What else can I do?

[one_step_closer]

I've been struggling with depression for around 6 years and would really like to speed up the process of recovery but have no idea what I can do that i'm not doing, or have tried, already. Any suggestions would be fantastic. Currently I am:

• Having CBT
• Trying to socialise more
• Exercising
• Eating well
• Trying to get outside every day
• Sleeping well
• Using online self help programmes
• Keeping a blog
• Using a website to keep track of my mood
• Looking for work
• Learning new things
• Distraction techniques
• Looking for voluntary work
• Doing things that I used to enjoy; reading, playing guitar
• I no longer self harm
• Keeping in touch with my GP

In the past I have also tried:

• Antidepressants: I have just come off Prozac and all of the other types my GP has suggested are ones that I have already been on.
• Self esteem group therapy
• Counselling
• Psychiatry
• Antianxiety drugs
• Psychotherapy
• Befriending
• Support worker: I think i'd benefit from having one again but i'm applying for a job within that organisation which is the only organisation in my area that provides support workers)

I have no idea where to go from here. Things don't feel good and although i'm moving forward externally through things such as finishing uni and 'overcoming' self harm, nothing is changing inside. Does anyone have any idea of what else I might be able to try? Thank you so much.

[Diamonds.]

Eeek, I have no other suggestions, because everything your doing is PERFECT. Only thing i can suggest is get a friend that you can ALWAYS talk to. That may help a little.

Sorry im not much help

xx

[Stellata]

The best way I know through is to really address the source, the root, of the depression.

[one_step_closer]

Thank you both. Well, I guess my depression comes from my Mum dying but I think that I have dealt with that now. Although I have no idea how to be sure.

[Stellata]

What do you mean by 'dealt with'?
How does the depression effect you?
Can you identify any depression or anxiety symptoms from before losing your mum?

[Caru y Nos]

I have to agree with Stellata and the best way is to get to the root of the problem!!

[Edit: sorry, i wrote this ages ago and forgot to press post lol]

Take Care,
Josh

[one_step_closer]

Again, thank you.

Katherine, by 'dealt with' I think I mean that I can accept that she is dead and the changes that have resulted from it. Also the fact that I can talk about her without getting upset signals to me that I have moved on. Although, apart from the day after she died, I have always spoken of her death very matter of factly.

Depression just makes me feel very pessimistic and lacking in energy, sometimes. It's like life is just something to get through rather than to live and I feel that I have to hold on to living only for the sake of my brother's wellbeing. The main way I am affected by depression is through negative emotions.

While my Mum was alive I think that I might have been a little anxious due to things that were happening. I remember doing counting rituals. But I was never overly upset or anxious about was going on. In fact, I would say that I felt pretty happy.

I'd just really like to find a way through this.

[Diamonds.]

If what im reading is right, your grieving (i know that may sound stupid, as it has probably been a long time but it happens). The way i overcome grieving is by listing ALL the great things about that person, the way they made me smile.

x

[Stellata]

It's almost like you're distanced from it, yet at the same time it seeps through you profoundly?

And, this may sound weird, but overcoming her death may not include facing what her life was - and that that needs to be looked at too?

What made your life worth living from before - can you remember?

[one_step_closer]

I guess I could still be grieving, having pushed my feelings away. I never really got the chance to properly acknowledge her death because I was thrown into caring for my Dad and brother. Then I thought I had killed my Mum for a while and now I refuse to think about it. I don't know if I killed her or not. I spoke to a CPN a while ago and he made me think that I have internalised that hatred towards myself.

Things that made my life worth living were normal childlike things, which makes it harder for me to work out what I might enjoy now. I never questioned whether or not life was worthwhile, I was too young, I enjoyed life.

[Stellata]

It sounds like there wasn't an awful lot of space for you. ((hugs gently))

[one_step_closer]

I guess.

Now there is too much time for me I think. I don't know how to make the pain go away and it hurts so much. I'd like to have more support but my GP won't refer me to a counsellor, my psychologist won't refer me to a CPN, and my psychiatrist seems to have disappeared.

It's horrible to live just for those fortnightly appointments with my psychologist, which have been every three weeks recently because of public holidays.

[one_step_closer]

I have thought about bereavement counselling but feel that it's too late and would be of little help to me now. They'll only go through one of the models of bereavement and try to tell me what stage i'm at, where I think that I have possibly worked through all of that now. One of the counsellors I spoke to at uni worked with Cruse. Plus I don't think there are bereavement counsellors in my area and my GP is reluctant to refer me to a counsellor because I have a psychologist.

What you said about progressing physically is something that a CPN told me once. That if you change your behaviour then your emotions will follo. It feels like my emotions must be very far behind. Alternative therapies scare me because they involve being in a vulnerable place almost outwith your own control.

Thank you for your reply.

[Stellata]

What does control mean to you? What is being out of control? being in control? What does it mean to let go, safely?

[one_step_closer]

Those are tough questions. I guess that it means I have to be guarded when i'm around people and not express exactly what i'm feeling or let them have a big influence on me. I'd have to trust someone to let my guard down and that's not easy.