Just realised that the state I am in will never end. Got a mood disorder with a whacky name, self harm, alcoholic, bulimic and violent when drunk (not had a drink for 2 and a half years yeah)
. Been on my own for 3 years after 18 years of marriage, and really starting to like myself. Had a nice high period and then a low. My 18 year old son found me just sobbing, but I had a knife in my hand. I don't do anything, but it scared the hell out of him. I tried to explain to him how I feel the mass majority of the time, and he is trying to understand.
Bless him, he said "You are strong Dad, you are always here". But my reply was "What choice do I have?" Not going to harm myself ever again (even with drink). I don't have friends, my choice, but it has been safer to keep folk away. Just feeling so tired of it all. I will continue as I have 5 children that love me and really want me to be part of their life, but somedays that just doesn't seem enough.
Can't wait for the next high.
