Triggering (SI/Abuse) - Will it end & where is the light?

[Apples]

Hi,
I'm 21 turning 22 in August & have been SI since I was 12. I have a 3yr old son & in a relationship "supposibly" I want to get out of as he trys hard to ignore all the issues and won't listen & its just not healthy for any of us. I'm not sure what to say exactly as so many things go around in my head and some days I just want to grab my head and shake it telling it to snap out of it. If only it was that easy *sigh*

My best friend tells me I'm strong I just don't see it, allot of people tell me I have potential I just don't believe it. So why am I back as this horrible state of mind once again, I can't seem to live through a year without going back to my old ways, when I go back to my old ways each time it gets worse.

In my past I have been physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually abused by a handful of my family members & my mother’s friends. Due to the custody battle with me between my aunty and mother I was made out to be a liar with every "story" I told. In the end I guess I gave up telling people as they wouldn't believe me anyway. I don't have copying skills, I'm only just trying to learn them of other people but I'm still addicted to my ways.

My recent events have showed me how far I have fallen and how close to the edge I am, and so I'm here reaching my hand out as I'm always been rejected/ignored or run away from it all. I’m not suicidal I have thought about it but today is a good day. Not too sure what a good day is but this is a day that’s better than others.

Below is the writing I did yesterday and I’ve hidden it just in case as I don't want to case anyone else the pain I go through, better to be safe than sorry as they say.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Better to be safe than sorry, just emotions in words, writing/poetry style I guess

I give up cause I have had enough I can't handle this anymore, I don't even know what this is or anything. I wanted saving but it just seems to be getting darker and darker as I drift away from everything known and unknown. I hate this and I can't find my way out.

I know it’s going to be a **** day when I wake up and I feel nothing apart from this constant unseen pressure & numbness. Just want to go back to sleep and hope to hell I wake up with a new feeling anything at all. But I know it won't happen.

All I think about is keeping me occupied with something, to make those creeping thoughts away. It’s been working for 7 days now.

I know I want to SI till it’s too far but maybe it's so someone might actually take some notice that I really am drowning, but then I feel I don't want saving I just want to leave. I don't get the point in life it’s all gone in the end so what does it matter if the end is tomorrow.

You in the mirror staring back at me with those cold blue eyes
I hate you more than ever & I just don't know why
Who are you to stare at me with nothing to say
All I see is this empty face staring back at me
Why can't you just go away & let me be

I see you tear yourself apart inside out
I turn back and look, but nothing is about
you say nothing but I hear everything you say
I could tell you it will be ok, but you know it’s all lies
You disappear when I turn the lights off & close my eyes

I have given up again now haven’t I.
each days rolls into one as I hate something without knowing
Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling hopping it will swallow me whole.
Heart racers as I move past people with so much on my mind
my hands are damp as I panic and lose control.
I can control what I eat and how deep I go.
I am so tired but yet my eyes won't close.
Please tell me what is wrong with me as I surrender now.

[Katch]

[quote]I'm not sure what to say exactly as so many things go around in my head and some days I just want to grab my head and shake it telling it to snap out of it. If only it was that easy *sigh*[quote]

Ahh if only it was that easy. I think a lot of us have felt like that quite often.
It's good that your friends think you are strong - they see you regularly so they must be right - I actually think that most of us on here are a lot stronger than we realise - we have been through a lot and we have survived this far so we must be. Hang on in there and remember there are loadsof people on here that care.

[blondiebear]

Let your friend help you find what in yourself is good. My friends have done that for me. What is good about me isnt' glamourus or sociable but there being reliable is good too.

No matter what happens, my day is not a waste if I manage to not SI and not drink and take care of my pets.

If your boyfriend is not supportive, send him on his way. You deserve better than that.

Let us help you and rescue and teach you to care for yourself!

[irkeninvader]

If you know that your boyfriend isn't good for you that's a step in the right direction. Well done on keeping those thoughts away for 7 days, keep on distracting yourself and keeping yourself safe.

