Triggering (Suicide) - Everyones looking at me

[so_confused]

I left a message on the introductions forum. A couple of members said I should start a new thread on the serious discussion forum. So here goes...Erm Im not sure where to start but I guess I should start where I knew I had a real big problem. About three weeks ago I left my home to take my own life. Theres been lots of things that have happened to me in the past and I think they've all just mounted up into one big thing thats made me feel so shit. I constantly feel paranoid outside my own house. I feel everyones looking at me, judging me, and talking about me! I feel constantly anxtious when Im on my own, like something bad is going to happen to me. I've had to give up work and I dont even know if Iv'e ever got a job to go back to. This is really stupid and I bet no one else feels like this. The most silly thing Iv'e had trouble with, is actually leaving work. Ok, its time to leave work, and for ten mins im constantly trying to leave the building. But am scared to leave. Why? Im not exactly sure why. Im scared to walk past the people I actually work with! I dont know why? Incase they think something or say something. This is a real bad problem, its affecting my life and Im at the end of my tether. I cant speak to strangers. I cant even go to the shops because Im scared. Its so hard to try and explain. I really want to go and see my friend at work today but am too nervous to go on my own! I cant even meet my friends in the pub because Im too frightened to enter the pub on my own. I have to get them to meet me outside!! This is madness! The only memories I have as a child, are of me thinking im not normal. Because I was constantly told I wasnt by my family, doctors...and forever being bullied at school. And since then I have lost the only man I have ever truly loved, been told I was possibly raped, and lost all my friends through this ordeal. Im thinking is all this whats made me the paranoid, depressed, low self esteemed person without no confidance I am today? I think maybe. Is there anyone out there that has similar feelings or can relate to any of this in any way?
Thankyou...
so_confused

[Strict Machine]

Hello So_Confused, and welcome to RYL.

I can really relate to what you're saying. About 8 months ago I had to give up work because I couldnt cope with the pressure. Since then, I have become somewhat of a recluse. I have suffered from depression and anxiety almost all my teenage years. I have some form of anxiety dissorder and frequently suffer from panic attacks. I dont go out unless it's for medical appointments or on the rare occasion to church (the only place outside my home I ever have a chance of feeling safe in). What I have is agorophobia (I've inserted a link to Wiki on the subject - you may find useful) and paranoia.
I'm taking meds for the paranoia which were quite easy to aquire by seeing a psychologist. The Adult Mental Health Service SHOULD offer me therapy to deal with my agorophobia (and other issues), however I'm currently on a waiting list.
Agorophobia and feeling agorophobic is certainly not stupid. Many people experience it and it can affect people of all ages. It doesn't mean that you are an anti-social person either - most of the time I spend wishing I could socialise and go out etc.

I hope this has helped. I'm here all day - as always, so if you have any questions dont be affraid to ask ^_^

[so_confused]

Oh right. Thanks I'll take a look. I havent managed to see a councelor yet as I am also on a waiting list. Should I see my doctor about this you think or should I ask to be referred?

[so_confused]

I have just looked at the link you gave me to agorophobia. And clicked on the 'social phobia' link. This is exactly howI feel aswell. It says ppl with this condition often use alcohol or drugs to reduce fears and inhibitions. I do that. I am constantly getting myself drunk when out in pubs or clubs so I dont feel as anxtious. I even thought about (and nearly did) drink a bottle of vodka before I went to work one day so I would feel more confidant. I am going to print this information out and give it to my doctor. I hope I can be given the support I need and the necessary medicine. I never knew this was a ''condition'' and never knew other ppl suffered from it. I think its gotten to the point where I am suffering from depression aswell so the condition is worse. I am on anti depressants, but maye they wont work I dont know. I am so worried about this. I just want a normal life, where I can go out where I want and feel ''normal''. Not be afraid to get on the bus or train or to walk into a pub or shop.
Thankyou strict_machine. Has it got easier for you since being on the medication?

[green.eyes]

talk to your doctor about it, they mught even be able to push you up the waiting list. in the meantime, dont be too hard on yoursel-think of it this way- everyone is terrified of something- for you its these social situations you described. i often feel like people are watching me/know what i'm thinking so i can relate a little.
do things you feel comfortable doing for now and make sure you stay safe. if you feel suicidal go to A and E and ask to speak to the on duty psyhologist.
you are NOT abnormal (if normal even exists), you have a phobia which is not your fault.
take care
PM me anytime
*hugs*

[Stellata]

I can also relate. On really bad days, especially. I have been known to hide behind my hair from work colleagues I know and trust when I'm in my right frame of mind, as it were. When I'm having a bad day I am constantly flinching inside and outside. It really is hard to live with. But over time, with help, it gets more manageable to live with and around, if that makes sense.

