alchaholics they dont think about the feeling of other ....they are ablivious to the facts and hunni ..pleas know thats it not your fault in the least bit whats happeneing to your father b/c you need to know she is just putter her balme on you she cant live up to the fact that feed off of each others ..disease..i also lost my mother over this last christmas holiday ..and my father been gone for years i know how you must feel ...or at least sumwhat ...your problems are very important to us dont give up b/c this is not what you want to do ..as far as the self harm goes ..im happy you dont dronwd yourself in alchahol ...what we do is way safer than getting all tanked up and then saying some mean ass comment to your family ..i can see your good ness... if i was there to help you and i seen you get spit in the face i would kick the **** out of that drunk disrespectful asshole that is noway to trteat a good woman you will be ok ....please i would love to know more about you ...compassion will be your greatest weapon ..pls pm me herer or on msn ..as i would love to speak with you ....i may be able to help oh and one more thing ..pls you dont have to go so deep ...pls be nice to yourself b/c your not the one to blame their addiction hurts everyone but them

oxoxoxoxoxo
paige

[OhSoAvalanche]

you cannot fix your family. trus tme. ive tried to fix mine. some people are just dysfunctional and their love is dysfunctional. i learned from my grandmother that if someone is broken inside its not they dont love. its just they dont know how. and so they hurt you. you cant fix it. you can just grow above it. if you keep trying to fix them you'll get worse. trust me. take care of YOU before anyone else. no matter how hard it seems

[one lie at a time]

It really wasn't your fault. And you didn't know what was going to happen. My father is a sober alcoholic. There's nothing you can really do to help your mom, besides support her when you can. She has to help herself.

Would it be possible for you to get a new counselor? Maybe you can find one you trust. And I believe you can stop SIing. I believe in you. It won't be easy by any means, but I believe you can do it. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will get easier.

[Heather]

I believe though the things in my life that contribute the most to my cutting is my mom and my family. I know I can't help her but I can't just sit back and watch her kill herself. One I would have to go through all the crap I did loosing my dad and two if I loose her I would pretty much be homeless. I don't have anyone out there I can go to to live and talk to. Everyone I have ever known has grown to dislike me when they figured out about my cutting. I can't just sit back and let her kill herself.

I can't go to another counceler because I would have to specify why to my family... who don't consider me really as part of the family now that my dad is gone. They got me counceling merely because they really had no choice. Also since they really don't see the severity of the situation they wouldn't understand and right me off as an attention seeking teen. I have searched all ways that I have heard of for help but non are ever annonomous enough that wouldn't cause things to get worse. I am 16 so I have to tell my counceler what little I can.

All the times that I have stopped cutting it was for a short amount if time. Something always happens like my boyfriend leaving me or my mom wrecking the car while drunk that causes me to step one step backward more than I was to begain with.

Sometimes I just wish I was 18 so I could get away and get help... But I can't.

Though today she isn't as drunk as she normally is but she is at a bar as I type. I know shell be horriable tonight but I am hopeing she won't. I haven't cut yet, I hope I won't, but the erge is in the back of my mind. I just wish there was some way I could fast forward the time to let myself know thing will be alright.