I'm really sorry for making another topic here. It's taken me a few days to work up the guts to do it.
My hallucinations have been a lot more frequent lately-- and with them has come... voices in my head. They started off by making fun of me, trying to trick me. Then they developed into telling me to hurt myself. I refused at the start, mainly-- only to be greeted by massive retaliation in my head. For example, one time a voice repeated "You have to." over and over in my head for over half an hour. I felt so distraught by it, I just wanted to cry and scream-- but I was in public. At school. I managed to keep it in but people were noticing that something was wrong and my eyes were watering.
When I obey the voices, they're quiet. I decided to just... listen to them, so I wouldn't have to struggle. But now they're suggesting that I hurt someone else. They're toying with the idea of me killing someone else. I won't do it... I can't do it. It was hard enough with them telling me to hurt myself. I can't hurt other people. I can't. Today, I was thinking about someone and one of the voices said something akin to "Hm, kill that one? No, you shouldn't... start with someone smaller". They seem to be thinking about me killing a girl, as they're weaker and I can see that they're thinking this. I think I'm going to have to not have much physical contact with my female friends as I do... I won't be able to feel safe, to feel like THEY'RE safe if I'm around.
- Adam
Hail Horror Hail.
Strychnine in your minds.
No hope for today, they burnt out tomorrow.
I wish I could do something to help, but you seem to be dealing with very complicated issues. I'm sure I'm not the only one reading your posts, struggling to find the words you need to hear. One thing I do know is this:
Do not be afraid to call the emergency services for help if you ever begin to feel completely overwhelmed. I don't know where you live, but I am sure most countries have systems in place to help people in your situation. I realise you are reluctant to ask for help, but in an emergency, you need to put your fears for the future aside to assure that in the short term, no-one is hurt.
You seem to still resist the voices, but I suggest that you don't wait till the start of college before you speak to a councillor (or other professional) to get help. By the looks of it, your condition has been getting steadily worse for a considerably long time and you will feel all the better for it afterwards. I remember reading in another post that councillors keep what you say in confidence to themselves, but I suggest someone else could tell you more about that as I'm not sure about it.
I sincerely hope you find the help and support you need... shortbread.
i had issues with voices like you, its scary as hell, and you never quite know what to do for the best. but tell your gp or psych, i did and they put me on meds to try sort them out, and after trying a few medications, i finally arrived at one which has helped me no end in dealing with them.
There is help to sort them out, even if they are not completely gone, they will be quietened.
Its a downward spiral once you start listening to them believe me, i did things which i never thought in a million years that i would be capable of. You need to get help for this before you endanger yours or someone elses life.
please stay safe sweetheart
pm if you want to talk ok
xxx
Has anyone ever made fun of you? Voices like this can be internalisations of bullying or abuse. It also sounds like you've got a lot of intense anger and rage, which is kind of 'split off' into the voices, like it's not coming from you. Finding the source of the anger and what you're really angry about, and expressing it safely, can ease the intensity of the voices. A therapist or counsellor who works with unconscious processes [usually a psychodynamic therapist] could help you further with this way of understanding voices.
Medication can help ease the symptoms enough for you to work out what's going on and ways of overcoming that safely.
I think you should go to your local GP ..
they will probably refer you to a phycologist or a therapist
you can get all the help you need then
and everything will be OK
Your problem is more common than you think ..
i would suggest reading online or books about whats going on.
look up ways to help yourself online.
but tryyyy pleasee tryyy to stop hurting yourself.
i cant even imagin what your going thru but tryy.
talk to someone,
or call a hotline.
hope this helps. and i hope you feel better soon.
Thank you all for the advise and kind words. I really appreciate it, even though I'm having difficulty writing a good reply to each of you.
Quote:
Has anyone ever made fun of you?
I have been bullied occasionally.. but I don't think it's anything important/immense. I haven't suffered abuse, really.
I'm so scared to get help, for reasons in my other topic and just in general... I can't face to tell my mother and saying it to my GP is a terrifying thought. But I do need help. I'm starting to lose all sense of rationality. The voices got me as soon as I woke up this morning. I started agreeing with them, I don't know why. They started talking about who I should target. I went along with it, for some reason.
At least I've managed to gain some sense of reality, at this point. I'm not going to hurt anyone. I won't listen to the voices. They're laughing at me now, seeing me type this... but I won't. I won't.
- Adam
Hail Horror Hail.
Strychnine in your minds.
No hope for today, they burnt out tomorrow.
Adam ... it must be pure torture for you to be tormented by these horrible voices!
I'm really sorry that you are having to struggle with this, but I do think that there are ways that you could make this a hell of alot easier on yourself that you are currently avoiding.
I havent read your other post as yet as to why its difficult for you to seek professional help for this problem ... (I will read it after I post this reply) ... but there are so many medications and treatments that could help you to banish (or at least quieten down) these voices, so that you can finally have some peace from all of this torment.
I think you owe it to yourself to do everything you can to be free from this torture .... not to mention that I can tell from your posts that you are a nice, caring sort of guy, so the possibility that you might eventually lose control of your rational mind and be tempted to give in to what these voices are telling you, must totally TERRIFY you!
Please think about finding a way to get to a GP at least, or your local community mental health service.
If you are comfortable with telling us what general location you are in, I'm sure that people could give you some names and phone numbers of people who can help.
I think given what these voices are saying, and from your own statements about feeling like you have to do what they say, I really think that seeking help would be the most responsible thing to do, and would also help you to live with your own mind alot easier.
