Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Sure, I'm a big, f**king ray of sunshine!!
Greetings to you in the outside world. I've spent most of my time in the virtual psych ward... I'm sorry I haven't been of much help or support...
So, why am I feeling so good (bad)?
Hmmm, mostly because I've lost all parts of the dream, heck, forget dream, just plans for the future. I've lost (for the most part) the interest in going to graduate school so I can become a mental health counselor... and actually that is what my world revolved around... Now, because of stupid, slacker choices I made I don't have a job (the one I have now... for one more day, is a university student job so...), at the end of the month I don't have an apartment... and the most exciting part of this lovely situation? I know you're all waiting in suspense to find out....
*drum role*
I, more than likely, will not be able to graduate from uni this Saturday as I f**ked myself over and am not passing (I don't think, haven't been able to talk to the instructor yet) one the required courses for the major.
Now my counselor would say it's not me it's the depression... the depression that kept me in bed most of the day staring vacantly at the ceiling fall term (or, very rarely, on the couch down stairs....staring vacantly at the ceiling), that was only slightly better winter term (at least I functioned a bit better), and all over the place this term, was almost hospitalized twice, once when my counselor called in the county folk, and once when I needed to go to hospital to get my wrist stitched... it was spurting and whatever I hit in there needed to be tied off... ewww, gross, I know, sorry. Kind of wishing I'd just not worried about it... let myself bleed out...
F**k
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
I'm sorry hunny. I know things aren't working out exactly as you wanted them but it doesn't mean you have no future, just that you may have to alter your plans for now. Your counsellor is right, this is NOT your fault. This is the depression not you or anything you have done. You are wonderful, it's the depression that sucks arse. I'm sorry have no advice but I am thinking of you and you hopefully know my PM box is always open if you want to chat or anything.
hi hun, i dont really know you. but wanted to give you some *cuddles*. like pomegranate said, this is not your fault, depression sucks. your plans may have to change but that doesnt mean you cant get to where you want to be. sorry i'm not really of any help. xxx
Oh dear. I'm a little too calm when I think about taking my blade to my wrist, pressing down hard, doing it again and again until I get it right... Damn
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
If you can stand it I'll tell you about the joys of my grad school experience. In one sentence; Being suicidal then getting sober in the middle of researching and writing my MA thesis was not fun.
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
*hugs you* please take care of yourself hun. If you have failed this course (which isn't definite yet is it?) will you have the chance to resit? Your future can still be what you wanted it to be, there will be a way for you to get there. Try to remember how much you want to be a mental health counsellor and keep going for it. It's wonderful that you have ambition, I have no idea what I want to do and I graduated two years ago! Keep the aim of that job alive in your heart and you'll get there hun. Don't let the depression win, you're stronger than it is. Please stay safe
As to retaking it, nope. See, I get financial aid or I wouldn't be able to go to school. But in order to keep that you've got to pass a minimum amount of course credits per term. And this class I'm talking about... I withdrew from it Fall and Winter term. Because I didn't pass all my credits Fall term they put me on probation for Winter term. I didn't pass all of them Winter term and so I am on my last chance... One f**king class...
As to the dream... It's already dead hun. Like, so dead I physically felt it die, I swear (to my therapists credit he didn't look at me like I was nuts when I told him that. I was once stronger then this depression... All those years... And then some time last year I became tired of fighting... I didn't realise it at the time but... *shrug*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
*UPDATE*
Got my grade for the class I was worried about... And not only passed it, but got C-... not sure how your marks go but we've got (from best to worst): A, A-, B, B-, C, C-, D, D-, F. I was only hoping for a D- or a D... Passing but lousy...
So now I'm going to finish uni... And then (should I find a job) I'll spend my days getting up, going to work, and coming back home...
I'm so stupid, I didn't feel anything when I learned I had passed... Still flat and blank and...*shrug*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Hi dear ryl daughter. You're in shock. Are you going through the ceremony tomorrow? You're probably also exhausted from exams and exhausted from fighting your depression.
cuddles you
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
Congratulations! I'm sure you will be happy that you passed, even if it takes a while to sink in. You are stronger than this depression hun and maybe once you've got it a bit more under control you'll be able to rekindle your dream. *hugs*
Damn
