Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I just want to feel okay

[Samzi]

I am triggered and for the worst freaking reasons. I'm pathetic.

My best friend won't listen to me. My family is rarely around.
My job is stressing me to the point of anger and tears.
I feel like a fat ugly cow.
I was not hurt myself so bad.
I feel unloved, uncared about, and like no one in this world notices me. Like it would not matter if I disappeared. The world would keep turning, and everyone would go on with their lives.
I'm crying. Inside I'm hurting so bad.
My meds are okay, mostly. But I take them early in the morning and by late evening/early night I'm not feeling so good mentally anymore. I'm not due to see my doctor for 3-5 more weeks. I just feel selfish, complaining and taking up peoples time, and attention away from people who are worse than me. People who deserve help, and to be loved.

All I can think about is hurting myself.
And how I'm wasting space here, and in this world. I'm sorry

[Stellata]

Those are not pathetic reasons.
Being unheard and alone is painful. Everyone needs to be heard, and everyone needs people.
Feeling invisble and unloved is in my experience one of the most hurting things there is. I know, I've been there.
What's stressing you about work?

I would suggest you see your doctor sooner, if you can. They might be able to adjust your meds so that evenings aren't so distressing for you.

You're not wasting space. At all.

[((deleted))]

hey babe. You aren't wasting space, i promise.

I can relate to a lot of whta you say. I used to feel like no-one would notice if i was gone, and at my worst time my sister was about to have a baby...i was utterly convinced that the baby would be able to replace me, so that no-one would feel sad i was gone.......

it wasn't until i finally told someone about this (the charge nurse in my psych unit) and she said your sisters baby doesn't matter Ruth. there will be a Ruth shaped hole in everyone's lives, and nothing and no-one will be able to fill that then i realised. It didn't change how suicidal i felt, but it meant i could no longer justify my suicide as not hurting anyone around me.

I'm sorry you hurt so bad. DO you know why?

Please keep talking to everyone on here..we care.

You are not as invisible as you feel. I promise

Ruth
xxxx

[Cazki]

Hello there im terribly sorry to hear that your having a really diffcult time right now. Your not pathetic at all, its very understandable from the reasons you have given that your struggling. We all need someone to listen to us in life we all need love and people to care about us. We all care about you so much and we will all support you for as long as you need it. You mentioned that your not due to see your doctor for another three to five weeks, what im suggesting is that in three to five weeks time that you tell your doctor what you have just told us that by the evening your not feeling so good and that if possible is it possible to adjust your meds so that your not feeling so bad in the evening.

Do you have a counseller at all? It would matter to alot of people here if you dissapeared. If anything ever happened to you i can tell you that alot of people would be devastated. Please dont give up please keep fighting through this. I know what your going through isnt easy but it doesnt mean that you can get through this. All is not lost. Are you hurting because your family are rarely around and your friend doesnt listen or is it other things aswell? Please try to keep yourself distracted as much as you possibly can. Have you thought about writing a letter to your friend to try and explain how your feeling? Maybe this way you could get her to understand you and listen to you. Your not wasting space at all. Your a very important person here at ryl, who alot of people care about. Please befor eyou think about dissapearing or anything like that think about the different ways it would effect all these people that care about you.

Things that you might want to have a think about trying are as follows, listening to music, doing jobs to keep you busy, watching a movie, going for a walk, posting on the fun and distractions forum, or writing down your thoughts and feelings. Its important that when you write down your thoughts and feelings that you try to combine both the negative things and the positive things together, so that you dont end up writing down just the negative things, as writing down just the negative things on there own really wont help you. Its also important that you try not to keep everything bottled up as this will only add to your problems. Please keep talking to us and please take it easy its important that you look after yourself.

Take care best wishes Ian xxxxxxxxx

[Queer Fringe]

Do you think you could ring your doctor up to see him/her sooner?
xx

[xfallenangelx]

you are not wasting time or space here.
post as much as you want to, its good to let out feelings and we are all here for you.
im sorry that things are so tough for you at the moment
*hugs*
im sorry i dont have any other advice other than to keep going, keep rolling on, because someday soon, your days will be brighter.
try and take care of yourself
lots of love xx

[Samzi]

Thank you all for your responses. I don't know why I feel so lonely.

I tried talking to my friend today about how she makes me feel, but she was at a party and not really paying attention. Then she got mad at me when I told her to call me later instead of trying to fight for her attention while she was drinking with her boyfriend.

I'm not sure about seeing my doctor sooner. I don't feel like it will do much good. I guess I feel little hopeless. I never told her I cut or that I feel suicidal. It feels weird to bring it up after seeing her for a few months.

I just keep finding it harder to hold on to life. Keep running out of reasons why I shouldn't let go. It is hard when the negatives in your life out weigh the positives.