due to the wonders of mobile broadband, i've finally managed to get back some level of normality in this hell hole.
am in patients currently. things are a bit of a mess but there we go, thought i'd just drop by and say hi
HI, hope you're doing ok, is there anything we can help you with or that you want to talk about? Hope you start to feel better soon and are discharged.
Sorry things aren't going too well. Do let us know how you are doing and like both who replied before me do let us know if there is anything you want to talk about.
i know people are here because they are unwell, but they say such deliberately hurtful things- the staff aren't much better either. I don't suffer from psychosis but they're treating me like the people here that are in extreme psychosis
wasn't actually that bad when i first came in...but now..not being under section i'm allowed for little walks. tbh, i'd rather die most of the time than come back to this place. i only come back because the few things i value are here.
self harm levels and urges are through the roof since i've been here- much worse than they were before i came in. this is such a pointless excersise.
Was in a bit of a state yesterday, asked just to sit with someone. or have a room to sit in alone for a while. i knew things were coming, but no...later...maybe...*shuts door in face*..don't be so silly...you'lll be alright
i wasn't alright. switched. again. hurt. again. i hate this so much. these people are supposed to be helping???
also work have said that i'm too much of a liability so i've not got a job anymore, thus i wont have a computer soon either. which probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.
judgement by people who don't me for **** is doing me in.
IM NOT PSYCHOTIC PLEASE DONT TREAT ME AS IF I AM
this is getting silly now.
its a glorified cattle market- and not highly glorified either.
Sends you comforting thoughts.
Hospitals can be so impersonal.Ezpecially if you haven't been there long, so they haven't got to know you. Hope things get better and they start to be more helpful. Sorry am not good wit words today but thinking hopeful for you. x
Blessed Be, x Pip
"Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful that it happens in that order."
adopted by surprising mystery loves [prettyontheinside]
Small_Black_Flower is my sister
*Warm hugs* Hospitals can be really horrible places. I SHed a lot more when I was in and kept thinking 'how exactly is this place looking after me?'
Hope things pick up for you soon x
im on the waiting list for the maudsley trauma unit but because they are so lacking in this country the waiting list is phenominal. instead i'm stuck in a place that i know is making me worse.
i know a lot of people in hospital say 'this place is making me worse, i really just want to go home'...but it Really is!
there was a huge fight last night. which somehow ended up in my dorm. now have a huge bump on my head where i was literally thrown off my bed. needless to say, have been switching like goodness knows what. they've changed my meds to try to help calm things down for me, but basically, its this place thats making me so anxious and switchy so .... i dunno
all i know is this place is really inappropriate for me- my stuff is trauma based not psychosis based. if anything they're just adding another traumatic event to the mix- granted its not as bad as the stuff that caused me to have DID to begin with, but nevertheless its very unhelpful
Alot of my parts are hiding and very scared. I've been watching the films i know they like in a hope that it will help them but i'm not coconsious with them so i don't really know what i can do to help them.
The problem stands that i'm having a hard time myself, but also other people are being triggered to **** also so its like being triggered a hundred times over but not knowing what the triggers are so having no way of stopping them
nightmare.
even the lady i share a room with has psychosis issues...can't sleep for fear and anxiety - even with heavy tranqs- they knock me out for about an hour and then i'm back to not being able to sleep again- not that being knocked out is really sleeping anyway.
I have to wait until next tuesday for my next ward round so i've no hope of getting out until then.
I don't think its because i'm new, there are people newer than me, its just that my issues are so far from the majority here, they don't really know how to handle me. Because they are so used to dealing with people at the height of psychosis, their interpersonal skills are highly flawed; its not like being nice is something that needs a huge amount of consideration for them usually. they push people around- literally, not verbally. its not good stuff. needless to say as soon as i'm out i will be making a formal complaint- the conditions here are worse than any hospital i've been in before on every level. its more like a concentration camp
sorry for moaning. this is my only connection to the outside world from here. the only thing i have the chance to cling on to to try to keep myself from going under. i'm just so terrified
Hey, I hope you get to The Maudsley soon. I defend personal injury claims (yeah, I'm a lawyer for my sins), which often involve psych injury (yeah, I'm a hypocrite seen as I can barely hold my life together). Anyway, my point is that a Claimant on the opposing side saw a Dr at The Maudsley - Dr Felicity Zulueta and I think also a Dr Sophie Davidson. I'm not sure if they are still there as this was a case a few years back but they obviously know what they are talking about and helped move this person on with some simple suggestions for the psychs he was under.
I've spent time on a general acute psych ward for just a few days or so and just kept myself to myself until discharge (I knew they were wrong to section me). It's hard not to get caught up in the crazy behaviour - it seems that one person kicks off and makes everybody else do so. it is difficult to resist, I know. However deepite me being discharged after a few days and rightly so, it kept me safe for a few really bad, dangerous days. Try and take the positives frmo this experience - corny, I know.
I also found that unless you were suffering full blown psychosis, the staff had no idea how to approach you and also assumed everybody was dumb (and I am very far from being dumb, very much the opposite which causes me problems).
Sorry to keep ranting but just wanted you to know that I understand and that hospital can be useful to keep you safe.
