I really don't know how to deal with all of this anymore. What can I do when my mother is my abuser? I don't even know if she's doing it on purpose or if she just accidentally makes me feel like the lowest form of life on this earth.
I ran away from her two years ago, and she convinced me that due to my financial situation I had to move back in with her. Things went well when she could see the pain and hatred on my face. Now that I am starting to feel better, she's starting her shit again. She's told me to my face that I am fat. She has insinuated twice that I am a slut. She just doesn't fucking listen to me, like nothing I say could possibly be as interesting as what SHE has to say.
I was SI free for about 6 months when I started again. And now it is back, in full force. I haven't cut myself for nearly a month now, but I have hit myself and scratched and whatever else you can do except cut.
I am watching a friend of mine's place this week. Mother dear is not impressed because the friend in question here is also my ex girlfriend. She doesn't like the fact that her daughter had a girlfriend. Now she's trying to make me feel like shit again for leaving her without money, which I didn't. She's leaving tomorrow to go and take care of her father (he's dying). I feel so fucking NUMB, that I cannot even be sad for her, or for me even.
Yesterday the ex and I also had a fight in which she made me feel like I am a shit friend, like I only think of myself. This is true, of course. As well as the fact that I am a slut, and that I am fucking FAT.
I just....I feel so terribly alone right now. I wish I had alcohol, then I could at least get drunk. But there's nothing in this place. Barely even food. I don't have a car, I cannot go anywhere and the only person I could have spoken to is miles away, on holiday. I don't to bother her with my petty little depressive mood.
I just want to grab my handbag and use the relief that is waiting for me. I've met the most wonderful man, and I don't want to expose him to the horror that is a fresh cut or ten. But fuck, I want to cut SO badly. Just a little bit, not too much. Ok. Maybe a lot.
I hate myself so fucking much right now.
"If your hand or foot offend you, cut it off Lad and be sound
There are salves to friend you and many a balsam grows on ground.
If it chance your eye offend you, cut it out Lad and be whole.
But play the man, stand up and end you, if the Sickness is your Soul."
I'm sorry you've waited so long for a reply especially when you're feeling as desperate as you are.
It sounds as though things people have said to you/do say to you have really made you doubt yourself, think that you are the terrible things people say. It can be so difficult to confront these people when they are supposed to be those that love you and would protect you through anything.
However, you did use the term abuser. This, to me, suggests that you know what she says/does isn't right and she shouldn't be doing it. It's harder to believe through and through to blank out these comments - but what she says is very unfair.
You say that you left 2 years ago - is it an option for you to leave again, but perhaps this time a little more organised so it can be longer term?
Cutting won't change what you're going through and it sounds as though this new man is important to you. Be careful with hiding yourself from him - he will accept you for you if he is worth it hun.
Take care,
Chloe x
We don't get given patience but the opportunity to be patient.
Courage isn't handed to us, but we are given opportunities to be courageous.
I'm sorry you've waited so long for a reply especially when you're feeling as desperate as you are.
It sounds as though things people have said to you/do say to you have really made you doubt yourself, think that you are the terrible things people say. It can be so difficult to confront these people when they are supposed to be those that love you and would protect you through anything.
However, you did use the term abuser. This, to me, suggests that you know what she says/does isn't right and she shouldn't be doing it. It's harder to believe through and through to blank out these comments - but what she says is very unfair
You say that you left 2 years ago - is it an option for you to leave again, but perhaps this time a little more organised so it can be longer term?
Cutting won't change what you're going through and it sounds as though this new man is important to you. Be careful with hiding yourself from him - he will accept you for you if he is worth it hun.
Take care,
Chloe x
The thing is...I know she is the abuser, and I am getting help from a psychologist, it's just that I feel so trapped between what I WANT to do and what everyone EXPECTS me to do. I want to leave, but the right thing to do would be to stick with my promise to her and stay.
I just can't deal with another pointless fight in which I am going to be the wrongdoer, again.
"If your hand or foot offend you, cut it off Lad and be sound
There are salves to friend you and many a balsam grows on ground.
If it chance your eye offend you, cut it out Lad and be whole.
But play the man, stand up and end you, if the Sickness is your Soul."
Have you spoken to your psychologist about how torn you're feeling? Sometimes doing what you think you should be doing, due to expectations, is also due to habit.
Chloe x
We don't get given patience but the opportunity to be patient.
Courage isn't handed to us, but we are given opportunities to be courageous.
