Triggering (Sexual Abuse) - Just a little help

[razorblade_babi]

well, the title kinda says it really.

i just want a lil help in getting over childhood abuse and R**e as a teenager.

after these years im still haunted and cant get myself over it.

i dunno, maybe a chat about things mite help. . . .i dunno, im clutching at straws here!

X

[quautia]

Hi :)

I'm feeling a bit like you, I'm still haunted by my sexual abuse (even though it wasn't that bad, and I was 11, so hardly a child).

I want to get over it, but don't know how to stop it controlling my life. I don't like who it has made me, but I don't know how to change.

Have you had any therapy?

Sorry I couldn't be any more help.

[razorblade_babi]

hmm, id say 11 is still a child! i was 10. . .lol

ive had counselling but it was horrendously cack. . .wen i started talking, and it took weeks! she just gave me this shocked face and kept saying she was so sorry and cack. . . . hmm!

i cope well with it but then it knocks me completley out all of a sudden. hmm.

X

[quautia]

Maybe you could go back to your GP and ask for someone to talk to? Doesn't Pyschotherapy or something help abuse survivors?

[razorblade_babi]

i dont know.

i dont know anything exepct im finding it harder to deal with this. i thort it would all go away. . .but it hasnt. . .
X

[razorblade_babi]

who the hell was i kidding!time isnt no healer.

maybe the only way is the final way. . .deary me my head is like a water balloon.

it hurts :S

[quautia]

Never heard the phrase 'head is like a water balloon' - I like it!

I feel like I should be over it now. It was 10 years ago, and I'm still messed up. I'm still sleeping with every man or woman who shows the slightest interest in me. I'm still degrading myself. I'm still unable to trust. I still feel worthless, pathetic and stupid. I still feel rejected because it stopped.

I'm sorry that I'm no use. Hopefully an abuse 'survivor' will post soon. I still feel like a victim.

I've been having a lot of bad thoughts too :(

[razorblade_babi]

u r use. . .yr talking to me. . .i just need someone to talk with me, im very alone atm.no one understands.
its been 11 years since the first time and time creeps by.

(i do come out with a whole aray of random cack! actually did a weird on earlier. "im randomating u, like a darlek that exterminates". . .see, random as!)

[quautia]

I've never talked about it at length, when you had counselling, did you go into detail? Do you think it helped at all?

Sorry you feel alone. I still feel like I'm alone - like I'm the only one who has ever felt like this. I have so many messed up thoughts/feelings.

[razorblade_babi]

i couldnt go into detail. . .her face. . .it was so full of shock i couldnt handle it. . .i just freaked.and closed back up.

i have very messed up thorts and feelings too.

[quautia]

I've never talked about it in detail - I'd feel silly. While its a big deal to me, it was hardly that bad really.

I still feel so bad that I kept going back, I must have liked it or deserve it, otherwise I wouldn't have let it happen.

[razorblade_babi]

nothing u say would be silly.

there isnt any "scale" to judge how bad peoples experiences r. its a terrible thing to happen to anyone, no matter how u look at it.

i feel horrendous that i was so niave at 16 to get myslef in a dangerous situation more than once. and the fact i couldnt/ cant tell anyone.

and NO ONE EVER DESERVES IT!
(sorry for shouting :( i just feel strongly thats all. )

do u wanna pm?

X

[Katch]

Hey there, I've been through the same sort of things and would be more than happy to chat - whether i'd be any help i dont know - but i promise i would understand and listen - and you would proba bly find that the feelings you feel are pretty normal after going through what you have. I'm not a survivor yet but I do feel like i am getting that way - i just finished my post tonight of my experiences (incest -my story of silence) if you think I could help at all please let me know - PM anytime. xxx

[quautia]

I feel bad for everything I've done since the abuse.

When it started, I actively seeked out older men to sleep with me. Something like 25 guys in a short time. I calmed down a bit when I met my partner, but I still cheated on him dozens of times. I'm actually sitting here waiting for a guy I know to come round. I can't stop myself. I feel so cheap and dirty :(

[blondiebear]

I am a survivor. It took me a long time to "own" that what happened was abuse. I'm going through a workbook for adult victims of childhood sexual assault and it helps.

The perp was my mother and i've come to realize that she was doing it so I would hate my body as much as she hates hers. She failed.

My father made me not discuss it to keep peace in the house. Wife-whipped hillbilly asshole!

I have not seen either of my parents in months. I don't want to. I only live 25 miles away from them. My mother send me a little card thanking me for the mothers day card and included "I miss you." I aimed a rude hand gesture in her general direction.

I'm still working at coming to terms with it. I will have to continue to work at it; I'm obese as a defense from it.

Give yourself permission to hurt and to mourn and grieve for the child you were who was so horribly abused. I actually made myself a couple of bracelets from jet which in Victorian times was used for making mourning jewlery. I wore those bracelets for a year!

In time, you will heal.

[Yellow]

i too have been where you are.
i know what its like to freeze up in therapy.
i also know something that might help you...as it did me.
when i am struggling to say something very personal about my abuse....i simply ask my therapist to "not look at me" or "turn your head".
it feels as though im getting naked or something...and by him turning his head, i am much more able to say what i need to say. he will stay turned away until i say its ok to look at me again.
thats just a thought....but it works for me.
much love.
xxxxxxxxxx

[razorblade_babi]

thanks for that one yellow. . . i never thort of that before.

X