I don't mean to waste space on here, but I just feel really awful right now and I seriously need some support. My weekend initially went pretty good - I was feeling okay for like a day - but last night just killed it and any chance that this week would be better...
I basically cut off ties with this guy I've been hanging out with/sort of dating. (My "Pseudo Boyfriend.
) Yes, that sucks, but I'm more upset about the actual conversations last night...I, of course, got drunk. I should have known from the vibes he was giving off at this restaurant we were at earlier in the evening...He was angry and being a jerk, which in turn made me upset and feel as though he didn't want to be around me. I proceeded to drink more on basically an empty stomach...
I ended up going to his place with him, and I drank a little more...Probably like 3 beers, which goes a long way considering my caloric intake was practically negative. I got more upset and self-loathing. He was telling me stuff I didn't feel like hearing and being
extremely harsh about it all
. No tact whatsoever. Let's put it this way: It got to the point where I was trying to justify my cutting and saying that I deserve it and it's okay because it's just like any other coping mechanism and it's not as if I'm trying to kill myself and blah blah blah...And he was angry at me because I get like this when I drink, he was telling me he's deleted my number from his phone, and basically told his friends I am crazy/have issues...I was crying - like doubled over head-in-my-lap-crying - and I just kept telling him to stop being so mean and to stop making me feel so bad.....I told him that I've been trying to sort things out, but it's just so hard...I feel like I'm doing it alone...I kept threatening to leave, but I didn't want to walk alone at like 2 in the morning.......And he didn't even care. He was encouraging me. He wasn't going to get me home safe. He kept telling me that if I leave, he won't speak to me again. So I stayed over. And ****! Why did I do that?!
So I got back to my place at like 7 this morning and sent him an e-mail about a half hour later telling him he wouldn't be hearing from me for awhile. His response was, "I understand. Good luck."
Who the **** says "good luck?" Seriously. I'm angry for drinking and angry about what I said - I have
never vocalized that I feel like I deserve to hurt myself to anyone
. Ever. But now I want to do it even more...Jesus, if I had a razor right now I'd be in the bathroom...I don't really care that I'm at work. And I just want to do it over and over and over and drink myself to oblivion and not eat for weeks.....I just don't care anymore...I mean, I'm apparently incapable of relationships of any kind, so why should I try to put up a facade and make people think I'm okay?
Apparently I don't deserve anyone in my life. Or to feel good. Or anything. It's just one f*ck up after another. One jerk after another, who, in some round-about way - subtle or obvious - treats me poorly and I put up with it over and over again...
I just want to disappear and not exist.
(if only I could)
