I don't understand it...why didn't he care about what I did??? I was staying at a friend's place, and he knows that I SI. He had said that he cared about me and such. He knew that I was under alot of stress and had been asked not to leave me alone. He had to go to bed though, understandable. So, I had ended up cutting, and because I was triggered so bad, I had gone to deep...again....for the sixth time . I was terrified that I had hit a vein, so I woke him up. There was blood everywhere, there was puddles of it...I was so scared, I needed comfort, to know that he really did care. He cleaned my arm up, took a 3 second look at the cut, and said "your fine" then WENT BACK TO BED!!!! How could someone be so cruel, so heartless? I hate him for that, he made me want to go deeper with the cut, to really bleed, to show him that I was not fine and never will be...I am trying so hard to stop, but I can't do it, I have been in the hospital 5 times to be taped up because of this. I feel like he doesn't care at all, like if he goes to bed and ignores me then maybe my cutting will go away. Like, sure I'm fine, the puddles of blood on your floor are nothing, . Ugh!!! I just don't know what to do. This is such a big deal to me but no one with me seems to realize that!!! Anyway, this is kinda turning into a rant so I am going to stop =/.
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
Thank-you for replying. I am not sure if he actually does care or not, I was having a fling with him just to find out that he was playin me. He definitly under reacted though, as my arm was pretty open. I had showed him the other cuts where I had gone to deep and had told him how worried I was about being/getting triggered or having a bad urge. He knew me well enough to know that a reaction like that would trigger me farther. I dunno if he just thinks it is something I do for attention (he has said that to me before) or what . I have no idea, but I told my current BF about it, and he sympathized with me, but since I have been going to deep lately he does not want to talk to me at all about the SI-ing and he is the only person I have to talk to . I dunno what I a supposed to do? I feel so desperate and hopeless .
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
I dunno if he just thinks it is something I do for attention (he has said that to me before) or what
that's possible I guess... maybe he thought that if he showed you attention it would make you do it more... so some rubbish like that... unfortuantely a lot of people think that...
I can sympothise with feeling as if you have no one to talk to... my boyfriend doesn't really like to talk about it either... but I honestly don't feel I could speak to anyone else...
do you have a councillor or whatever? especially if you've been going deeprescentlyit may be an idea to seak help...
failing that, a friend?
I don't have any therapist or anything like that yet, I have gone to the hospital for help though, but our system takes so long. The only person that would talk to me at all about my SI is my BF and he won't anymore. He says that he is tired of watching me destroy myself, that he is scared to go to work and leave me alone, because he thinks that I will go deeper and end up losing my life. I am scared of that to, especially after last night, but he doesn't understand that he is the only person I have. At first he wanted me to stop completely, I almost laughed at him, because he should know that he can't force something like that on me. My BF told me that if I go to deep again then he will kick me out . I'm losing everything to the monster behind my blade but I can't stop...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
maybe you could explain it to these people?maybe they just don't understand?
I mean especially if you are actually trying to get help... maybe explain to your boyfriend that youare getting help, but he has to be patient? Do you think he really will kick you out?or is he useing that as a sort of emtpy threat, motivational ploy thing?
i dont think its fair what he's saying to you, but then again he could be saying things like that not to hurt you but maybe see it as a way to stop, if he doesnt cut he wouldnt know what its like.. maybe he's scared for you and doesnt no how to help you, people get scared and say and do things they only think is right. sit him down and tell him how you feel about him not "caring" maybe it does come down to him just being scared about it all see it from his side of the light, he maybe new to all this, ofcouse i dont know you or him so i could be making a tw*t out myself right now.. so im sorry, but im here and i hope it all works out i really do XXXX
*lovin stars* could be right there... i f aperson is scared and doesn't know how to react then they could do anything... ignoring it may have seemed like the best option to him
Thank-you guys. By the way just so you know, the guy who ignored my deep cut last night and my BF are different people (I know I wasn't clear on that in my post...lol). I can understand my BF being scared of me going to deep, but he has known me since I started cutting. He does not SI but he did try it once a few days ago to see what it was like, it shocked me to no ends that he would do something like that, although I know it was to try and help me but still... I am not sure if that is an empty threat or not. He knows me to well to think that it would motivate me though. I really don't want to find out if it is an empty threat or not, but I fear that that is what is going to happen. I will have to be alone today as he has got to work and I am so scared to be alone because that is when the deep ones happen. ... He can't stay home and I don't want to ask a friend of mine to stay with me because I am not comfortable talking about the SI with him... I'm not sure what to do. By the way, I posted a thread in the first aid forum that I really need an answer to, I don't want to post it here because it's not where it belongs.
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
Thank-you very much. I am just really scared thats all. I have never gone this deep before and I fear that I am out of the control. I don't want to go to the hospital again because I am scared... My BF tries his hardest to understand and support me, but what happens if I go deep again? I wouldn't know what to do.... I hate feeling desperate and hopeless.
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
aaww honey i dont know what to say, talk to your boyfirned, about everyhting, how your feel tell him your scared your going to cut too deep, tell him you dont want to be alone, try not to cut to deep, i know its hard XXXX
Me and him just had a talk while he gets ready for work, and he did say that it was an empty threat that he used as a deterent although he admits that it wasn't the best thing to say. He did say though that if it happens and I do go to deep that he is only a phone call away and that he will not kick me out. That he will go to the hospital with me or whatever I need. That takes a big stress off of my mind although I am sure it will still be there as I am the kind of person to dwell on things. The thing that scared me the most about the other night and going to deep (my BF is trained in first aid and said that it would have needed stitches) is that I liked it, how fu*ked up is that? I could literally see inside my arm, and actually SEE a vein (my BF says that had nicked it). And I liked it. It felt so good to sit there and watch my blood run outta my arm and onto the floor. I was so scared the other night but at the same time (or I may be triggered again right now, I'm not sure) I loved it, loved seeing all the blood.
