Triggering (SI/OD) - To tell, or not to tell... Triggering (ED) *UPDATED*

~*forever_broken*~ · 26-11-2007, 06:43 PM

I've got a week to decide this...good thing too because I'll probably change my mind half a dozen times during the next week.
See, I can't decide whether or not to tell my counselor about my OD last Thursday. No one else knows, other than you lovely people. I didn't call poison control, didn't go to hospital or anything like that. I wasn't all that concerned about it.
He's the only person I'd consider telling...I've got a meds appointment at the end of the week but I don't want to tell her. The only reason I'm stuck deciding whether or not to tell him is for some reason I remembered the other day the gal who sat in on our first session (he's an intern so I guess it's standard procedure) really stressed that I've got to be honest. Now I've been pretty good about that..but only with things he's asked about. I'm pretty good at leaving other relavent stuff out (like my restricting and purging)...

Sorry. Don't know why I wrote this. Guess I'm hoping y'all will give me a push in one direction...

Pomegranate · 26-11-2007, 07:00 PM

hey sweetie, I think you should tell him. The girl was right, they can only help you if you are willing to be honest with them and taking an OD is quite an important thing to miss out. I know telling them probably seems really hard but you can do it. They need to make sure they give you the right kind of help.

I hope it goes ok *huge hugs*

Thinking of you
Emma xx

pea soup · 26-11-2007, 07:19 PM

hi there Ally...

i know it will be hard but i agree that telling him is for the best.
much love.
xxxxxxxx

hammy · 26-11-2007, 07:27 PM

they're right, telling him will be hard and probably quite emotional for you, but in the long run it's much better to do so. Taking an OD is dangerous as you know, and it would be so much better if you could have someone to really support you through this. You dont have to suffer alone.

take care xxx

blondiebear · 26-11-2007, 08:04 PM

Do tell. The more they know the more they will be able to help you.
Hugs

~*forever_broken*~ · 27-11-2007, 02:27 AM

*tear*
Never ask a question that
1) You already know the answer to
and
2) You don't really want to KNOW the answer to

Thanks for the advice y'all, I know you're right...I just...
God, I'm such an idiot. I'm...I don't know, scared (?) to tell him...I'm not looking forward to the questions, especially the 'why' question. I don't KNOW why...I needed to do something so I did it. I thought about it the entire drive home from my aunts (45 min)...I think maybe even before that. I got home and calmly did it. Then went about the rest of my night.
And I don't want him to freak out on me or anything...if asked if I would do it again I'd have to say I don't know...maybe...probably. Then what's going to happen?
*tear* just thinking about it makes me want to cut...or take too many pills again :s
How in the world did I get so ****ed up? And why does God make me continue in this life like this?

...

Pomegranate · 27-11-2007, 05:14 AM

hey honey, I have no words right now I just wanted to say it is natural to be scared and I really do hope it goes alright for you. Will reply more tomorrow.
Take care *hugs*

Emma x

~*forever_broken*~ · 27-11-2007, 09:40 PM

Thanks Emma *half-hearted smile*
Well I didn't OD again but I did cut deeply enough that I should have gotten stiches...am trying to keep it closed with a butterfly bandage and it's a pain in the butt.
Ugh, I'm SO stupid... I know I should tell him... I probably will...but just idea makes me want to cry...and makes me despair the fact that I can't (cry that is)...
Sorry for the pitty-party :s

Thanks again all.

*snif*

hammy · 27-11-2007, 09:47 PM

Hello Ally

I'm so glad that you mannaged not to OD. I am sorry though that you had to cut yourself. Is it too late to get stitches now if you need them? As long as you take care of yourself.
Sending you sympathy and hugs and some smiley faces

.

