Triggering (Suicide) - things are bad. help? (sorry)

tamobhuuta · 14-11-2008, 06:37 PM

i'm sorry for writing this, i ought to be being helpful for other people at least but i'm failing. this mightn't make sense when i write it so i might come back and make it legible later or when i finish, idk. and i don't know why i'm writing this yet either but maybe writing it'll help me work that out.

at the beginning of this week the downess started coming out and i skipped my art lesson on monday, ended up cutting in the girls' bathroom. i didn't tell the teacher that when she asked where i'd got to, why i left the class, said i felt bad that was all, and she said i mustn't do that again. on tuesday i managed to work in the morning but things took over again in the afternoon and i had the same teacher, so she was saying what's wrong, i care... i had another teacher that afternoon too and i was still shut down, could only nod or shake my head when he asked me questions.
same things pretty much happened on wednesday.

and yesterday things went bad. watching a video of the crucifixion in RE, well i couldn't watch but i couldn't shut out the sound. asked to be excused, and i went and i hid and cried and cried because everything the Voice says forced its way back into my head and the Voice is coming to get me, he's going to kill me because i'm not human, i'm Pain, an invader, a thief, a murderer, and it'll be painful, very very painful because it's what i deserve, and even once i'm pushed out of this body it'll go on hurting until i'm destroyed. my only escape is to end it myself before the Voice arrives.

the funny thing is you can 'look very down' and people don't stop noticing, but be in real danger and you're invisible. maybe they're giving me a chance, to kill myself and let ****** come back, before they turn on me and take the Voice's side.

i always go to church and it's such a wonderful thing but how can i go when i ought to be dead.
'my' parents mustn't know what i'm thinking because they're convinced i am human, they'd try to stop this.
i don't want to die, i want to be human, i want the Voice to be lying, i want help.

i shouldn't be asking people for help, and you'll probably all take the Voice's side, but if you don't, please help, tell me what to do (except to tell my parents, i can not do that).
what should i do?
should i end it?
should i tell someone?

aquatickitten · 15-11-2008, 02:18 AM

first of all, it is in no way your responsibility to help anyone else. you just need to worry about you. you can't earn god's love--as a matter of fact, he prevented me from doing any type of service for him for years, just so I would understand that he didn't save me just to make me a slave. we aren't slaves, we are his children--deeply loved and fully understood and known. he cherishes you, and he knows that it's hard for you to give yourself to him...that makes what you give him even more special and precious in his eyes. think about this: we all know about supply and demand. the worth of something is determined by what the buyer is willing to pay for it.
You know as well as I do the price God paid to buy you out of slavery to sin. THAT is how much you are worth to him.

you don't need to pretend you are ok or lie about how you feel, especially if it's for the sake of other people. you are entitled to your emotions. you deserve love and compassion just as much as everyone else in this world. you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, and you don't have to announce your personal life to the world, but the pain isn't going to go away if you never acknowledge it. it only stays hidden deep inside, destroying your soul from the inside out, waiting for a time when it can overwhelm you. the only way out is through. i know that almost no one will understand what you're going through. and yes, telling the wrong person will make things worse...but telling the right person can make all the difference in the world. take it from someone who's been there. i thought that surely no one would understand my problems, that they would kick me out of church and declare me unclean and evil, that i would be told over and over i was going to hell...but God took matters into his own hands. When my mother found out that I was getting involved in the occult, she freaked out and tried to force me to go back to a counselor that I hated, that had treated me like I was crazy...i told her i would rather talk to ANYONE else, "even the youth pastor's wife". well, imagine my shock when it turned out that the youth pastor's wife had been physically and sexually abused, involved in the occult, and was a former self-harmer who had dealt with almost every problem imaginable at some point! our world needs more people like her. anyway...it was no accident that it was her i ended up talking to. it was completely God. I will be praying for God to bring someone into your life (in real life) you can talk to about everything, because it really does make all the difference in the world.

