Triggering (SI) - Confused, hurting and pretty damn lost

BatRachy · 16-01-2008, 07:54 PM

Today I am desperate. Today, I have been at work, crying mainly (though I'm not sure crying whilst selling books is best practice).
I feel hideous. I feel stupid and childish and pathetic.
To quote many people ''I hate myself and want to die''. Though perhaps I don't want to die. Yes, I want to destroy myself, slowly, painfully, destroying my physical form. But I don't want my boyfriend, Paul, to be hurting, I don't want him to be sad, though if I died I know he would be.
I want to cut and tear away at my skin. I know I shouldn't, Paul would be hurt and upset that I was hurting that much. I shouldn't attack myself - I'm going out on friday, and can't face another night of hiding cuts. I could do it on my legs I suppose, as I have so many times before, but it just never feels the same as my arms.

I have become so close to the edge recently. The straw that will break the donkey's back may appear at any time, and could well be anything.

And you know what? Paul has been off all week so far with a really bad back. As we work together, everyone at work has been asking me all week how Paul is. This I don't mind. I love the fact Paul is popular at work, and that people care about him. I do mind when all people say to me is about how Paul is. Not even a hi. Just a 'how's paul today?' The fact I've been feeling awful recently is over looked (perhaps my happy mask is too convincing). Maybe I am being jealous, self-centred and generally horrible.

I am irrational. I know that, but really couldn't give a toss. What I think is irrational to most (ok, all) people, but it's normal to me. It makes sense, it's just how I feel. I can't help that (it doesn't mean I like how I feel though)

I don't know what I'm looking for, support/advice/help... I have no idea. I do know I'm desperate, hurting and in need for some soothing of the heart and emotion.

I'm becoming more volatile mood-wise, and generally unpredictable with my thoughts and actions.

I'm not scared of what I'll do. I'm worried about hurting Paul. I don't want to make myself look stupid. This is why I haven't been to my doctors. I dont want to be told I'm stupid.

help?

Stellata · 16-01-2008, 07:57 PM

I care.
I understand how lonely and frightening that place at the edge can be.
But I also know that it's possible to survive it, and not be destroyed, and to start to care for yourself again.
You're not stupid. You're depressed, in pain, and struggling. You're human, you've been hurt in the past, and that's left deep wounds in your psyche that'll take time and caring and gentleness to heal.

BatRachy · 16-01-2008, 08:08 PM

Oh Katie :) you are so lovely. Thank you xxxx

Stellata · 17-01-2008, 08:45 AM

How're you doing today?

((deleted)) · 17-01-2008, 02:45 PM

Hi hun,

It sounds like you are coping well with these self-destructive urges.

It is really good that you are aware of the fact that you may hurt Paul if you carry through with your urges- can you perhaps tell paul about them when they are strongest so he can help you throough it?

People at work, i don't know, but it is probable that if they have an idea of your mental state that they don't dare ask how you are because they think they wouldn't be able to cope with the answer. In general people find physical ailments easier to sympathise with because they can actually see what is the matter.

Please go to your doctor, i completely understand the fear of being judged and called stupid- but you are scared enough and hurting enough to be reaching out, and to me that would indicate that you should see him. I'm sure he wouldn't call you stupid (and if he did you could make a complaint about him)

*big hugs*

Ruth

Cazki · 17-01-2008, 02:50 PM

It sounds like you have got so much going through your mind and that that is adding to the stress. I care about you so much and so do many other people here. We do our best to help you for as long as you need supporting. I know that when your on the very edge it is a very very scary experience and that you feel like your never going to get out of it.

But you can get through this. Together we will help you get through this. We will be here for you when your struggling. Please keep fighting through this. Please dont give up you can do this. I know that things are really hard for you but we are here for you. Your not hideous, pathetic, childish or stupid at all. Your certainly not better off dead. Please try to do that all important thing and reach out for help by talking to your doctor. That way he can help you with the things we cant.

Take care Best wishes Ian xxxxxxxxxxx