How should I continue on with my short story?

Upon walking out of the school building, Harper Raylin smiled with contentment. This was her first day at this school, and she had already set an interesting first impression. At first glance of Harper, many people had hollered and screeched in utter terror, but those shrills only gave Harper pleasure. Why would Harper enjoy making other people terrorized? The answer to Harper's insanity was that her outside and inside appearance were the same. Harper was a typical girl on the inside, drowning in secrets and gossip, but on the outside she showed her true colors. With her sky blue hair and glowing yellow eyes, Harper symbolized a monster. Not only did her ghostly white skin and self-injury scars across her body attract attention, but her outlandish clothing did too. Harper wore a rainbow of colors, tutus with enough lace for a wedding gown, and sandals with gigantic flowers covering every visible part of the shoe. A giant bow lay upon her head, and bushes of bruises were tangled on her face. With a wrist-band stating she was lesbian and scars to prove she was depressed, Harper showed that she was abnormally normal. Even though her Lady Gaga and Madonna like appearance was a spectacle, the fact that she was hurting on the inside like a typical teenage girl was a whole new sensation. Harper was not scared to show on the outside what many people, like herself, had once kept secret on the inside.

Harper's bruises originated from a source called a wall, which sadly in times of darkness, she banged her head upon. Her glowing yellow eyes were from contacts she wore, in hope that she would scare people by showing them what a true monster she was. Blue hair allowed her to think she was in the sky, free from the judgment of humanity. The rainbow of colors she wore represented the sexuality she chose not to hide, and her hope for peace and equality. For all the representation she was, Harper could have been a poster for equality and human rights. Some people saw a monster while looking at her, others saw hope and inspiration of what they dreamed could occur one day. A day where others do not judge each other for things out of self-control and anger. A day where being gay was not looked down upon, only looked at as splendid and wonderful. People who are depressed would be treated with respect, and loved for love was Harper's lost piece in her heart. If Harper could have been loved for what she had on the inside, her outside would not be as treacherous as described.

This is all I have so far... I am confused on where to go, so opinions ideas and help would be appreciated! :D

[delianaa]

i like this so far, its a really good intro and at this time i think it would be great to start introducing the story line a bit or maybe the reason as to why she moved/went to a new school. maybe a little bit of her history or her story of her life could do to. to be honest i really did enjoy it. hope there is more soon =) x

[[Purple_Rain]]

I'm going to be brutally honest, if you want to continue this story, I think it needs a lot of work.

1. I really don't think it realistic to say people 'screeched...in utter terror' - in a school setting, they would more likely just laugh at someone dressed like that.

2. You contradict yourself. You say 'she is same on the inside and the outside' yet you say she is a typical girl on the inside, and her true colours are on the outside. Typical girl does not bring up images of the person you described.
For making such an iconoclastic girl, and then to describe her usuing an awful stereotype 'drowing in gossip and secrets' doesnt really make sense.

3. 'with a wrist band stating she was a lesbian and scars to prove she was depressed'

I know no lesbian who wears a wristband stating that back. They say other things that imply it, but none that say 'i'm a lesbian!' .

Also, 'scars to prove she was depressed' - so anyone with depression who doesnt self harm hasn't proved themselves enough?! I honestly though your next line would be something like 'she made sure all her bones were showing to prove she was anorexic'

4. 'hurting on the inside like a typical teenage girl' anothe contradiction. You've mad her out to be very different, and once again are calling her typical. typical teenage girls don't self harm, for example.

5. 'harpers brusies originated form a source called a wall' - would have been much better if you'd just have said 'harper got her bruises from the wall she banged her head againts'

6. ...how does having blue hair make one think they are in the sky?

7. if you're using imagry, which I think is what you are trying to do, the whole idea is to not then explain it. An example 'it started to rain as she was leaving the graveyard' is better than 'it started to rain as she was leavign the graveyard. This meant that she was sad'

8. You over use the word monster. Also, typical teenager girls aren't monsters (in the sense you mean, anyway...)

9. "A day where others do not judge each other for things out of self-control and anger" doesn't make sense

"and loved for love was Harper's lost piece in her heart"
neither does this. i think you mean 'and loved, for it was love that harper was missing from her heart'

10. 'if harper could have been loved for what she had on the inside, her outside wouldn't have been so trecherous'

I dont think treacherous is the right word here. This is again saying that her outside and inside are different. It's also fitting the teenage stereotype 'no one understands me so I'm going to dress uniquely because no one understands'



I'm sorry if any of this is too harsh.

Thanks for the advice! I am only in 9th grade and I sometimes write rather than hurt myself... and I wrote this section right after I found out my best friend (who is a lesbian) relapsed cutting :/

[[Purple_Rain]]

not a problem :) i fyou decide to go back and change bits and want more help with it, I'd be more than happy to help :)