Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Badly Need Help - So Scared *Sexual Assult Trig*
Hiya everyone,
I'm new here so I'm not expecting responses I think I just need to let it all out and it's keeping me busy typing for a few minutes.
I'm Loz and I'm 22, Ive been self-harming and attempting suicide since I was 11, when I got gang raped.
At the moment I'm feeling really alone, confused and scared and badly want to end it all or cut it all away.
At the moment the following problems are badly effecting me - the loss of my Gramps who was my best friend, he died in October 07 I still haven't accepted it or talked properly about it.
I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, my baby was due 13th December, I haven't discussed this with anyone, my baby's dad put 'LOL Good Girl' when I told him and my Mum said I'd had a lucky escape!!
I owe about 3 thousand pounds to various people and am contstantly being chased with letters and stuff - I've been to Citizens Advice to try and sort it but I forget to make payments and as such they refuse to help me now.
I'm currently at University and completely failing my University course, I fell poorly 2 weeks into Uni, and had to go home for a fortnight - I haven't been back into lessons since - I'm trying to change courses but if they block the move then I've automatically failed the course I'm currently on for not completing assignments. This will mean having to retake the year, as well as dissapointing my whole family.
I also had problems with my student loan - accomdation fee's, I arranged my rent to be taken from my loan, which hasn't been done - however I now only have about 500quid to live on - my rent is 1,500 ... but the accomodaton people haven't chased me up about it yet, so I'm not sure what's happening/happened.
I also suffer from a large amount of illnesses, I have psoriasis, arthritis, brittle asthma, anaemia and I have a low blood cell count which could mean auto-immune disease.
I feel like I'm in a big hole and I just can't see my way out anymore... really want to give up....
Help (sorry its so long)
Last edited by Dreaming. : 04-11-2008 at 10:53 PM.
Reason: Edited labels - please don't use abbreviations. Hope you're okay x
Welcome!
I'm new too! Real name's Sarah by the way.
I don't really have the words to express how sorry I am for everything you have been through...yeah I'm a bit rubbish with words apparently.
Do you see anyone (doctor/counsellor etc) about the stuff you've been/are going through? If you don't, I would really recommend it. Sometimes it helps to talk about how you feel with someone who won't judge you...if your uni has a counselling service you could try that?
I don't know much about debt (well aside from the fact that I'm also a student, and also in quite a bit of debt,) but is there anyway you could get a hardship loan/grant off your uni? I'm not sure if all unis do them, but mine will give grants to students with serious financial problems. I would probably contact the accommodation people, just to find out what's going on, it's got to be better than not knowing.
Regarding your course, surely if you've been ill, they will make allowances? Do you want to start a new course next year, or change over right now? If you're waiting until next year, I don't see how they can block the move...then again university policy always confuses me.
Ive just emailed to get an Emergency Appointment with the Mental Health and Wellbeing team at Uni - hoping perhaps they can deal with everyone else for me :(
I just want to add... that it is a good step to reach out for help and an emergency appointment. I think you can use any and all help that you can get right now.
I can't believe how much you are going through! I really do feel for you. I can't imagine what you must be feeling!
You are fighting so many things. It really would be good if you had an advocate and some others that may offer programs, who could step in and give you a hand. Perhaps even handle some of this for you as you said.
I don't see how you can have all this physical, emotional, and mental agony and no help. *HUGS*
I am glad that you shared it here so you aren't alone with your thoughts and so you were able to get your feelings out.
I hope that appointment you made helps. Maybe you can make a list of questions you have, about what you need, and what programs might be available that they know about, and bring it with you.
Remember you aren't alone and we are here for you anytime.
*hugs babe* i cant belive how much your going through im like :O
Im so sorry and have no word but i will ALWAYS be here for you whenever you need me.
My mate had a misscarge (she was 15 same age as me) and i dunno it hurt her so badly. She knew it was a girl as well. She was going to call her summer :(
I pormised my mate in memory i would name my first little girl Summer.
I cant imagine how hard it must have been
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Oh honey, I'm sure that your mom meant the best by what she said. Maybe she thought that you were relieved at not being pregnant?
And men tend not to deal with miscarriges well, when my friend miscarried her then-ex boyf was initially overjoyed but it soon turned to despair.
Having said that, if that was his genuine response then he doesn't deserve to have anything to do with your children.
I'm so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. PLEASE get some help about your miscarriage. whatever stage of the pregnancy, it was your child, your baby. You have to grieve. I have had 3 miscarriages and thought I could cope. Please get some help/counselling. Te death of your Gramps on top of everything else is just too much. I'm so sorry
I'm here if I can help
I can't believe how much you are going through! 