Do you know who else was afraid, watching Jesus die? All of his followers. But you know what? JESUS IS ALIVE! Even death couldn't defeat him. He will never, ever abandon you. He will never leave you, never disown you as his child. He already knows your entire story, past, present and future. He knew when you prayed to him the first time that you would make mistakes. He already knew all of your sin. And YES, you are a sinner...just like the rest of us. And yes, everyone who sins DESERVES DEATH--but that penalty, that cost has been PAID IN FULL already!!! Jesus died instead of you! You are very much human, dear one, beloved child of God. The body you live in belongs to you just as much as it belings to Miriam. You may be filled with pain, but that doesn't change things any--it only says that, like many others, you desperately need what God has for you. I need God just as bad as you do. Sometimes it feels like everyone else has it together, like they're stronger than I am, like I'm the only one in the world that is so weak, like I'm the only person ion the world that is as bad as I am. THAT IS A LIE and it comes from hell! No one is beyond saving. Or do you really think that the price Jesus paid was not high enough to buy you out of slavery to death? Or that God, who is ALL-powerful, is beaten by the darkness of YOUR sin and pain? It isn't true. It's easier for us to believe, because then we don't have to try. We don't have to trust. We don't have to open our hearts and risk more pain. But it is a lie!
I don't know what you've done. But even if you have done what this voice accuses you of, there is still hope. Who was it that hung on the cross beside Jesus, and was promised that he would be in heaven that very day? A murderer and thief. Paul, who a huge chunk of the bible, was a terrorist that went from door to door killing and arresting and torturing christians. Sometimes it's half-truths that make the best lies, because we can hear the truth in them. but this voice is not telling you the whole truth. It's true that God's justice demands a price be paid for your actions, and it is a high price. It's true that it would be fair of God to punish you, destroy you--but instead Jesus took that penalty himself! As if the judge presiding over your trial sentenced you, and then announced he would serve the sentence himself and you are free to go. YOU ARE FREE TO GO. The voice is lying to you. Hell wants you to believe that you have no escape, that you have no hope, that you have already been defeated--this is ALL a lie. There is one thing we know about the end--JESUS WINS. To kill yourself would be to surrender unconditionally in a war that has already been won.

Dear one, if you kill yourself, Miriam will not come back. Your body is her body, too.

It's wonderful that you love to go to church. It makes God happy.It is exactly because we should be dead that we need to recieve Jesus' sacrifice, which rescued us from that fate. Jesus didn't come to help the people who don't really need help. he came for people like us. Like me, and like you. He came for the broken ones like us, the ones that are nothing. He said so himself, in isaiah 61 (this is written like Jesus is talking about God):

He sent me to preach good news to the poor,
heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives,
pardon all prisoners.
God sent me to announce the year of his grace—
a celebration of God's destruction of our enemies—
and to comfort all who mourn,
To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion,
give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes,
Messages of joy instead of news of doom,
a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness"
planted by God to display his glory.
They'll rebuild the old ruins,
raise a new city out of the wreckage.
They'll start over on the ruined cities,
take the rubble left behind and make it new.
You'll hire outsiders to herd your flocks
and foreigners to work your fields,
But you'll have the title "Priests of God,"
honored as ministers of our God.
You'll feast on the bounty of nations,
you'll bask in their glory.
Because you got a double dose of trouble
and more than your share of contempt,
Your inheritance in the land will be doubled
and your joy go on forever.

That promise is for YOU!
God loves you. I also love you, even though I've never met you, because you are my sister. Did you know that? We are sisters, because we have the same Daddy. I am very happy to be your sister, and I will be sad and miss you if you kill yourself. Our Daddy will be very sad too. I want to helo you as much as you can, I am here for you to talk to and I want to get to know you better. I just want to make sure you know that I'm not perfect, because only God is perfect. So I have days when I'm tired and hurt and probably won't be able to help much. I have days like that too. But, I am still here. And I am praying for you, and will keep praying for you.

Next time that voice tries to tell you lies, try telling him that Jesus is ALIVE and Jesus wins! That voice has no real power over you, only what you give to him because you are afraid and don't trust God. God will protect you. The voice can say a lot of scary things and can threaten you, but cannot actually hurt you. He can only scare you into hurting yourself. Don't you see what he's trying to do? Because you are God's beloved child, he has no power to hurt you--but he wants to see you hurt, because he is afraid you will do wonderful, amazing things for God. So he is trying to get you to hurt yourself. HE IS LYING!