For me, it's because I was bullied [which included physical assault of various kinds, as well as constant humiliation and ridicule] and emotionally abused by my father, as a child and teenager. When I get as terrified as you describe, I'm dissociated to a past reality. It's like a constant flashback that hardly ever lets up.
Therapy really helps me stay observant and able to carry myself through the extreme anxiety. Medication helps, too.
Maybe you're scared of leaving work because, even though you're scared there too, it's at least some kind of known situation that is moderately safe? I have often felt really sad and scared to leave work at the end of a day, and to go out into the street around people who don't know me and who can see how ugly I feel I look, and maybe laugh at me. It helps me to keep an internal dialogue with myself, reassuring and soothing myself through the hard times, and encouraging myself to keep going, even when it's hard, and not to over exert myself, like using a smaller shop when Sainsbury's freaks me, or walking home when I can't bear the bus, or getting the bus when I feel I need a safe space - when the bus isn't crowded of course...

Anyway, forgive the ramble... You're not alone.

[Strict Machine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by so_confused

This is exactly howI feel aswell. It says ppl with this condition often use alcohol or drugs to reduce fears and inhibitions. I do that. I am constantly getting myself drunk when out in pubs or clubs so I dont feel as anxtious. I even thought about (and nearly did) drink a bottle of vodka before I went to work one day so I would feel more confidant.

I do this too. Almost every social function I go to where there's alcohol - I'll drink it. It's quite dangerous, because I dont know my limit at all and I'm on lots of prescribed meds, which I really shouldnt mix with booze anyway. Last time I went out I came back as a zombie - I cant remember half the night. Who knows what could have happened to me if I wasnt surrounded by people who love me. Everyone was really worried about me apparently.

Quote:

Originally Posted by so_confused

I am going to print this information out and give it to my doctor. I hope I can be given the support I need and the necessary medicine.

That is an excellent idea. I really hope you can get the support you need too.

The paranoia (thoughts that people were talking about me, planning to hurt me) have disappeared, although I do still worry that people are judging me. I honestly feel in my case that I need some form of therapy to help me with my actual problem of agorophobia, which is just not available to me at the moment (slooooow Mental Health Service...).

A close friend of mine also suffered from agorophobia for about 5 years and medication helped her. Although she never had any therapy, she's beaten it and is now living a health "normal" (as green.eyes said) life. There is definatly light at the end of this tunnel ^_^

*hugs for you and Stellata*

[so_confused]

Wow I thought I was the only person out there! I really hope that I can get this sorted. I spent an hour getting changed again and again the other day cos I thought people would laugh at my outfit! And as Stellata said, I was also buled all of my life so theres alot of self esteem that needs replacing. Im going out this weekend. I will have to drink loads before I go out (but in time hopefully I wont have to!) and Im going out with someone I can trust so think I'll be ok. I just love the confidant, fun and bubbly person I am when I've got a drink inside me!! Wish I could be that person always. Im having a good day today I think. Thankyou everyone this is so reasurring to know Im not alone. Sian xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Strict Machine]

Quote:

Originally Posted by so_confused

I will have to drink loads before I go out (but in time hopefully I wont have to!) and Im going out with someone I can trust so think I'll be ok. I just love the confidant, fun and bubbly person I am when I've got a drink inside me!! Wish I could be that person always.

I dont want to be a hypocrite (sp?) because I can totally relate to what you're saying - but try and keep safe hun.

Remember to update us (if you want to) once you've visited the docs ^_^

[so_confused]

I will strict_machine! Thankyou, I will update everyone when Ive been. Anyone else that feels like we do-please comment on here! I didnt know this was an actual condition, so feel free to chat about it. It really helps to know your not alone! :) xxx

[identity]

i get like this lots. i cant have my back to people because i think they r all staring at me and talking about me and i need to see it otherwise i cant relax. i dont leave the art room at lunch or break when im at school. im not good at walking anywhere or doing anything on my own because i think evreyone is looing at me. it really stops me going out with friends. i get bad panic attacks and get really nervous and scrath. i drink to before going out or lots when im out just so i can relax a little and not feel like evreyone is judging me. i just think that people think why the hell is he out, she doesnt deserve to be out... err look at her shes so fat and ugly etc...
i hate it....
thanks for suggesting i look here so confused.
hope your ok
x

[Strict Machine]

Although I'd never wish Agorophobia/Social Phobias on anyone, I've found it somewhat comforting to know I'm not alone too. Perhaps we should start a special thread for all the Agorophobics and ppl with Social Phobias? We need to raise awareness and show everyone with these issues they're not alone.

