Triggering (Suicide) - Do you ever try to cope alone when you know you shouldnt be?
i was just wondering that was all.
Just wondering if anyone else ever felt that they had tried to cope alone or with little support with too much when they know really they shouldnt be if they think about it?
Like trying to cope with things alone or with little support they shouldnt or at times when they shouldnt?
Or maybe at least trying to cope alone with little support compared to the situation they were in?
Like they shouldnt be doing this maybe because of the extent of their situation but maybe you dont even realise your doing it.That your trying to cope alone with so much.i hadnt realised till i thought about it.Still dont think about it often now.More often than not i just get on with it.
If your answer to the above question was yes did you realise you were doing it?Did you stay aware of that in your consciousness?
Kind of guess i very much expect myself just to get on with it now.Its the natural thing and i wonder if others just expect me to as well.
Maybe especially if youve been in pain a while then maybe it intensifies but like maybe you just still automatically expect yourself just to shoulder it, to be able to deal with it and maybe thats the view others take too like if someones been in pain a while if it gets worse maybe there shouldnt be a real difference.Maybe you should be expected to cope?Expected to cope with more than other people?
Its a bit like for example i take tablets every day to harm myself/eventually kill myself at the moment but some days i take really huge amounts.
For many other people i guess they would do the appropriate thing and go to their GP,ring the crisis team or whatever but i rarely consider this ever.In fact i barely ever think about it.Maybe thats cos ive struggled for so long even if it gets worse over time?Maybe i expect it of myself now just to be able to cope.i know i do.No matter what.Come what may.Its not even a question.I know i do.And i wonder now if others involved with me expect it of me too?
Its not a problem as such [though i feel im carrying a lot - but i feel i should be].
I was just thinking about the example with the tablets and stuff and thinking about the difference between what i do and what others do and wondering how bad would things have to get before i finally do the things that others would do in that situation?
Like what most of the rest of the world would do......
Just wondering.But that was only an example.
Not even saying id want to do what they do cos im not sure im at that point yet with that situation but i wonder cos i think it makes me different how i react to situations compared to a lot of others....and im not sure......and im not sure if im comfortable with that or not.But its just how it is.
Maybe im odd.
Sorry if nobody understands this post.
Wondering if i should delete it anyway........
Sorry for posting.
i dont even like thinking that maybe i shouldnt be coping with this alone/with little support....that just makes me feel odd/more uncomfortable......i dont like thinking about this.
i just want to get on with it......like trying to cope mostly by myself i mean.
Its too uncomfortable everywise.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 15-08-2008 at 02:06 AM.
Reason: To add bits
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
you sound like me.
ive just been getting on with it for so long now.
my camhs team dont care so i just get on with it.
hunny if you cant cope please get help.
xx
" my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never, never leave you during your times of trials and suffering. When you see only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you" you were carried out of are lifes into the next and when its my time to leave this life I know i will be carried into the next life with you.
I wish i had my world complete again.
'Can we protend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars, i could really use a wish right now' BoB
yup, pretty much the same here, dunno just learned I can only rely on myself and never learned to trust that well, so im always alone.
Into my heart an air that kills
From yon far country blows:
What are those blue remembered hills,
What spires, what farms are those?
That is the land of lost content,
I see it shining plain,
The happy highways where I went
And cannot come again.
-- A.E. Housman --
I used to, yes.
Although back then there wasn't really any help available. And if there was, I was too terrified of being 'found out' to access it. I also believed I should be able to cope on my own. But of course I couldn't.
It took another breakdown for me to start to access some of the help that I needed.
Please don't go it alone hun. You are a great person and deserve help. It's good not to be dependant on people to get you through but when you are struggling there really is nothing wrong with asking for help.
Please tc of yourself.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
I am going to reply to your thread a bit later but Im having trouble absorbing and processing information, so for the time being I just wanted you to know I'd scanned it and Im thinking of you a lot. Please stay strong and safe
I have phases where Ive demanded to be discharged because Ive wanted to go it alone. Sometimes its because Ive just felt my relationship with professionals is poor and everything is getting a bit claustraphobic, other times its been because Ive been a bit destructive and Ive known my behaviour would land me in hospital if I kept seeing them, so i thought hey, get discharged and it'll be hunky dory and I wont be forced to get help. So I can quite see where you're coming from.
But Kath you do need some help right now. no one should have to cope alone with these huge feelings you have. There is no shame in asking for help and you owe it to yourself to give yourself a chance at something better. You clearly have a very intelligent understanding of whats going on with you- you know its killing you and you know that pushing everyone away is damaging you further. So please think about it.
Oh my gosh i cant believe you all replied to me!!!!im a bit overwhelmed!!Feel like crying!!Thank you so so much.
im sorry but im not gonna write much right now.im not feeling very well [feeling sick] but i just wanted to thank you all and let you know ive read.
ive been feeling so alone.
Thank you all for being there.
im really struggling with the issues i brought up in this thread at the moment.
im sorry.
i would also like to say that i know a number of you have said quite correctly that i seem to have understanding of my own problems.But right now i feel thats something else which is killing me cos its killing me to have that understanding but still to not manage to help myself.Its more frustrating having that understanding than not having it at all if im not managing to do anything with it.
It just chews me up inside to know i have the insight but that im getting nowhere.
