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Triggering (Abuse) - Are there more like me?
Growing up as a child in my house was extremely difficult for me. I never had a constant steady supporting household. I moved every 3-5 months growing up and had no parents around to help me grow up. I feel that living with my grandpa has caused me to grow up and be more mature than I have ever been. In the 1 and a half years I've been here I have matured 3 or 4 years in mentality. Up until a few months ago I felt like I was still 16/17 when in actuality I am 20.
My parents got divorced when I was 4. My mother got custody of me and my younger brother(a year and a few months younger than I) due to my father being a violent alcoholic. I found out that he and my mother are also both recovering coke addicts. My dad still smoked pot a lot and has smoked with me, which I feel is irresponsible as a parent. My father used to encourage me to drink, saying it will get rid of my depression. I have been depressed, over analytical (analyzing everything to the t), and very very anxiety prone. For example, I lost an english book in like 6th grade and stayed up all night for several days worrying, and thinking about what was going to happen to me. I thought I was going to get hit and in deep trouble. No kid should have to fear that, especially over something as little as misplacing a book, kids do it all the time.
I raised my little brother, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, getting he and I up for school and breakfast in the morning, walking to school with him, waiting for him outside his classroom after school instead of playing with my friends like all my other peers. My mother worked 2 jobs and we stayed in a 1 bedroom apartment for a little while. But like I said, I never stayed in one spot for more than a few months until I was 10. I can count 17 different houses/apartments/duplexes that I lived in as a child. For example, Kindergarder I went to Benton Harbor, 1st grade- Lakeshore, 2nd grade- lincoln elementary(st joe), 3rd grade- brown school elementary(st joe), 4th grade- lincoln elementary(st joe), 5th grade- brown school elementary(St joe), 6th-8th grade- upton middle school(st joe) I moved 4 times while in middle school, 9th-12th grade- St joseph high school(st joe) moved 2 times and finally stayed in a nice house while in high school. All these moves that I stated arent including the 6 houses my dad has had in my life. One of those houses even includes the house I currently live in. My dad moved into my grandpa's house for a few months after his 2nd divorce.
Court Ordered until I was 17 stipulated that I had to visit my father, with my brother, every wednesday night(5-9) and every other weekend. Like I previously stated, my father was an abusive alcoholic and he has drank everytime I have ever been with him, even on holidays. He was even smashed when he dropped me off to rehab. Like me he also smokes pot often and he was a bad cokehead too I found out after my parents found out about my problems. He also was a drug dealer like me
At the age of 6 my father remarried a woman named Maggie, who also had 2 boys (strange to know that they were our same ages.. ryan was adams age and reed was my age) and like my father she was an alcoholic too.
Now I don't know if you know this, but you probably do, alcoholics are extremly critical, mean(making fun of me), and just plain dicks. My dad was all of those and very physical torwards me. He used to make me arm wrestle him starting at the age of 8 and would squeeze my hand really hard. No doubtly he would kick my ass and hurt my arm, it felt like he would rip it off every time. He also would beat me with a belt, smack me, punch me in the arms, chest, leg or back, back hand me in the back of the head. I also was forced to stand in the corner, not making a sound, for hours on end if I was a smart ass or talked back.
Because my dad used to hit me and my brother it made me very violent and angry person. I started lifting weights and playing football at 10 because I was so angry all the time. Lifting weights and playing tackle football was a way for me to channel my pain and hate into making me stronger, bigger, tougher, and got to hit people to release it. I liked hitting people, and football was my way of taking out agression on others without getting into trouble. Prior to football I spent a lot of time in the principle's office for fighting in school. Once I started playing football, I became happier. I never told anyone about what my dad did to me, I thought it was my fault because he always blamed me for everything. Now I know that why I played football was wrong, you shouldn't want to hurt people, I was just like my dad.
At the age of 15 I could beat my dad and I was benching around 225 pounds and I only weighed 180 at almost 6 ft. Senior year I was 6' 2" 265 pounds benching 450 pounds, squatting 800 pounds, leg pressing almost a ton. I had a full ride scholorship for football and academics (32 on my ACT, 36 is perfect, and a 1520 on my SAT, 1600 was perfect) to western michigan university, grand valley state university, and I had even gotten into University of Michigan( my dream school ) and was welcome to many other schools but I blew them all off because I was selling large quanities of cocaine and marijuana and had a gf of 3 years.
So what I am getting at is, are there any other people out there that believe their childhood, how they were raised(their environment), and their relationships with their parents were a large part of why they used and became addicts? If so tell me your story, I'd lke to know Im not alone
chad
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