If you need a friendly ear, I'll listen (or a friendly eye to read might be more appropriate) if you want to post more on here or feel free to PM me.

[Apples]

Thanks,
sadly if it was as simple as getting rid of my partner I wouldn't have half the issues. My son is involved and finace to move.I'm currently studying and looking for work.Lot of days I find I just don't care, so I dont get very far with everything.I have a few friends at tafe i dont tell anything to do and only 1 friend thats know alot but lives a distance from me and we only can chat on email or phone.She is pretty busy with her 2 kids at the moment.And if i moved i'd only have myself and my son, that scares me as I have no family in australia and only nikki (friend).

But thanks guys for the encouragment,not in the best of moods sorry.

[irkeninvader]

I don't have any words for you right now but I'll send a hug and hope that you manage to find a way out x

[Katch]

Hi there -I see that it is not possible for you to leave your partner at the moment. Try as hard as you can to beleive there is a better future ahead of you - you may need to push yourself hard at the moment to find work - and you may not feel like it but it will be worth it - so really try.
You say 'And if i moved i'd only have myself and my son, that scares me as I have no family in australia and only nikki (friend).'
I know that is scary but it is possible that you would be better of for a while like that - you would be releiving yourself of the problems he causes you and it might give you the time and space that you need to concentrate on yourself. I know it can't happen now but it might be worth a thought for the future. Take care of yourself.

[Apples]

Thanks Katch,irken,
I have a job interview next tuesday & luckly I got my new interview cloths/shoes last week.

I know I have to move but when we moved 5minutes around the corner last time it was $998 and well prces have gone up,but yes im only moving stuff i reeally really need but still going to be hard.

Some days are just hard to do anything at all.Just hope I can get throught this interview without feeling so unworthy of the postion.

Thanks again :)

[Katch]

good luck with the interview - you wouldn't be going for the job if you didn't think you could do it - so go in there with your head held high and know that you deserve it. You may have your problems in life and ways of coping with them that others dont always understand - but that doesn't make you a bad person - there's some people i know who have had an easy life but they are quite arrogant and selfish individulas - I know who I'd rather have working for me - someone like you...
Really good luck to you.

[irkeninvader]

I'm glad you've got an interview, well done! Good luck! Keep us updated with how it all goes :)

[Apples]

Heya's

I went for that interview and it was a real let down as they were very unproffesional & basicly a company of 4 billion dollars well it was disappointing. I had 5 other interviews 1 didn't match me and one i was second candidate if the first didn't work out and the others havent got back to me. I had my last interview yesterday for a panel meeting which I think went pretty well.

I had an hour apointment with doc 2 weeks ago and it took hour half to finish doing the mental health plan our government does. Been labeled with post trumatic stress disorder & anxiety disorder & good old depression :(

I hate labels, have avoided them for so long till my best friend (used to be my case worker) said if I didn't do anything she woud have to ring the hosipital in the end, so it scared me, I hate hospitals more.

I'm on SSI medication & it seems ok I guess apart from the fact I think their the cause of me sleeping alot & no motivation but I'm not sure. I'm not going to study anymore due to the fact I hate payroll that I'm doing & can't be bothered. Which is sad as I want to do study.
Think its been 2 weeks on the medication I haven't been good which is a let down but I'm alive thats the main thing I guess you could say.

At the moment brisbane where I live is like $300 a week for rent which I can't pay on my own & I dout I could save for home loan on my own either with my son.Alot of rental agencys won't take single parents. So I have given up on that idea see myself stuck in this stupid fricken relationship that isn't even a relationship.Least I don't have to explain my arms he ignores it.

I'm traped in myself I'm trap in real life & I just hate it & I hate myself more.I'm being nice to everyone around me don't have the energy to be other wise.

Sorry for the vent hope you guys are all ok, *picks flowers for you all*

Apples

[irkeninvader]

*hugs* don't be sorry for venting. I'm sorry you're going through so much. I hope you hear back from your other interviews soon! Take care