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Today.
I got up at about 10-ish. Had to do some stuff with online banking. Mum found the tablets, like I said in the other thread. I only went out for a walk because I needed to wake myself. It was torrential rain, well not as bad when I went out but it got ridiculous. Walked round the block. Came in having been drenched. I think I'm missing the point. It didn't wake me up. I've been tired all day. Just now I went to take my evening Carbemazapine, accidentally dropped a tablet - half the dose. So I just had one tablet instead, for being so stupid, kack-handi don't know. ed. I knocked it out of this days part of the tablet box.
Anyway. I'm just. It's not about the tablets. I know i've typed about them. They work. I'm tired of forcing myself not to cry. Everyday. Because I'm going to cry quite a bit if i don't stop myself the times i do. It's not fair on my mum and stepdad, anyone i'm with. I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to upset my mum. I make jokes and humour of nearly everything everyday. Because I that's just how I cope now. I can feel the pressure of needing to cry alot. It's physical.
I'm trying to help only two people. The two people who mean the most. I know I can't do everyhting but i'm ok. I cope, I sleep, I eat, I function I'm fine.
I can't admit i'm not okay. Nobody in RL knows it. There's emotion and thoughts and defects and misperception and all this going wrong in my head and heart. But it's crazy the way that now. I know how to make myself seem fine.
I just want to burst into tears but not by myself.
I think i'm depressed but i don't wand anti-depressants. I want to be able to not depressed because i did it. I made life not depressing.
I do give up. I will keep going, being this. But I do give up.
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