Triggering (Suicide) - Ive had enough

melda · 11-11-2008, 03:52 PM

I had a chat with my named nurse today and I confided to her that I had been feeling depressed lately and had restarted self harming. She said that I wasnt doing enough and should think about doing some voluntary work and that I should get my activity levels up. She also gave me some coping strategies for self harm, but I felt as though I had failed her and everyone else because I hadnt been able to stop self harming and because I dont really want to increase my activity levels.

Ive had enough of trying to get better, Ive been trying for so long and nothing seems to be helping and now Im feeling so suicidal. I dont really know what to do in the future, I wouldnt be good at anything because I have no confidence and am not good at socialising with people. Even though my parents know everything that I have been through I think that now I have to pretend that everything is going ok because I dont want them to worry especially as they would feel like they cant do anything to help and they would feel helpless. I dont want them to feel like that so I am going to keep quiet. I am going to have to live with this on my own now. I feel like I have to please everyone else, they have invested enough time in me. I just dont care anymore, Im tired of fighting the battle, I give up. I dont know whether I will end my life or not, but it seems like the favourable option right now, I have people that I can talk to, but I dont want to, I dont want their help, they cant help me.

I am being very negative and I am sorry for that, but I just needed to get all this out. I dont know what to do, I am lost. I wish I had never got depressed in the first place, if only I had said 'no' to the guy who abused me then I wouldnt be in this mess in the first place. I give up.

sherlock holmes · 11-11-2008, 04:05 PM

This isn't your fault. I doubt saying no would make any difference to an abuser.

Doing some voluntary work is a really good idea. I've recently started doing some voluntary work in a charity shop and with a nursery group. It was scary at first but everyone is being so lovely to me, and they know I have depression/anxiety. It really does help to get out of the house and take your mind off of how you feel.

If you wait to feel better and THEN do some voluntary work, it will never happen. You have to force yourself out of the house but trust me it does start to help. Nothing is a miracle cure but take on board the suggestions from your nurse. I hate hate hate hearing from my CMHT that I need to get out of the house more, but deep down it's true. It really is. I know when you're depressed the last thing you want to do is go out but it really helps.

Don't give in, not when this can be fixed.

It's all to easy to say "oh my god nothing helps" (I say that a lot, believe me) but I know that deep down I hadn't really tried, not 100%. Yes it's hard, but worth it.