I know it sounds daunting having to tell your counsellor something that you ususally try your best to hide, but telling him/her could help you so much. You need supportive people around you right now and they can do that best if you allow yourself to open up. Sorry I know its easier for me to sit here and say all this, I do understand. I just would hate for you to OD again when it could have been prevented.

much love
hammy xxxx

blondiebear · 28-11-2007, 02:06 AM

Hammy said it so well.
You're not going to freak out the counselor.
Sending a cherishing hug your way

~*forever_broken*~ · 28-11-2007, 04:30 AM

Thanks hammy, Susan. Susan you're truning out to be like my RYL mom ;). Kind of nice I'll have to admit :)
Argh. On top of all this I had an absolutly lousy day at work... Some jerk came through my line (I make sandwiches at the university dining hall here) and was totally insinsitive. I was cuting some bread for him and came close to my finger. Jokeingly said 'Almost cut my finger off, that wouldn't be good'. He said no and then said 'Looks like you've already started on your arms'!!! I didn't know what to say! I just kept making his sandwich and smiled weakly when I gave it to him. I wanted to die!! (We have to wear t-shirts at work so my scars and cuts are visible)
I felt awful...considered taking another OD today because of everything...haven't and probably won't so I don't have to fess up to another when I finally do have another counseling session...not till Monday and I didn't have one last week either...*tear* I suck...I can't believe I've become so...I don't know, dependent on all of this (counseling and the like)...

blondiebear · 28-11-2007, 04:47 PM

Hmmm. Twenty four subtracted from 41 equals 17? If I may, i'd rather be your big sister. Glad to be of service. Thanks for that!

What happened to the cat scratch or thorn bush quips? Tell them that while you were on the wet side of the mountains for Thanksgiving that you had an encounter with a predatory raspberry vine?

Back in the days when I was working at a fast food place when I was an undergrad, one of the customers told me that I'd had a run in with a cat, right? Yeah, I just didn't tell him the name of the cat.

Is there any chance you can wear a long sleeve T-shirt under your uniform T-shirt?

I've been in and out of therapy, mostly in, since I was 11 years old! Don't worry about being dependant on it. This world is a rude weird place and so many people are clueless idjits.

Hang in there!
Love, Susan

~*forever_broken*~ · 28-11-2007, 05:12 PM

Lol ok fine ;)...gee I gotta find an RYL mom, sounded nice. But, speaking from experience, big sisters can be very close to the same thing.

Hehehe, well, maybe a blackberry bush ;) (can you say 'everywhere'?)? Usually it's no big deal... I mean, it's obvious what it is so most people don't ask...if they do they usually take 'nothing' for an answer...and if they don't I'll usually either just repeat 'nothing', or just tell them (teach them to ask again). But for some reason what he said made me feel just awful...I guess maybe it seemed like he thought it was a joke...or that he was just making such a flipent comment about a very serious subject...ugh, I still feel lousy just thinking about it.
Periodically I do wear a long-sleeved shirt under my work t-shirt...but it gets in the way and can drag through the food so I rarely do...
*sigh* oh well it's not like I'm the only one that's had to deal with the insensitivity of others (Susans stories a good example)...

hammy · 28-11-2007, 06:32 PM

some people can be so insensitive or just plain ignorant. I dont normally say this about people as I like to see the best in people rather than the worst, but I have to say I have also had problems with my scars on show in the world.

Just to warn, next part could trigger...

One particulary senstive work collegue (in a doctors surgery no less), grabbed my wrist while I was typing and wrenched me around so she could take a good look at the red raw gash that lines the inside of my wrist. I felt humiliated. Even more astounding though was when she asked me 'why have you got a scar there, what happened?'.........words failed me, I mean it's fairly obvious what I have done. She asked me was it from an operation, or was I part of some new cult!

After that I started using makeup to take the edge off, and wore long sleaves when I could. But now I just find it too much effort to do and believe that if people dont like what they see then that's their problem. I do understand though that this kind of stance on the whole thing is a hard one. It takes time to come to terms with your scars and you should not rush yourself. Do what you find comfortable.

Hugs, sorry that you had to go through that at work.
xxx

~*forever_broken*~ · 28-11-2007, 07:31 PM

Thanks hammy, for sharing.
*shakes head*
I don't understand...do they really not know? Is it so hard for them to handle that they can't allow themselves to recognize it for what it is? And if they do...I don't see how anyone can think that commenting on it the way that guy did was appropriate.