I don't know what to say about the homework. Unfortunately, a lot of people just don't understand how hard it is to get homework done when everything hurts so bad...you should try to get it done, because it will make your life easier. But if you can't, then you can't. It might cause problems, though. Really, it's worth it to do as much as you can because if teachers see you trying, they will not lecture you as much, it makes them want to help you.

Take care of yourself, beloved child of god. I'm right here if you want to talk to me. I'm PM-ing you my contact info.

Your sister, Jacie

tamobhuuta · 21-11-2008, 07:09 PM

i've been trying to push them out all week but the thoughts have got further in. even a day for doing it has worked its way in, though i've tried so hard not to even think about it. it's like i have to kill myself, like there's no other option. everything's so clear, it all fits. i want to tell someone because i'm scared but i think it may just be easier to run away and put a stop to all this. i think if i told someone they'd tell me to shut up. i saw K and D from the CMHT last week and at one point they asked about the Voice and i answered them honestly and they stared at me like the biggest freak in the world.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : trig sui

anyway damn, why am i replying to my own post? i had a point but it's gone... it was um. damn. maybe i want permission to feel like this but not act on it :S

thank you for your reply Jacie, it meant alot and i have been trying to keep it in mind. i hope you don't think my letting things slip further is because i didn't appreciate it or it didn't help.

rockaroni · 21-11-2008, 10:00 PM

*hug hug hug* I love you Miriam, don't let the voice get you down, of course we're not going to take it's side. And if you need help, ask for it. It's a very brave thing to do, and you have EVERY right to. Just like you have every right to feel how you do.

I think talking to your teachers is a good thing, especially since you don't feel talking to your parents is a good idea. If people around you aren't aware of what kind of place you're in, they can't help. OK, sometimes they can't anyway, but at least they can try...

I think it's absolutely awesome that you go to church, and I think you should keep going. I know my faith has helped my alot when I've been at my lowest.

Please love, know that you ARE human, you deserve to feel happiness and hope. You're proving by asking for help that you're human. I have lots of issues with knowing my own humanity, mainly when I just become numb to everything. Not feeling emotion to me makes me feel like a robot...

I'm sorry this hasn't been particularly helpful, my thoughts are a bit all over the place at the moment... But you know. If anything else, you shouldn't end it because I DEMAND to see you next weekend at the Brighton meet :P *hug*

aquatickitten · 22-11-2008, 05:24 PM

of course i don't think that. :P i'm still praying for you. and if you want permission to feel like this, as long as you don't act on it, well...even Elijah, who was considered the greatest prophet right up until new testament times, struggled with suicide. It's right in 1 Kings 19.

"Ahab told his wife Jezebel what Elijah had done and that he had killed the prophets. he sent a message to Elijah: "You killed my prophets. Now I'm going to kill you! I pray that the gods will punish me even more severely if I don't do it by this time tomorrow." Elijah was afraid when he got her message, and he ran to the town of Beersheba in Judah. He left his servant there, then walked another whole day into the desert. Finally, he came to a large bush and sat down in its shade. He begged the LORD, "I've had enough. Just let me die! I'm no better off than my ancestors." Then he lay down in the shade and fell asleep." (verses 1-5)

And all this is right after Elijah succesfully defeats 450 false prophets! Yet he runs from this one woman. Someone explained to me once that this was because the spirit and courage he had before from God, and himself; and that even those who have the greatest zeal and courage for religion, for God, and his worship, his truths and ordinances, if left to themselves, become weak and frightened. If you look at what happens next in that chapter, it isn't so much Elijah dealing with his suicidal thoughts as it is that God takes care of him and helps him. All Elijah really does is listen.

tamobhuuta · 23-11-2008, 11:02 PM

school tomorrow, early morning. just want to sleep forever though. i do very much want to come to Brighton Katie! kind of scared of the voice, of myself, in fact haven't even cut since thursday 'cos i wouldn't be able to stop myself going further. i don't think tomorrow's going to go very well. i'll end up avoiding people as usual, when really it's bad for me to be alone