Sorry to make a new thread. I need some advice. I am supposed to be seeing my CPN tomorrow for the last time before I go on Summer holidays from uni for 3 months with no support.
My SI has been getting worse and worse and always needs stitching etc but in the last few weeks I have started to get other really random urges. Of bad things, last night I suddenly had this urge to stab my eye out with a sharp object. I even went and got it, held it onto the white of my eye. But it's like it wasn't me, it was someone else. I sort of zoned out and 'woke up' to myself rocking and crying about the devil being in my head. And I thought I was going mad, I was so scared, it wouldn't go away or get out
. I had to get drunk, like really drunk to make it go away. I don't know what I'd have done if my friend hadn't come and sat with me. He waited all night.
My thoughts of suicide are getting stronger and more frequent. The plans are getting more involved. I keep picturing them and other random things and thoughts. I am angry with my Grandma and sister for being alive. I don't want this anymore.
But who do I tell? Is it worth telling anyone? It might go away right? I am not seeing my CPN or anyone until October now, is there really any point telling her? I don't even know her, I've seen her only once and she told me I needed to take responsibility. I don't want her to think I'm not trying or I'm making it up. What's the point of her anyway? Thing is when I see these people I smile and chat a lot, but about nothing sort of thing. I don't know why, I think it's a nervous thing.
My head just feels like a big confused dark blur, like time, reality, thoughts etc are all blended into this big mess. I don't like it, or want it anymore.
Sorry
