Triggering (SI) - When will i start again?

Badwolf853 · 27-06-2008, 12:19 AM

I used to self harm, frequently, i have a lot of horrible memories which i dont want to come back. I feel so dirty with these scars on me that i can never bear to go out in public without all my body being covered, long sleeve tshirts, baggy jeans, all of it covered

But i quit, i did so well to go cold turkey, if i got upset or angry id just throw a couple of things, have a bit of a cry, put on a dvd that made me laugh and tried to get over it

But then a couple of months ago i did it again, out of desperation, i have an extremely addictive personality and cutting just pleads in the back of my mind all the time. I did it to satisfy my human needs, maybe i regret it a little. I regret now having more scars to worry about.

And now theyre back, really screaming inside my mind, like a tug of war and by god its winning. I cant get through a day without crying or just generally being upset, people at work notice it all the time, i dont talk to anybody anymore, im pushing and being pushed away

I know i'll have to do it, soon enough. But then i get more scars. What if i meet a girl/guy? How am i supposed to explain the scars to them?? And my children, when theyre born, when theyre old enough to understand, will the trick "the dog did it" really work on them????
Sorry jimmy, when the stork bought you here with santa clause and the tooth fairy, he scratched me, naughty stork! THey wont believe it and ill live with the shame

How am i supposed to quit, ive been on and off for years now...When can i really say that ive quit when i give up after a few months of being off...

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Im ashamed to say...

Sweetest Downfall · 27-06-2008, 12:50 AM

Hey, I don't have much advice right now, my heads all over the place, I just wanted to show my support, you sound like your in a sticky position but I reckon you are strong enough to fight this
x

Badwolf853 · 27-06-2008, 12:54 AM

i really am doing my very best, i know im not alone in this fight, just wish i had some cuddles =(

Sweetest Downfall · 27-06-2008, 01:03 AM

I wish I could come cuddle you and keep you safe! You sound really I dunno scared sort of xx

Sometimes Crazy · 27-06-2008, 04:58 PM

Hiya,

*cuddles you gently* Well done for making this post, love, I'm glad you have :) You did so well going straight cold turkey in quitting SI - that's an amazing achievement! I'm sorry that you felt this need to a few months ago, though but maybe you can look at your slip up like this - can you see what triggered you at the time? Do you think you can avoid/deal with the trigger differently if it comes up again next time? What strategies helped you to avoid SI before?

Sometimes answering questions like these can help you see what triggered you and how you can help yourself to not slip up again, but remember that slip ups like the one you had are common in recovery. I hear that you are worried about what others think and how they feel over your scars and I know myself how this feels. Have you tried using Bio-oil on your scars or seeing what other options are available to help them fade? Telling your partner about your SI and showing them your scars can be hard - but taking the time to talk to them about it and maybe even giving them information about it can help a long way. As for telling children - I'm not sure what age you are but by the time you do have children, your scars will likely to have faded well. And that's before your children are old enough to ask exactly what caused them.

If you're feeling the need to see the blood again, have you tried using a red pen to draw on where you want to see it or even scribbling in red pen? I hope some of this has put your mind at rest, love. Stay safe,

xx

B-S-F · 27-06-2008, 05:16 PM

*c*u*d*d*l*e*s* you gently.
Wish I could take away your pain, and anxiety. It must be horrible for you!
Well done for posting, stay strong...thinking of you!! xxx

Badwolf853 · 27-06-2008, 06:09 PM

Ive got them on me for a reason, i put them there, so im not doing anything to fade them or whatever. Theyre my curse and it shows me what ive done and how i got through it

But when you know you wanna do more, it kinda cancels out what i just said hehe

Ive used up a hell of a load of distractions today, done pretty well so far, but now the dark thoughts begin, i might try play a happy tune on my guitar. But i cant play all night can i...

There are many reasons for me not too, but also so many reasons for me to do it. At the end of the day, if im too weak to stop myself, i'll live with it

momo432 · 27-06-2008, 06:38 PM

Hi. I just started cutting myself again yesterday, but you don't need to too!!!!
There's only a day left until the next Dr Who episode yay :)

*hugs*

xxx

Badwolf853 · 27-06-2008, 08:53 PM

im making as many distractions as i can, so i thought i'd show you all what i just made

im still fighting =)

midnight fairy · 27-06-2008, 10:32 PM

hey hun

i started cutting when things got to much and it was such a relief i did not thing of the rest and i started hiding my arms and then i started hiding myself and im not a going out person any more.

i got to work coz i have to if i dont have to go out i wont im scared of it now i stopped cutting cold turky for a year it was hard and i felt i had bad angry problems would hit my head or something like that.

i now cut again and things are bad at the moment and right now dont want to give up but like urself i worry how to explain it to anyone or my childern its a hard one but your children will love you and when it comes time to tell them i know for some reason you wil find a way and it will be ok

im sorry your having a hard time my pm box is always open as you know

keep fighting hun

take care midnight

Badwolf853 · 28-06-2008, 09:26 PM

theres no denying it anymore, ive gotta do it, just get it over and done with...

The following content has been hidden - Reason : A bit disturbing...

dont bother trying to stop me, itll be done before you get the chance.

time for my own game...=(