*hugs*
Sorry, I'm rambling
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Are the staff consulting with your treatment team about how to approach and manage your specific needs? If they haven't already, I strongly advise that you suggest they do.
sorry its so hard being there. It sounds pretty awful. however i DO belive IP was the right thing. I still do. Perhaps not that ward or hospital but i strongly 10000% believe its right. You are not safe on your own and you are high high risk for your own safety.
Ween you did the right thing. totally. I and many others would have done the same.
Becci, i hope things get better for you. Im so sorry its so hard.
thank you for all of your supportive notes. even though i can't be here much , logging on in the evening when they release my laptop to me, and seeing all your kind support , keeps me hanging on.
Thank you ween for the cigarettes- they'll keep me a little more sane through this i should think.
As for the staff consulting with my treatment team- not at all. its something i've tried to suggest, but yes, they do treat everyone like they are as thick as two short planks. that and, i don't really have a treatment team, my local cmht gave up a while ago saying i was 'far too complex for their remit'
hence the maudsley referal- but still nothing back on that one.
As far as im aware felicity is still at the maudsley- i've been to several conferences that shes been at ( the up side of being ill is being able to share with doctors who actually want to understand so they can help other people)
Things were horrible yesterday. one of the informals went out for the day, and came back with a knife, which he proceeded to brandish in several people's faces, including my own, before shimmying up a drain pipe onto the roof and trying to escape. its really not a good experience.
I wouldn't mind if they were in some way equipt or at least open to whats been going on for me, but they don't even seem willing to hear.
You have to ask for things many times over to get any kind of response, normally resulting in not getting what you asked for to start with and being shot dirty looks every time they come round for checks.
I've been IP before, but its never been this bad. I also am finding it hard to get the point of being here.
Its about as productive as being locked in a cell. there is no therapy, no treatment- other than popping pills every few hours, no real support- the staff are there but they never talk, even if you ask them to.
Had been feeling really desperate and scared of everything. plus was a bad date for me. asked to sit with someone, or even just sit in a room on my own away from everything so i could take 5 minutes away from it all. Nothing.
In the end i locked my self in the toilet just for a bit of piece- which of course i got told off for. All of this distress and lack of help even though i'd tried my hardest to reach out, meant someone else decided to take over and yay- another future scar to add to the all too familiar collection i seem to have accumulated over the years.
My next ward round is tuesday. tried getting hold of my named dr today but he was too busy to even talk on the phone. have to do it all off my own back mind, the staff are more like prison guards really.there is No compassion. Hopefully when i see him he'll allow me to have community support rather than being here. this place is bad for me. i've had stronger thoughts of self harm in here than i do at home. its only because i;m desperate to get out that i've tried to minimise the Actual impact of these thoughts, though i've still been self harming.
Its also not so helpful that people keep asking me how they can 'cut like i can'
tip sharing is never something i want to do really.even when there are no rules stopping doing so. its just not there in my morals- but i feel so pressured and cornered by people to give them answers. im ever so very compliant, and i think they can see that.
Felt a bit better about myself for a moment. there is a man here that is the only other non psychotic patient. he has cancer, and is in a lot of pain. the people wont give him his meds until they're signed off by a macmillan nurse, but wont call them for him. he can't see to use the phone because of the severity of the cancer, so they're just letting him stew in pain and grief. Needless to say, its a blessing i still have my phone. made a few phonecalls, and sorted out what he's been asking the staff to do for a month within half an hour. im pleased for him more than anything else. he's terminal, but at least now he has the hope of being comfortable. its so distressing to see him in so much pain.
most of the staff haven't even taken the time to know my name, let alone my needs. none of them really pay any attention. its all 'just a job' which is rather sad and disheartening.
thanks again for your love and support through this, it really does mean the world to me
xx
maybe when you get out you should make a formal written complaint to the nhs trust which the hospital is under. the treatment that you are recieving isnt appropriate and obviously not doing any good. the staff should still be speaking to you even if they aren't use to dealing with people who aren't psychotic. get all the nurses names write them down and put in a formal complaint to the NMC which is the nurses governing body. they set regulations for nurses and disciplinary action if nurses don't uphold the code of conduct.
as for the person with terminal cancer the treatment of him is totally shocking and even if you dont want to complain about your treatment his need to be complained about so that it may not happen in future.
pm me if you want the address of the NMC.
we're both nurses and the way the nurses have been treating you and him is shocking.
**gets of soap box** sorry for the long rant. really hope you get out of there soon **hugs**
not need to get down, you're right. i plan to make a formal complaint, not only about my treatment, but the treatment of a few people here. the people with learning disabilities as well as mental health issues are the worst off i think, even if some of them cant fully comprehend what the hell is going on....this place isn't appropriate for that at all, and the way the nurses man handle and talk down to people is not good.
this is my life line in here
somewhere i can always come
than you for that
thats really good and brave to make a formal complaint once your out as not a lot of people do which is why they get away with treating people like that.
you should look up the NMC code of professional conduct and start quoting bits to them, if they think you know what your talking about it might scare them into being professional and actually doing the job they are paid for. http://www.nmc-uk.org/aArticle.aspx?ArticleID=3056 this is a copy of the code. hope it helps.
Sorry that that place hasn't been much of a safe place for you hun. Hopefully the next place will be a lot better and more sited to you. There is no way they should be like that at all x
