Triggering (SI/Suicide) - sorry for posting here again
I am just sick to death of being here. I can't handle life's pressures anymore. I'm sick of being a failure. I'm sick of living with all my anxiety. I can't even get a fucking job. I want to cut, and let all the blood flow through. I have my blades on me right now, all I need to do is use them. I can't handle all the bullshit that life is bringing me. I haven't been happy for many years. I'm a loser and a freak because I cut myself so nobody will miss me when I'm gone........Here lies a 26 yo self harmer that nobody gives a fuck about. That would really look great on my headstone. Not that I deserve a grave, only people that are cared about get one of them. Everyone will be fine with me gone, it won't unsettle anyone. On top of all else I hate being me. If I could be someone else this crap wouldn't be happening because I would be a NORMAL person. But it isn't possible. Better off dead than being an unwanted freak.
I'm sorry for taking up space on your boards. I just don't have anywhere to go where I won't be judged. I'm not worthy of this board space. I'm not even worthy of the air I breathe.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
I'm sorry to see you're suffering so much, you really sound so down.
You musn't believe that you don't deserve to post here, everybody has a right to express their feelings so you must carry on posting and get everything out of your system, that in itself is a form of therapy and it does help. Nobody is going to judge you, people will read what you've written and will relate to you because there are others who feel the same as you, no doubt.
You've mentioned on a couple of occasions that it's the pressures of life that's causing you to feel this way, however, you've not elaborated on what exactly is the cause, maybe you could let us in a bit more on what's going on?
Make no mistake, people do care about you, sometimes it's hard for people to show they care or take it for granted, it doesn't mean they don't, for sure people would miss you if the reality set in that you were no longer around.
If you feel up to it, maybe you could post a little more on what's going on around you.
You have our support ok :) You're not a freak, no way.
Take Care :)
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
Sorry I was a bit vague in my post about what is upsetting me. I have been out of work for a while now and my wife and I are really struggling to make ends meet. We are fighting all the time too because there are times I believe she seriously resents me for not having a job. I live in a small town and jobs are so hard to come by out here.
So too are support networks. I don't have any friends around. I seldom see any therapists because I use the public system as I can't afford to pay for private therapy even though it's more available and reliable.
Also my friend in another state commited suicide late last month and it's my fault. I got angry at her because I couldn't handle her suicidal threats anymore. I tried to help by calling her doctors and hospitals. She was homeless and I urged her to go to emergency accomadation but in the end she took her own life. She said she wanted to be with her mother who died a year before her. I can't talk to my wife about it because she disliked my friend and didn't approve of me trying to help her. Now I have to deal with the fact that I caused her to kill herself with the fight I had with her just before she died. I just want my chance to see her and tell her how sorry I am that I failed her.
I am so angry at myself for what I am. I don't believe I deserve to be around anymore. I feel like someone is deliberately making life unbearably difficult for me to punish me for causing my friend to take her life. I know I deserve it but I can't keep living like this. I'm at a cross roads as to what to do. Stay here and suffer for however long I live or go away now and make life better for everyone.
I am sorry for posting here. I am being so selfish because there are many other people with problems worse than mine. But whichever way I look at it, a 24yo lost her life because I failed her.
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
you did not fail her - you did your best to help. there is a post somewhere (i think in veterans support) reminding us that people here have mental illnesses, and we are not professionals, all we can do is listen and offer support and experience. this is the same thing you need to remember - your friend had troubles of her own, and you did all you were able to help her, but in the end, she couldn't save herself. its NOT YOUR FAULT!!
i thought you were going to see your therapist today/tomorrow/yesterday? how did that go? did you talk to them?
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
There was nothing you could do to stop your 24 year old friend from killing herself. She made her own choice. Grieve and mourn for her. Don't beat yourself up for what she did.
Are there any towns nearby where you might look for a job? Or is your town out in the middle of nowhere?
If you want, you can come over to Vets, support and general. We are 18-40+ and are in different places in our lives. I'm 41 and married so I understand the stress of being married. I'm underemployed too because of my stinking insecurities.
Ninja Penguin started the post in vets support that we are not professionals. It is stickied at the top of the support forum. Ninja Penguin said it very well so everyone asked for it to be stickied.
Hope this helps.
Let us know how you're doing?
My husband is my best friend.
In forgiving others, we are not exonerating them. They may not deserve exoneration. Rather, in forgiving others we are giving up our anger over the fact that what happened is not what "should" have happened or that our life is not the way it "should" have been.
My appointment with the psychiatrist is for tomorrow. I'm not getting therapy there though, just going to take some blood test results so they can determine if my meds need adjusting or changing. I take valproate as a mood stabilizer and dothepin for depression.
Still feeling really low. In the end if I didn't say those harsh words, she would still be here
"For those who fight for it, life has a flavour the sheltered never know"
-Pinned to a noticeboard at the US Command Post in Khe Sanh.
your harsh words wouldn't have had any effect if she wasn't already experiencing touble. and you had no control over what happened to her to put her in that position in the first place. start some healthy grieving instead of beating yourself up about it - she would want you to be healthy. take advantage of your psych appointment! tell them how you're feeling, that you're not ok, that you need extra help. they might be able to organise something for you.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Hiya there im very sorry that your having such a difficult time right now. *Gives you a big hug* Everything will be ok, i know that what your going through isnt easy but it doesnt mean that you cant get through this. Could you talk to us about what it is thats made you feel like this? Do you have any support at all? (If you have one) have you spoken to your counseller how your feeling? Im so sorry for the pain that your going through.
You can get through this please dont give up please keep fighting through this. Things wont be like this forever, things will get better. Be gentle with yourself try not to be too hard on yourself as that will only create problems. We are all here for you and we will support you for as long as you need it. We all care about you so much. I know its incredibly difficult when your feeling really low but we are here to support you ok. Suicide really isnt the answer though it really isnt, i know your struggling right now but please think about the way it would effect everyone else before you think about suicide and ending your life.
No one wants to see you get hurt anymore than what you already are, that includes me other people here, and your friends and family. I know that things are not good for you now but they wont always be like this. Have you thought about writing down your thoughts and feelings? Its important that if you do decide to write down your thoughts and feelings that you combine both the positive things and the negative things together so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things on there own. Make sure that you keep safe, none of us want to see you get hurt any more than what you already are you dont deserve it.
Please keep distracting yourself as much as you possibly can, there are lots of things that you can try here are some of them, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, going for a walk and posting on the fun and distractions forum. Please keep talking to us, you dont have to go through this all on your own, we are here for you. Please take care its important that you look after yourself.
