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Triggering (SI) - Rolling over and playing dead? Their fault... (so long sorry)
Do you do any of this?
Roll over and play dead. When someone tells you that you can't do something, you just roll over and play dead. You think that well you're obviously only in the way. You're obviously the problem in everybodies life. If you die then all those problems go away. No body really cares anyways, if they say they do, they're just pretending. So you should kill yourself. Yep. Would make them all feel better. No one cares about you. Roll over and play dead.
Blame everyone else for you self harm? If they had only listened. If they hadn't do that. It's all their fault you do this. ALL THEIR FAULT! As if it makes it okay. If you blame them, it can't be your fault. You didn't want to do this. They made you.
I use to do this. It was all their fault. Nothing was ever good enough for them. Do you do it? Do you say it's their fault?
I wasn't getting better. I couldn't see past the pain. All there was was pain. Nothing but darkness with red streaks. Nothing bright. In my world the light had disappeared. Bright? I didn't know what bright was. Everything was dulled. The sunlight? I didn't know what that was. I never left my room. My whole world revolved around the internet and sleeping and... self harm. I was just waiting to die. There was no other purpose for me to be around.
Then I stepped outside myself... found a youth centre with the most amazing people and began that long climb back to the light. I couldn't find it though. No matter how hard I worked the light would flash a little... taunting me, then disappear back into that everlasting darkness. It got to the point where all I could feel was pain. So I tried to kill myself. Over and over again. I didn't die though. I can't take paracetomol anymore without making myself hideously unwell, but I didn't die. So I started to think... With a blade. I would cut and cut. Two different doctors surgeries refused to stitch me up anymore, because the scar tissue was so bad, each stitch was a risk of me losing... my arm. The infections were constant and I still couldn't quite get past that pain.
Then came the day. The day it was confirmed that my boyfriend (ex boyfriend now!!!!) was cheating on me. And had been doing so for most of the time we'd been together. He'd been cheating on me with his ex girl-friend. The mother of his child (SKANKY F*CKING HO!) and the ugliest bitch (inside and out) that i've ever met. Everyone knew... but no one wanted to tell me. Then he had the gall to tell me it was because of me. Because I wouldn't 'let' him drink and because I didn't want to have sex... pah. I cut that day. So bad. But while I was sitting in my car, bleeding quite fast from a cut that would kill me, I had a revelation. I could let this asshole and his bitch win. I could let them destroy me. Or I could fight back. I could dump him (after all that he did, he still didn't have the balls to break it off with me...) and I could get my life back on track.
I did. I drove to the youth centre (I should have called an ambulance) dragged my ass in there and went to pieces. I didn't tell them just how bad it was that i'd cut (i wouldn't let them see) So I borrowed a phone book and tried to find a doctor who would see me. While I was on hold, SHE (HO) came in and started to abuse me... I was nice, i asked her to leave me alone (by this time a worker was sitting with me and he was trying to make her go away too) but she kept going on and on and on and I snapped, I told to get the **** out of my face and leave me alone... I screamed at her. Then everyone noticed how bad I really was. I never ever screamed in public... i never got angry at anyone else but myself. Lindall (the team leader) tossed her out. Literally scruffed her and threw her out. My keys were confiscated, (I couldn't walk straight, couldn't see straight and couldn't breath properly but i was still going to drive to the doctors hahaha) and a nurse bandaged me up with clean stuff and tight enough to stop the bleeding a bit. I was made to lie down (thank god!!!) and they kept giving me drinks. They took me to the surgery in a cab. Brought me back in a cab. And put me on the couch and told me to rest. So I slept. For the first time in days, I actually slept. That was my last cut ever. My real turning point. On that day i stepped into the shadows. not the true light, but not that everlasting darkness.
I don't even know why i'm writing this... it's so ****ing long, that most people would have given up by now ( i would have ) but I just want to let people know... stop rolling over and playing dead. YOU have control of your life. The day you stop letting them (the world) decide how your life should be, is the day YOU take control. That will be the day you step into the shadows. It's hard. I had so much help. But the fundemental choice and decision is YOURS! And the hard work is yours.
Stop rolling over. Stop letting them win. Stand up and TAKE BACK CONTROL!
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