*sigh*

Pomegranate · 28-11-2007, 08:34 PM

hey hun, I am sorry you had a bad day, that guy sounds like a jerk and it was really inappropriate but to be honest he probably wasn't actually TRYING to upset you (although I know that doesn't help). I don't know if they realise what the scars and cuts are, I imagine they do but maybe they just don't know how to deal with them. I don't know and I'm rambling lol.

Well done on managing not to take another OD but I'm sorry you had to SI. Hows the wound now?

*hugs* take care of yourself hun and try not to worry too much about seeing your therapist

Emma x

~*forever_broken*~ · 28-11-2007, 09:45 PM

Thanks Emma. I suppose he COULD have been joking though he sounded like he knew what they were. *shrug* I'd think you'd err on the side of caution though when it comes to stuff like that...
Wounds holding togeather though it's probably the one to give me the most trouble and worry...should have not cut as deep or done it so that I could still have gone to the health center at uni and have them sew it up...ah well, the best laied plans...
Talking to my counselor... *shudder* at least I've got a few days till I have to do that I guess...

blondiebear · 29-11-2007, 02:38 AM

Okay, I'll be your RYL mom. I'd be honored to do so. I just didn't want to get too proud or anything.

Besides, I did start husband hunting at the tender age of 14.

Actually that customer I encountered at the fast food restaurant was being diplomatic. He didn't want to know that (as ugly as it was) it was anything but cat scratches. The wounds were superficial. I can't go into more detail for fear of tip sharing. If I'm to be a RYL mom, I have to set a good example. *giggle*

I didn't remember if it was raspberry or blackberry. I remember seeing them all along those waterfall parks on the Oregon side of the Columbia River. I think here I'd say a predatory cactus. I do understand about the long sleeves. I'm wearing a sun shirt whenever I go outside during the day and I can't say I like it. I like sunscreen even less. Fingerless gloves have been back in fashion too, but I don't know if they would work in food service. I have a pinched ulnar nerve that affects the outer two fingers of my right hand and sometimes I wear a brace for it. I find a fingerless glove covers the brace so all the velcro on it doesn't snag or catch on anything.

It is started to look like there's no point for me to scarify. The cuts I made September 13 are healed but there are still marks. My girlfriend had me get some cap sleeve shirts so I could dress more feminine. I'll just have to watch when and where I wear them. I usually wear twill shorts or jeans and a souvenier T-shirt or an oversize men't T-shirt to fit my broad shoulders.

It's been my experience that people who don't SI or have some addiction just don't understand. They don't see the world the way we do.

Be good to yourself,
Love, Susan

taylordurden · 29-11-2007, 02:59 AM

Ally, telling your counsellor entirely depends on whether or not you're planning on doing it again. Are you?
And as far as people commenting at work.... yeesh. It's never fun but as blondiebear said they normally don't have any idea about what it may mean. Best thing is to either just bullshit them (I was attacked by a cat/dog/bear(if you work the humour angle)) or just give it to them straight. Unless of course that would affect your job (have'nt re-registered for awhile so don't really know anyone on here!)
My god that was a lot of brackets.

~*forever_broken*~ · 29-11-2007, 03:35 AM

Yay! *jumps up and down and hugs Susan*
I've got a mom.
Yeah, blackberrys are all over here. My family and I got a kick out of it when a neighber new to the North West talked about wanting to but a blackberry vine! We always try and get rid of them.

Oh...misunderstood your story.
Anyway they guy didn't come through today...I was glad. I'm just going to try and not be so selfconcious about my cuts/scars...it'll help when I can take the butterfly bandage off the one cut...then again it's one of the unbandaged cuts that people have been noticing.

taylordurden... I can't honestly say that I WOULDN'T do it OD again... I've considered it a few times since last week...
I know I SHOULD tell him...I'm just so unsure about what his reaction will be and what I'm coming up with I don't like...I'm scared, I think. If I don't KNOW I'm going to do it... I don't want to tell him...god, I'm so stupid.
*tear*