Adam - I have now read your other thread in this forum, where you mentioned that you are concerned that seeking professional help for these voices that you are experiencing, could negatively effect your chances of being approved for female-male gender reassignment in the near future.
But do you know this for sure?
And is there someone in the know who you can contact anonymously to find out for definite about whether this is true?
I dont know alot about this subject, but I would have thought that it would be quite common to see psychological disturbances in a person who has spent their childhood and adolscence being trapped by their very own anatomy and being forced to live their life as a gender that they dont identify with in their heart, mind and soul - surely that has got to screw with a person's psychological health, and that the doctors and psychiartists who do the assessments before the gender reassignment surgery would expect the person to be a little emotionally disturbed by that experience?
That's just what a layperson like myself would think anyway.
Without wanting to sound too scary or pessimistic, I think that if these voices get really bad for you in that they manage to totally dominate your rational mind, then they may cause you to commit an act (eg - suicide, homicide) that is going to destroy not only your chances of being approved for this gender reassignment surgery, but it will destroy your whole life!
So I really believe that you need to think about looking after yourself right here and now, and get some professional help for these voices now rather than hesitating and postponing getting help because you are concerned that it may effect your future, because if you dont manage to get on top of this problem soon, then there may not be a future!
Sorry to get all heavy and dramatic on you like this, but I do think that considering the nature of these voices that you are experiencing, and the possibility that you may lose your determination to resist what the voices are telling you do to, I feel that its very important to find a way to get some professional help for yourself.
I saw that you stated in your other post that you lived in Nottingham, UK ..... does anyone have any contact details (names, phone numbers etc) for any mental health facilities or counselling services in that area?
I'm really sorry for making another topic here. It's taken me a few days to work up the guts to do it.
My hallucinations have been a lot more frequent lately-- and with them has come... voices in my head. They started off by making fun of me, trying to trick me. Then they developed into telling me to hurt myself. I refused at the start, mainly-- only to be greeted by massive retaliation in my head. For example, one time a voice repeated "You have to." over and over in my head for over half an hour. I felt so distraught by it, I just wanted to cry and scream-- but I was in public. At school. I managed to keep it in but people were noticing that something was wrong and my eyes were watering.
When I obey the voices, they're quiet. I decided to just... listen to them, so I wouldn't have to struggle. But now they're suggesting that I hurt someone else. They're toying with the idea of me killing someone else. I won't do it... I can't do it. It was hard enough with them telling me to hurt myself. I can't hurt other people. I can't. Today, I was thinking about someone and one of the voices said something akin to "Hm, kill that one? No, you shouldn't... start with someone smaller". They seem to be thinking about me killing a girl, as they're weaker and I can see that they're thinking this. I think I'm going to have to not have much physical contact with my female friends as I do... I won't be able to feel safe, to feel like THEY'RE safe if I'm around.
I go through the same thing as you do when I go off my meds. I have schizophrenia under control with Abilify, although not all the "symptoms" have gone away and I still get followed by a fairy-like girl, and I still hear a radio station in my head a few times a day. I'm still battling the delusional thoughts.
If things get bad, go to A&E, or call 999. You mustn't suffer alone, because, believe me, that can be really, really dangerous. Are you on any medication? If you're not, perhaps you need some. Abilify (15mg) helps me a lot.
If you want, you can e-mail me on steel9maiden@gmail.com ; I can talk to you and help you, although I am not very good at replying quickly to e-mails.
Best of luck for staying strong, and remember, call 999 or go to A&E if things get very bad.
I know what you're going through; I'm dragging myself out of the black hole of voices, hallucinations and delusions right now.
- SM
I don't understand how... but I forgot about going to find help. I convinced myself that there's nothing wrong with me, I'm perfectly healthy... I still don't feel ill... everything just came swamping back to me and it's making me question myself. I had a hint in the back of my mind that I might have schizophrenia -- but that idea's gone now. There's no way in hell I have it but I'm so confused.
I'm so angry at the moment. I've said some horrible things to my friends. I'm getting aggressive.
I keep laughing and laughing. I can't stop laughing. It's really starting to get to me -- my friends think it's rather odd and I hate trying to explain myself for it. I have such inappropriate responses to everything. My speech is messed up -- even when I have absolutely no anxiety. I simply cannot form logical sentences (mainly verbally).
One of my voices revealed his name to me, he's called Daniel. He's quite nice, we have a lot in common. But if I he laughs at doing if I don't do what he says he thinks I'm amusing I'm. I can relax with him but he's the one that decided of killing. He decided the girl was too weak and not worthy therefore she free and safe. I think people are alright for awhile now as orders have not been I', told to do.
I had a panic attack earlier and I'm still feeling edgy. Also, I'm just... struggling right now. I don't know, I'm just, I'm sorry, I just needed to... you know. I didn't write this together I expanded on different parts at time also.
- Adam
Hail Horror Hail.
Strychnine in your minds.
No hope for today, they burnt out tomorrow.
Things sound pretty hard for you right now. I'm not surprised you're getting panic attacks. I really do think you need to get some help. You shouldn't have to deal with this level of distress alone.
It's OK. I understand why this is happening now. I figured it out. I'm not ill, I'm just chosen. What I was told to do was a test to see how loyal I am and how strong I am.
Everything's fine now that I know what's going on.
- Adam
Hail Horror Hail.
Strychnine in your minds.
No hope for today, they burnt out tomorrow.
