Triggering (SI) - Putting a front on things... will I ever be happy?

[half rainbow]

I don't know if this is in the right place, so please do forgive me if it's not. Still trying to get my head around how to use the forum properly...

I've come to visit my parents the last couple of days. Its been really difficult, as they have absolutley no idea of how I feel, and due to their response in the past I have no intention of them finding out. Problem is, it means that when I do come to visit them I have to put a front on things. But I've discovered, I'm actually doing a really good job of it. And in one sense I've actually felt ok. But I've felt bad and guilty for acually feeling ok. I've also still been desperate to cut.

I guess I'm worried that no matter how ok I feel on the outside, and how well my friends perceive me to be doing, inside everything feels like a completley different matter. But sometimes it feels lke my friends really have no idea of how stuff bad is... Does anyone else get this? I'm worried that my mental illness is always overlooked, and underestimated because of how people seem me on the outside... but on the other hand I also really don't want it to define me, and consume me... I'm so confused

I guess I'm also worried that I feel guilty for feeling ok... surely I should be happy I'm ok? Not let that make me feel worse? I just wonder if I stand any chance of getting better if I feel guilty when I am happy? Am I the only person this is happening to?

[sherlock holmes]

No, you aren't alone!

I remember going through periods of feeling okay, and then feeling scared because I was okay and I wasn't used to it, or didn't think I deserved to feel okay. I guess feeling good after a period of depression takes some getting used to, but you will get used to it. The feelings of guilt will slowly start to fade.

Don't think you "should" feel this or that. Just accept how you feel and don't try to push anything away or cling to anything.

[half rainbow]

Thank you. That helps a lot. I guess I'm just scared, because deep down I still feel awful, but it's far easier to try and put a front on it, as exhausting as it is, than to try and explain to people that you feel rubbish... It's been nice to avoid how I feel for a few days though

[x-dying-inside-x]

i do it all the time but hunny please let people know how you feel because putting on a front has never got me anywhere.
i hope you start feeling better soon.
im always here if you wanna chat.
xxx