Identity, I can totally identify with what you're saying. Going to the shops has become such a huge issue for me. I feel like people look at me and think "she's too ugly to shop here" or judge me on the things I buy etc.

I never knew the drinking was a classic "symptom" (if you'd call it a symptom). Now I've thought about it more as a symptom (and especially after the last time I went out and got smashed) I think I want to stop drinking excessively.

Do any of you smoke for anxiety? I used to smoke but I gave it up for health reasons. Totally not recommending it here, just wondering if anyone else used it as a coping mechanism in public.

[ERADicator]

I kind of have this problem. When I want to go out and buy CDs or something I never want to go on my own; I'll always ask my mom to drive me there.
I can drive (I drive on my own to college everyday) but I just feel insecure when I'm on my own among strangers. My college friends I know well enough and I feel safe there because they like me and I can talk to them but in malls and big places I always think I would feel afraid.

Just today I went to a printing place on my own though. Usually I go with someone else who has to do some printing so I don't have to go in on my own.
I wasn't even aware that I was on my own among strangers there. It's weird thinking about it since it's so not me.

It's never seriously affected my mental health though or been a big problem (yet).

I used to be nervous at college and listen to music on my mp3 player all the time so people wouldn't come talk to me but now I don't listen at all and interact more with people and it's really helped me to become more sociable and confident.

I hope you get the help you need to overcome your issues!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Strict Machine

I never knew the drinking was a classic "symptom" (if you'd call it a symptom). Now I've thought about it more as a symptom (and especially after the last time I went out and got smashed) I think I want to stop drinking excessively.

Do any of you smoke for anxiety? I used to smoke but I gave it up for health reasons. Totally not recommending it here, just wondering if anyone else used it as a coping mechanism in public.

I've never been an excessive drinker; never been a drinker at all really. I've stopped drinking altogether because there is no point in it for me and seeing other people drink to forget their problems isn't great to watch. I prefer to deal with things without any substances.
I've never smoked either. I'm glad I made these choices in my life because it is easy to become addicted to and dependent on the wrong things.

[so_confused]

Yeah I do...I have to have a couple of drinks inside of me or I feel sick, but I do smoke yeah. Yeah I think we should make this condition known. If it hadnt of been for you telling me Strict_Machine, I wouldnt of known it was an actual ''condition''. How would we spread awarness? I think many people are suffering from this but dont actually realize it. Some quite lightly, but some also badly like me and you...xxxx

[so_confused]

Thanks eradicator! I wish I was less affected like you are. But I do think more people suffer from this than we think..xxxhope you are ok!! xxx

[Strict Machine]

Tells you what, I'm in a pretty creative/active mood. I really feel fired up for making a thread for people with Agorophobia and SP. I'm gonna do a little more research and then write one up. Then I'll PM it to you and you can tell me what you think!

[so_confused]

Hi strict machine yeah I really think we should spread the word on this. xxx

[Born Wrong]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Strict Machine

Do any of you smoke for anxiety? I used to smoke but I gave it up for health reasons. Totally not recommending it here, just wondering if anyone else used it as a coping mechanism in public.

I do, i use them like a security blanket.. if I'm feeling nervous and uncomfortable i would normally light up, though not really a good thing since i only have panic attacks if i have been smoking prior to that moment, I'm guessing that's linked to the research they have done linking cigarettes to anxiety, so instead of doing the smart thing and quitting i some how learnt when i can and cant smoke depending on my location and surroundings.

[so_confused]

Yeah, I guess smoking kinda ''gives you something to do''. If Im feeling vunerable, I normally get on my mobile and call someone. So if people see me actually ''doing something'' they wont come up to me and judge me. I think people want to seem like thy're ''busy'' to escape from everyone. I know I do...xxx
PS
NEW THREAD ON THIS CONDITION NOW BEEN ADDED...xxxxxx