Mildly Triggering (ED) - past and present- scared

xxlittlepixiexx · 07-12-2008, 10:45 AM

i havent been on here in ages... well i have - i have looked but not dared to write... last time i was on her i was at my lowest (weight wise) and i was going into treatment... well im there still in treatment, since july!!! gr....
things have got so f**king hard!! its not my first time in treatment so i thought "ah... i'll be ok i know what to expect" but its different this time... they've made me get to a "proper weight" this is the highest i have EVER IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE been!!! and its bloody scary and i dont like it!
my mind is the same but my body isnt... its FAT!! disgusting!!! i am repulsed by my body!!! every moment i want to tear my body apart!!! rip it apart until all the fat has gone!!
i am at home this weekend and my mind is so torn!!!

i am currently looking for a place to live but it wont happen until the new year... the temptation to lose is so strong!! i dont know what i am goin to do! i hate myself... how am i meant to live with what i am if i hate it so much?

sorry i just needed to rant a lil

hope everyone is ok as can be!!
dont know if anyone remembers me but loves ya xxx

Elysium. · 07-12-2008, 01:42 PM

Hey, i think i remember you. Your screen name rings a bell anyhow. Glad you see your okay

. Well done on posting by the way. I know it can be scary when you havn't posted in a while.

Hunny, please try to remember change IS scary. When it comes to someone putting on HEALTHY lbs that sufferes with an eating disorder, it is going to be hard to accept for a while the way you look. Knowing that your weight isn't what is was before. But you have to try to see past that. You are worth soooo much more than your weight. You have to try to poke those thoughts in the eyes when they tell you "Oh, you're not the same weight as you was before. So therfor your fat". You are not fat! I have no idea what your weight is, but i can promise you' you are not anywhere near fat, and i can tell you that with such confidence because your in treatment, and when your in treatment, people only want to help you get better.. Get healthy! nothing else. I know that's hard to believe because you said "this is the highest i have EVER IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE been!!!" but that doesn't mean that you are instantly fat. It just means that you was ill for a very long time. You should feel proud of yourself, for walking the scary road to recovery. Just muscle down those obsticles that are thrown onto your path on the way through it.

I am so glad you are getting better.. just remember though, your thoughts can only get inside your head so far. Don't let it hinder your recovery. You're doing absolutly fantastic. =D

Much love
Caz
xxx

_plastic · 07-12-2008, 02:05 PM

I can't add much to what Caz said.

Take care of yourself hun i've missed seeing you around xxx

Droplet · 07-12-2008, 05:56 PM

Is it because of how people see you that you don't want to be fat - which youre not -? Or is it how you see yourself? What does your weight mean to you? What difference does it make?

I totally agree with everything Caz said.

You take care, my love, never be afraid to post!
Love Miranda. x

Minnie-Lily · 07-12-2008, 08:51 PM

Hey
I aswell have to agree with Caz, you've done soooo well, you cant let this be an obstacle as you've overcome so many. To have even come this far you have proved not only to everyone how strong you are but more importantly to yourself how strong you are. You have to use this strength to put yourself on the right track again. We are all here for you.
Take care xxxxxxxxxx

xxlittlepixiexx · 13-12-2008, 11:28 PM

i just want to say thanku to u all for replying!!! it means so much more then i could ever explain in words!!

im stuck in the unit this wkend coz the weekends at home have not been going fantastic...
i am scared of what people see and scared of what i see too...

i am so scared... it really does terrify me and i cant explain it and it feels all out of control...
im so scared!!!

carla1983 · 13-12-2008, 11:32 PM

hi hun im in unit to its my first week and its bloody hard i live near luton im in unit in birgiham now what unit are you in? are you under centerny house ed unit in hitchin?

xxlittlepixiexx · 18-12-2008, 11:05 AM

there is a unit in hitchin?!
im in oxford, cotswold house. i am from bedfordshire tho. how is your first week going sweetie?
xx