Good grief what is wrong with me? Why am I such a monster? I'm horrid and disgusting...
Oh my...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
I can understand being scared... not sure what to advice... not sure that sepaking to your boyfriend at the mo would be good if he has to go to work, may be best waiting until he's finished work and got back... but that doesn't help you much right now...
could you have a friend roud but just not iscuss the SI? just say you're bored and would like some company or something? just so that you're not allone
Me and him just had a talk while he gets ready for work, and he did say that it was an empty threat that he used as a deterent although he admits that it wasn't the best thing to say. He did say though that if it happens and I do go to deep that he is only a phone call away and that he will not kick me out. That he will go to the hospital with me or whatever I need. That takes a big stress off of my mind although I am sure it will still be there as I am the kind of person to dwell on things.
I'm glad that went well and you spoke to him then :) guess I need to have more trust in human nature
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The thing that scared me the most about the other night and going to deep (my BF is trained in first aid and said that it would have needed stitches) is that I liked it, how fu*ked up is that? I could literally see inside my arm, and actually SEE a vein (my BF says that had nicked it). And I liked it. It felt so good to sit there and watch my blood run outta my arm and onto the floor. I was so scared the other night but at the same time (or I may be triggered again right now, I'm not sure) I loved it, loved seeing all the blood.
I think some people find that...
is there some way that you could speak to someone and get them to rush through your support or someething? A way that you could get help more quickly?
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Good grief what is wrong with me? Why am I such a monster? I'm horrid and disgusting..
It was just a quick chat with him, he is gone now and I am scared. It is 7:00 AM right now so the only person I know is in bed. I am so scared that I will get triggered further and end up re-opening (it has just closed up a bit) that cut. It is already deep enough and if I re-open it, I could cut something that might really harm me... Ooooo...I hate being like this, I hate cutting, but it feels so good, I only did it twice yesterday and that is great for me, but right now I do not trust myself at all. I have two deep cuts that have just closed over and one large one that has just scarred. I am so worried that I will reopen them all, and then go to work on my legs. I feel like I have two people inside of me (although that could be the bipolar not sure) and one just wants to attack me with a razor blade, while the other wants to run away and scream for help in the middle of the street. This is the worst urge/trigger that I have ever had in the 5 years I have been doing this. I am so scared, but I am alone, there is no one with me right now....
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
Thank-you. I have tried all the distractions I can think of. Nothing is working, I don't even know how I got this bad . I wasn't like this a few minutes ago...I have no idea. It is so bad that I can literally feel an aching sensation in that cut...that is weird, I have never felt that before. I tried sending an MSN message to my BF's dad, he knows how I feel cuz he used to SI, but I got no reply. He is mad at me, and he hurts me more then helps me I guess. I don't know what to do, I took my razor blades out of my pocket and put them up as a desperate attempt to forget about them, but that isn't working to well. That makes me feel even more insecure because I keep them in my pocket no matter what. It makes me paranoid even though I know that I am the only one in the house. All I can think about is blood, blood, blood. It's like I am going insane. All I wanna do is re-open them, make them deeper and deeper but at the same time I want to be normal. It's making no sense to me... Have I lost it??? I'm starting to think that I have... *Whimpers*
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
I am fighting it with all the strength that I have. I don't want to break down and give in because I am so scared that I will go way, way to deep. I don't wanna die, I wanna live, I have alot to live for and I know this. But being alone is like being alone with someone who loves to mutilate people... Is this really a coping technique or am I just plain crazy? I'm not sure... All I can think about is the blood the other night, the puddle on the floor, in the sink, on my hands, everywhere... It's like having flashbacks... I feel like I am reliving the moment, and then I get that ache in my cut... It throbs with my heartbeat...that is so weird... Oh my, oh my, oh my... I feel like if I don't cut I will go absolutly crazy, but I am fighting it... I must...
I probably sounds nuts right not...
~Nikki~
"Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"
"Don't judge me by the scars on my arms, instead help me to throw away the blade"
. I was terrified that I had hit a vein, so I woke him up. There was blood everywhere, there was puddles of it...I was so scared, I needed comfort, to know that he really did care. He cleaned my arm up, took a 3 second look at the cut, and said "your fine" then WENT BACK TO BED!!!! How could someone be so cruel, so heartless? I hate him for that, he made me want to go deeper with the cut, to really bleed, to show him that I was not fine and never will be...I am trying so hard to stop, but I can't do it, I have been in the hospital 5 times to be taped up because of this. I feel like he doesn't care at all, like if he goes to bed and ignores me then maybe my cutting will go away. Like, sure I'm fine, the puddles of blood on your floor are nothing, 
. Ugh!!! I just don't know what to do. This is such a big deal to me but no one with me seems to realize that!!! Anyway, this is kinda turning into a rant so I am going to stop =/.
. I have no idea, but I told my current BF about it, and he sympathized with me, but since I have been going to deep lately he does not want to talk to me at all about the SI-ing and he is the only person I have to talk to 
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