Triggering (Substance Abuse) - i've grown up and i miss being an irresponsible adolecent

[Eir]

its been six months since i've gone beserk on alcohol and/or drugs.
i've been more responsible, grown up, thinking about the consequences of actions more.
its been six months since i've abused my prescription dexamphetamines. six months since i've actually taken them at all. longer since i've gone drinking to get drunk.
the other weekend i wanted to do an all night movie night with dexies. but i changed my mind cos i had to see my parents the next day.
i miss being irresponsible about these things. i miss getting drunk, i miss the speedy feeling, i miss seeing the sun come up on no sleep. i miss forgetting to eat.i miss the clarity of dexie induced awareness.
and now that i'm starting to go on a slide back into my mental illness, i miss not being me, being off my face.
and i'm tempted.
i don't know if i will do them again, i don't even know if i can get them again.
i'm tired of being responsible, of being grown up.
i want to stay up all friday and saturday then sleep all sunday.
i just dont know...
i dont even know why i'm posting

[blondiebear]

There are times I look at someone drinking in a restaurant or talking about drinking to relax. But I never did it that way. For me a drink is a short fast trip to hell.

Sometimes being responsible is a chore. If you do stay away from the stuff, you will be taking care of yourself. You won't have a hangover. You won't feel bad because you slipped.

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is take care of ourselves.