Thank you all again.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
The thing is Kath huni, the mind is such a powerful thing. You can be the cleverest person on the planet, you can understand every little in and out detail of your problem, but that doesnt make accepting help or helping yourslef any easier. Knowing something is wrong is one thing, being able to do something about it is another. You have an illness. That illness inteferes with your feelings about your capacity to help yourself. It is not your fault and yes, I know it must be frustrating and everything else. I regularly feel very frustrated that a task as seemingly simple as eating a plate of food or chosing not to cut myself is nearly impossible where I am right now. But thats why you need others around you, to help you where you are currently unable to help yourself, so that you can reach that point where you are able to use your understanding in a more fruitful way in working towards your recovery.
Im not surprised sweetie! Your insides must be crying out for some TLC with everything those pills are putting them through. I do really think it would be good for you to get checked out. Maybe that is something you consider as a target with your CPN, working towards getting you to a place where you actually felt that you wanted to have physical checks done. Any way take care of yourself, try not to take too much and remember there is always medical help out there so if you did have a change of heart, the option to go to A+E for tests is always going to be there for you.
Hugs xxx
i know.Hey thanks for that.Maybe making it a target with her wouldnt be such a bad thing, like not exactly to do it yet but to get to a point where i can/want to...cos thats the problem at the moment.That i cant/dont feel able to seek the physical treatment.Hmmm not a bad idea thanks.Though i am a bit apprechensive still.As not sure i could ever get there!But something to reach for....maybe........if it isnt so far away as i think it is.Thanks.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Kath, Kath, Kath: what am I going to do with you!? *hugs*
First and foremost you are not letting me down, ok? I have- we all have- a certain amount of responsibility for ourselves that no one else can shoulder. I am truly grateful, and feel very priviledged, for the support you have given me already and I do not expect you to keep replying. I recognise that you- that all of us- have days when we have to put ourselves first, and I shan't be at all offended if you dont reply to me.
Im sorry that you are feeling desperate. Try to find little ways to distract yourself if you can- painting your nails, doing one of the RYL game distractions, dancing madly to music (just make sure your curtains are drawn ;) ) This feeling of helplessness and depression will pass which I know doesn't make it any easier right now but try and think that each hour you get through is an hour nearer to your evenetually feeling better.
Thanks for that.But i actually like talking to you and dong PMs with people and stuff.So i just find it frustrating when i cant.You are a good friend of mine and i feel i am letting you and others down.But my energy is so low right now.But helping people is very very important to me right now as for some reason it is one of the few things that actually helps me to feel good about myself right now!Dont get me wrong i dont only do it for that reason i do it because i care but it is something i can feel good about when ive done it and that happens really with me in life no matter what i do right now so its quite important to me at the moment.
Its odd you mention about closing the curtains while dancing madly!!i know you mentioned that as a joke and yeah thanks i will try to distract myself more.i try to do this anyway but struggle with this sometimes so perhaps need to try a bit more, a bit harder.
But i was gonna say is that its ironic you mention about the curtains.As i keep them closed most of the day most of the time and then only open them for bits of days when im feeling relatively ok.And this week when ive felt really bad theyve been closed all the time.They are often closed at times i feel bad day or night.i almost cant bear to open them anymore.i feel safer with them closed.i havent opened them at all this week.i also struggle with basic things like hygeine and getting ready for bed at times.im sorry you guys probably dont want to know this and im sure it will make you think bad of me.im sorry.This is wrong,inappropriate and will make you think bad of me more than understandably.i barely change my clothes for bed anymore and i often struggle to wash myself too.
My CPN knows these things and is supportive.
i am working on them but i just feel so so bad and i know those things im working at go up and down but are often getting worse rather than better right now.
It just seems there become more and more basic things i cannot do/am not managing to do.
i have lost my dignity.It makes me feel worse about myself.And im disgusting.
Disgusting cos i cant even look after myself.
That makes me disgusting.
Bad,disgusting.
Sorry this has kind of come out of nowhere.......
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
You say that helping other people makes you feel good about yourself. Hav you thought about doing some voluntry work? I have been involved with regular voluntry work for 8 years and I have to say its done a lot more for me in terms of self esteem, confidence, social skills, rewards etc than any therapy Ive ever had. There are so many things you can do- play to your interests, like arts or sports or working with children/the elderly/ first aid you name it. I see you have anxiety so if that was too much you could always do something from home, like become a pen friend/ befriender for a charity or something. There are so many options and it might help.
Kath, what you are describing is classic depression. People with chronic depression often struggle with basic functioning- like hygiene as you put it. I mean my god, I havent brushed my hair or any thing since I got my bad news cos I just havent got the energy or motivation and I also keep the curtains drawn often. Ive barely been out of my PJs. It is not a crime, it is because you are unwell. Again maybe it would help to set yourself a mini goal with this, say I don't know, open the curtains for an extra half hour a day, or change you clothes once more extra than normal per week. Aside from any thing else, I often find that fresh clothes and a shower makes me feel fresher when I do have the energy to do it.
I know you say antidepressants haven't helped you and believe you me I can quite understand that one. But maybe trying a different antidepressant and arranging it to be prescribed by the day or something would help because antidepressants can at least help with basic functioning when used properly. I think thats what my GP wanted me to do if I dont get any better.
